Saturday, February 14, 2009

Who Gets Their Noo-Noo On?

Here's the deal about Valentine's Day. It sucks. Now, some of you happy "takens" may have just become offended by my blunt remark I made not 15 words ago, but I hope that by the end of this post you, too, will despise February 14th, and maybe even your "loved" one for wanting to celebrate it. Yes, that is what I hope. I hope you will fall out of love when you're done reading this and go read a romance novel. Because that's what single people do. I'm not just saying this because I have never had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day, or because I've grown too old to hand out those kick-ass little cards you buy to stick in people's shoeboxes, or because that one guy I liked in 7th grade bought my best friend a box of chocolates for V-Day and gave me a high-five, or because I got dumped 5 days before the holiday of love. I'm saying this because the government should not pick one day, out of 365 of 'em, to tell people THIS is when they can open up to each other. THIS is when they can express their passion. THIS is when they better not screw up or their significant other will never forget "the time they screwed up...ON VALENTINE'S DAY!" No. I don't need the government to choose February 14th, an often freezing, dreary day not even close to my birthday or to any concerts I'd like to go to, for me to buy my man something. Why not choose a day in May? When the sun is out and the animals are mating everywhere you turn? Are we really that different from animals?

"We're humans, we're going to have sex when it's cold and wet and dank and depressing. Cause that's how humans DO IT. You stupid animals with your hot sex."

And Valentine's Day is 2 days before President's Day? Eww. As if any of those guys had a good relationship with their wives. George Washington? Can't kiss a woman with wooden teeth! Abe Lincoln? So honest he told his wife all the women he thought about when he masturbated. Bill Clinton? Do I even need to explain that one?

According to, the Greeting Card Association has declared that an estimated one BILLON valentine cards are sent each year, making Valentine's Day the SECOND largest card-sending holiday of the year. (Christmas comes first with an estimated 2.6 billion cards sent.) (Natasha Ferrier's birthday comes in third with an estimated 6.2 cards sent.)

I mean, come on people. It's just pathetic. People in love should celebrate their love EVERY day. I would much rather my boffy (too soon to be thinking of hubbys) bring me roses on a random Thursday. That is way more like, "I wanted to do something nice for you because I love you." Not, "I'm going to bring you flowers on the day every other guy brings his woman flowers so maybe I'll get some tonight." GO CONFORM SOMEWHERE ELSE YOU ASSHOLE. I'm sure you're thinking, "But wouldn't it be awful if everyone had presents on Valentine's Day and your fella didn't give you anything?" WELL HE GIVES ME A LIL' SOMETHIN-SOMETHIN EVERY NIGHT SO SORRY TO YOU COUPLES WHO LOVE SOMEONE ONLY FOR THE 24 HOURS WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IS ALLOWED TO LOVE SOMEONE. You pansys.

And really, it's just a holiday to make single people feel like shit. I bet the statistic to people getting dumped/been dumped/soon to be dumped within a week of Valentine's Day is pretty high. Let's just depress the entire nation by rubbing it in single, independent people's faces by creating a holiday that only half of the world can celebrate. Let's force all single people to eat chocolate and read romance novels and watch The Notebook once a year so they feel like shit. WOO HOO, GO V-DAY!

Hey, here's a sentence for you to finish! About 85 percent of ALL valentines you know? Do ya?


Come on ladies, get with the program.

And did you know that the "Day Of Romance" is celebrated in the United States, Canada, Mexico, the United Kingdom, France, and Australia?

That's six countries total. SIX. What? So six out of the thousands of countries were born with hormones? Or maybe THEY'RE the ones who are with the program and really, they just get their noo-noo on everyday. Who gets their noo-noo on? THEY get their noo-noo on.

If your lovey-dovey obeys the govey-govey (I know, clever, right?) when it comes to you two's relationship, I'm thinking you need to make some adjustments. Talk to them, work things out, explain MY views...

"Well Natasha Ferrier says Valentine's Day is stupid."

"Who's Natasha Ferrier?"

"This 18-year-old who blogs."

"And she says it's stupid?"

"Yeah. Read it."

"She's SO right!"

"I know, right?"

"Get over here baby and give me some lovin!"

"But honey, it's February eleventh, not the fourteenth!"

"If Natasha Ferrier says it's fine, then by golly, it's damn fine!"

Or, if all above options fail, you could just dump their ass. They'll get over it. They won't really be sad anyway until a year later when February 14th rolls around and they're like, "WHHYYY??? WHHHYYY CAN'T I BE LOVED ON THIS COLD SUCKY DAY TWO DAYS BEFORE PRESIDENT'S DAY???" Then, 24 hours later, on February fifteenth, they'll forget all about the fact that they're alone and probably try to pick up some chicks in a bar. Or, if you're a woman, read something with Fabio on the cover.

You may think I'm bitter. But really, I see it as just way more romantic and loving than any of you. I don't need to be TOLD when to think really hard about something that will make my boo feel special. I want to do things like that all the time. So really, YOU'RE the bitter ones, you Saint Valentine worshippers. You government worshippers. You candy-hearts-that-taste-like-sawdust-worshippers. You people IN LOVE. You people with someone to CELEBRATE YOUR LOVE with. You people who get free chocolate. I buy my chocolate on my OWN time, thank you very much. And then, I eat it. As I read a romance novel. Then I watch The Notebook. Then I write a post bashing all people in love. You know what I think you should do on Valentine's Day? I think you should GO FUCK YOURSELF. But then again, that's what all single people will be doing.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Your right people shouldn't have to have a day to remind them how much they care about that person, your right valentines day is pretty much a corporate scam, but your still young just like everyone else and there is plenty of time for you to change your mind. Shouldn't let one day change your optimistic view on a subject so quickly.