Monday, February 1, 2010

The Dumbass Class

Mindset 101: a class to improve your mindset, a class to help you achieve your academic goals, a class to improve study habits, a class to prove to you what a dumbass you really are.

And I'm in it.

This was not my choice, mind you. The "Mindset for Academic Achievement" class, or as I like to call it, the "Let's Waste Everybody's Time" class, is recommended to students who are on academic probation. Yes, I am currently one of these students. Unfortunately. You would think this class would be telling you motivating things like,

"It's not that you can't do it, you just need to apply yourself!"


"So what you messed up?! This is your SECOND CHANCE."


"You may be dumb, but you sure are smokin' hot!"

See? Any of these things would motivate me to do better. But no. That's not how it is. Want some examples? I think you need some examples.

These are some bits and pieces taken straight from my Mindset textbook. Read 'em and weep. Or, read 'em and feel like a moron.

"You wonder what you'll tell your parents, friends, and significant others. If they find out about your poor grades, they'll think you're a big loser!"

GEE. THANKS. First of all, if your "significant other" thinks you're a big loser for getting bad grades, maybe you shouldn't be dating them in the first place. Second of all, I wasn't even thinking I was a "loser;" the word, "loser" did not even enter my mind, and here I am, reading my textbook, trying to be a good little student, and then they suggest to me that maybe I'm thinking I'm a big loser. WELL I WASN'T THINKING THAT UNTIL YOU BROUGHT IT UP.

"Students can determine their progress in the class by checking their grades."

No! What?! you're telling me...that my grades can show me how well I am doing in a class? So...grades have something to do with school? Wow! I never knew that! Thank you, Mindset textbook! You are really helping me!

"Apply strategies in this book to transform your tarnished academic record into one that SHINES!"

And then maybe your professor will give you a GOLD STAR STICKER! But if you do badly...then your professor may SPANK YOU!

"Do you choose to "use it" or would you rather "lose it?"

...are we still talking about school here?

"What do you think? Do these strategies deserve a "thumbs up," a "sideways thumb," or a "thumbs down?"

I am really glad that college has taught me to communicate with the angles of my thumbs.

"What do you think of THIS strategy - is it good, bad, or ugly?"

I didn't know Clint Eastwood wrote this book!

"One strategy is to use flash cards to study. On a scale from 1 (would make my life worse) to 10 (would rock my world), to what degree would this strategy change your life?

Flash cards really could change my life, couldn't they? Colored pieces of paper with words on them are a very life-changing thing, and I'm glad the authors of this text have been considerate enough to use my "teenage lingo" so I can understand what they mean by 1 being the worst and 10 being the best. I'd give it an 8 (I'd tap dat).

"If you ever visited the cockpit of an airplane, you probably noticed dozens of switches, gauges, and other gizmos on the control panel. Each instrument plays an important role in keeping the plane in flight...however, when something goes wrong, warning lights start flashing. Red lights indicate far more serious problems."

Wow, THIS paragraph applies to the audience! Since everyone has, at least once in their lives, been in the COCKPIT of an airplane! Now I really understand, thank you! I would also like to thank you for alerting a 19-year-old the meaning behind "red light." Silly me, all these years of driving and I never knew I was supposed to stop at those blinking thingies above me! I feel so smart now that I know THAT.

"Agree to reward yourself when you achieve your desired results of improving your GPA."

Oh, I will. And I'll start by burning this book, you fucking assholes.

Us "Mindset students" have been taught that MINDSET is an acronym, standing for:

Study skills
Time Management

I must say that I have really been using these 7 words and applying them to my life. I am Motivated to take the Initiative to Navigate myself in the Direction of a trash can and as I Study its current contents I Expect that finding Time to toss this fucking book inside of it will not be too hard to Manage. Thank you, Mindset class! You've really helped me! I don't feel like a fucking idiot AT ALL!

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