Sunday, February 8, 2009

Shout Out To The DONK!


Okay. May we stop and analyze the fact that the entire male species suffers from Tourette's?


Because they do.

"Hey Annie!"

"Hey, what's up?"

"Who's yo friend?"

"This is Natasha."


First of all, can you not just ask ME what my name is? I'm standing not two feet away from you, not two inches from the girl you just asked my name for. Second of all, who uses the word 'donk?' It only makes me think of donkey, which makes me think of a...ahhh...I see now...okay so it's kind of clever, but it still sounds dumb. (For those of you who have trouble catching on to my unspoken "dot dot dot" epiphanies, 'donk' means 'ass.' 'Ass' is another term for 'donkey' yada yada yada I hate explaining myself.) And third of all, YOU ARE RUDE. Now I can't turn around, because I'll be feeling self-conscious and extremely aware that you'll be looking at my ass, hence the self-consciousness. And for those of you who are thinking I'm writing this post to boast about my ass, you are incredibly mistaken and should be embarrassed. Would YOU take someone yelling at your ass as a compliment? SHOUT OUT TO THE DONK! No. I don't understand this "ass craze" people seem to be going through. It's a phase, I tell ya. An ass-craze-phase. A big ass only means someone has been eating a lot of lard and that lard has gone straight down to the area above the anal canal. That's right. If baby got back, she really just got a hunk of lard sitting on top of her ass hole. WHAT IS SEXY ABOUT THAT? Please tell me. I'm dying to know. So, in conclusion, NO, I don't take someone telling me I have a donk as a compliment. I take offense to someone telling me the area below my back has a few layers of fat piled up on to it. Now back to what I was saying. YOU ARE RUDE. And, MEN HAVE TOURETTE'S.

It's not that women don't find parts of the
male's anatomy as visually pleasing. We just decide to keep these thoughts to ourselves. I don't know, it's like, for some reason, we decide NOT to yell out random comments depicting parts of the naked body to total strangers as they pass us. I know, weird, right? Same thing when we're driving in the car. If someone is walking on the sidewalk of the opposite sex, we just never have the impulse to roll down the window, press the middle of the steering wheel with the palm of our hand to make a "BEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPP" sound, and then yell out word fragments, such as, "AY BABY!" or, "LOOKIN GOOOO!" and then drive away, roll the window back up, and act as if nothing happened. It's not like we'll be thinking about that one person walking their dog who we impulsively screamed at for the rest of the day. Therefore, we decide to not make complete asses of ourselves over an ass you can't even see because it's covered in pants. ABNORMAL, I KNOW. I was contemplating over this, and a thought struck me. Do men think women get turned on by the fact that they were just yelled at by a stranger? I can see them thinking this. "Aw man, that girl is gonna be thinking about me for the rest of the day. She'll tell all her friends about the guy who almost gave her a stroke by screaming at her from the road as she was trying to go for a walk in order to get some peace and quiet, not to be blatantly honked at. She was just THAT fine that I had to yell, "THAT DRESS WOULD LOOK EVEN BETTER ON MY FLOOR!" and that will totally boost her confidence, man. That chick is gonna be dreamin' about me tonight no DOUBT." So if you're a guy thinking this, thinking that we just love when unattractive guys we've never seen before and never WILL see again yell inappropriate "compliments", you're wrong. Wrong.

I'm not gonna lie. If a random guy yells at me as I pass, it's entertaining. I may tell a couple of friends. I may laugh about it the next day. (Unless he's
one, in his 40's. Anything below 40's is relatively young, anything above 40's is just hilarious because those would be some old dudes yelling at you, but 40's is just gross because that would be someone my dad's age. Or someone my dad knows. And yes, that would in fact disturb me for days. Two, he's driving a pick-up truck. Those guys are creepy, probably in-bred and possibly rapists. Three, he has his kids in the car. I've never actually witnessed the third one, but you have to admit, that's pretty fucked up if some guy has his children in the car and he's yelling at girls closer to their age than his to bend over.) Other than those three, it is pretty funny. But I'm not sure if men know that we LAUGH at them for doing that. We're not flattered, or turned or, or curious as to..."ooh who was that guy...", we're embarrassed. For you. And it's funny. (At the same time we pity you. And feel bad. Because you're suffering from Tourette's.)

Maybe it's the words we get thrown at us that aren't cutting it. Maybe if you yelled something like, "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!" instead of, "SEXY
THANG!" out your car window. Or instead of, "MILF!" you yelled, "A ROSE WOULD ENVY YOU!" as you pass us on the street or maybe instead of "GIRL GOT A DONK!" you could yell, "YOUR GLUTEUS MAXIMUS IS THE MOST CAPTIVATING GLUTEUS MAXIMUS MY EYES HAVE EVERY SEEN, MY STUNNING PEAR-SHAPED LOVE!" I don't know. It's hard to say. But the other thing definitely isn't working, (has a woman ever asked you out to coffee after you screamed at her in public about her "twins?" NO, and if she did, she's probably got a couple of straight jackets hanging in her closet), so you may want to give it a try. Or you could just book a doctor's appointment. Not that it would help. There's no cure for TOURETTE'S.



S said...

I'm pretty sure you mean Tourette's. As in the syndrome where your brain makes you scream obscenities (which only like 9% of people w/ Tourette's do) , motor/phonic tics etc. Not turrets, which are like pieces of architecture. :)

Natasha said...

Oh no, I meant that men are indeed pieces of architecture. Did you not know?

Really though, thank you, S. As you can see, I have changed it. I guess I should have Webstered it pre-blog.