Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Operation Stranger Spiel

I'll admit that I expected college to go a little something like this:

"Hey you group of 12 people I've never met, I'm Natasha!"

"Hey Natasha! Wanna be best friends with the 12 of us?"

"Hell yeah I do!"

And then the 13 of us would start skipping along together under a beaming ray of sunshine singing "We Are Going To Be Friends" and referring to ourselves as The Baker's Dozen. The problem with this assumption of mine is that 1) I have yet to see a group of 12 people; 2) not everyone enjoys publicly skipping as thoroughly as I do (and I'd be perfectly fine with the 12 of us privately skipping, but where would 12 people go to privately skip? The only private places I can think of are bathroom stalls, and that is just not nearly enough room to complete even ONE full-fledged skip. It would be more of a hop...which would just look like I have to go to the bathroom quite badly, which would look bizarre to the people watching my feet underneath the stall because what kind of moron holds it when they are right by a toilet? The proper thing to do in this situation would be to just SIT. And PISS. And I really don't know why I am going on about this since I've already made it clear that you cannot skip in a bathroom stall, and whether I've tested that theory out or not is completely my business.), and 3) I'm not one to go around randomly introducing myself to people.

WELL...there have been some cases where someone has ravishingly intrigued me and I've gone up and randomly struck up a conversation, but that is EXACTLY why I do not feel the need to go around chatting up anonymous people. Because if I am meant to meet someone, then I will KNOW. However, it's been quite some time now and I have not been captivated by anything on two legs, and this is why I recently decided that maybe I should start talking to strangers, no matter what my parents taught me when I was a child. That's right, Mom and Pops! I'm 19 now and I can do whatever the hell I want, and what I want to do is talk to STRANGERS! And then accept their CANDY! And then get in the back of their windowless VAN! And then randomly talk to all the other teenage girls in the BACK of that VAN! Cause I'm a responsible ADULT!

Seriously, though. Operation Stranger Spiel? It's not really working out. Unless YOU think these conversations are going to lead to skipping in the sunshine...

Stranger #1 sits next to me at the round table. Okay, this is my chance. Say something, Natasha, just say something. Anything. Comment on the round table, perhaps? "Hey, we're like the knights at the round table, but more like WHITES at the round table! Cause we're both white! Ha!" No no no that's lame as shit and you might come across as racist. Stranger #1 then pulls out his cell phone. Bingo.

I'll admit that my initial intention was not to shout at the boy one foot away from me, but that is how it came out. Just gotta go with the flow, go with the flow...okay, so I shouted. Recover, Natasha, redeem yourself. Time is running out.

NO NO NO, Natasha! "Redeem" yourself does NOT mean repeat the exact same thing you just said but louder! Come ON, you can DO this!

"I have a go phone."
Much better, much better. Just keep your composure...

"Oh yeah?"

"YEAH! Let's COMPARE them!"
God dammit, Natasha! Quit getting so excited when people respond to you! That is a NORMAL part of conversation, whereas comparing cell phones is just fucking WEIRD.

"Yeah, this is my 8th one."

I've given up on you.

Stranger #2 was not really meant to be a part of Operation Stranger Spiel.


"Hello? Do I know you?"

"Ah! Sorry. I thought you were someone else..."
Okay, Natasha, it's time to stop judging people by the backs of their heads. If you really want to make friends, you need to stop assuming that just because someone has hair on their head like many of your friends do, it means that they must be who you think they are. Get with the program. Lots of people have hair.

Stranger #3 somehow already knew my name, a perfect sign that we are supposed to be friends!

"Hey Natasha!"


Is there an echo in here?

"Oh, sorry, I was talking to THAT Natasha."

" bad..."
Okay Natasha, this one was not your fault. I mean how many "Natasha's" are there, really? Well, NatAHsha's, you are the only one so far, but it's not your fault you have the habit of responding to NatAWWsha, since no one has the courtesy to call you by your own fucking name.

Stranger #4 was driving in his car as I decided to cross the street. He honked at me.

Good good, Natasha. He may have rudely honked at you, but you waved like a good friend would do, and he will see the potential in the friendship that could be made! And just look! He's rolling down his window to say something to you! Maybe he'll ask you to go get some coffee!


NO NO NO, Natasha! That is NOT what you say to potential best friends! You do NOT tell them to fuck off! That is NOT a friendly thing to do! No WONDER you haven't made any new friends this semester, you dumb shit.

Strangers #5 through 12 I introduced myself to at a party. This is a complete waste of time since none of them probably even remember me, and I doubt they were that cool, anyway...

Okay, so really I've only struck up a random chit-chat with one person. I'll admit this. But that didn't go so well, DID IT. No. It did not. Look, I tried. I'm sorry, but sometimes you try, and then sometimes you try to try, and this time I actually tried. And then I FAILED. So fuck having new friends, man. All I need is me, my go phone, and a bathroom stall to hop around in.


sarah c said...

I'd like to think our random conversation about Cosmo was slightly better than this...

And we're not friends either still.. Damn. I'm kind of frightened to read your take on me.

sarah c said...

wow.. I didn't even remember i had to make a blog my Jr. Year in my creative writing class... Haha

Thank you!