Back to the Present

Well, it's official. My teenage years were spent in "the millennium." What this means exactly still means nothing to me, since I'm having trouble grasping what exactly defined this decade. What the fuck am I going to tell my grandkids?

"When I was your age, we put poodles on our clothing! And we didn't rub back and forth on people's groins like you kids, we could dance just by jiving our hands! Our bras were made of cones! There was always a woman in the kitchen, so no one ever went hungry! You could have an orgasm just by watching a man move his hips back and forth! Ya dig, Daddy-O?"

"Grandmaaaaa, that wasn't YOUR time! That was the fifties!"

"Oh, that's right...well, when I was your age, our air wasn't contaminated; the air we breathed was happy air! And it made us giggle all the time at everything we saw! And we ate magic paper that made all the unicorns come out of their hiding places! And we were productive, always making things! Especially love! Lots and lots of love! We made love whenever we could make it! With whoever could make it with us! It was a gas, baby!"

"Grandmaaaa, you weren't alive then! That was the sixties!"

"Oh, kids, I'm in such a forgetful mood today! But when I was your age, I would have already known that! Because I would have been wearing a ring that would be able to tell me my mood! Oh, how I miss those days...we had lamps made out of lava! And we had monkeys for pets! The kind of monkeys that lived in the sea! And we had rocks as pets, too! They never even pissed in the house like those dogs and cats you have today! We had giant balls of glitter that hung from ceilings and made everyone want to point to their hips, and then point up to the sky, and then repeat that motion all night! And our hair grew outwards! Around our heads! You could even stick things in there and they wouldn't move! Can you dig it, foxy momma?!"

"Grandmaaaaa, NO! Those were the seventies!"

"Oh darn. Wait...wait it's all coming back to me now...yes! When I was YOUR age, our shoes were made of jelly! And we wore our bras on the OUTSIDE of our clothes! And our ponytails were able to hang from the sides of our heads, and we had these magic sleeves of yarn that warmed your calves and shins! Ooh! And we played this game where you moved a cube around! And we could play for hours and HOURS because we could never move it to how it was supposed to look! And men AND women wore make-up! It was like totally bitchin', dude!"

"Grandmaaaaa...."

"WHAT. NOW."

"That was the eighties..."

"Dammit!"

"Grandma!"

"I'm sorry, sweetie cakes, but it's okay, because I've finally remembered what it was like back in my day."

"Tell us! Tell us!"

"WELL, we had bracelets that you didn't have to clip on! All you had to do was SLAP them onto your body! And we carried things in packs that were on our fannies! And our favorite cartoon had a dinosaur named BJ! And you never had to wash your hair because it was cool to be greasy! And we didn't have that ePodie thingy you little ones have, our music BOOMED! Out of BOXES! And we had plastic on string that we liked to move up and down ON that string! And we had fruit that rolled up! And fruit that was a foot long! And our babies were made of BEANS! So BOO YA, YOU FART-KNOCKER!"

"Grandmaaaaa...that was the NINETIES!"

"WELL FUCK ME."

"Grandma! You just said a cuss word!"

"WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE WORDS!"

"Grandma, we know what it was like when you were a teenager."

"Well then dammit PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME."

"When you were our age, you watched tons and TONS of videos on the internet, because everyone had so much time on their hands! Like that one with two girls who did ALL that stuff...and with only one cup! And you had that movie with the homosexual cowboys! And pop stars shaved their heads! And the most beautiful man in the whole world DIED right after making that movie with the man who thinks he's a bat! And you listened to music about licking people's pussies! And people were so healthy! They were so healthy that they took medicine even when they WEREN'T sick, that way they would never GET sick! People took tons and tons of pills to make sure they wouldn't spread any germs to anyone, right? And everyone dressed like they were from some OTHER decade, because you guys couldn't think of your own style! And little kids watched shows with men and their wiggles!"

"Oh...I'm starting to remember now..."

"Yeah!"

"Yeah. Yeah my decade SUCKS."

"No! It's great!"

"Only because you didn't live in it! Trust me kids, that decade SUCKED. ASS."

"Grandmaaaa...you---"

"WHAT THE FUCK MY DECADE REALLY DID SUCK."

"Grandma!"

"GOD DAMMIT!"

"Grandma!"

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT!"

"We think it's cool!"

"I have nothing to do with any of that. There is no way I was a part of that ridiculous culture."

"It's okay that you were!"

"Wtf mayne. Idk ab dat. Fuck u, assmunch. I'm going to the BK Lounge. I have the munchies. Ttyl."

All I want to know is if history repeats itself, then when the hell is it going to because I've been waiting for that to happen for the past 10 years. Ya feel me, breh?