Sunday, April 22, 2012

Inkle While You Tinkle

There are many things I don't understand, even when I try and understand them. For instance: why I have the urge to step on leaves on the ground that look crispy (and why I try to fight that urge even when I know I'll end up turning around to run back to the leaf and crunch it), why The Hulk's entire wardrobe rips to shreds when he mutates except for his shorts (does every area of Bruce Banner's body enlarge except for his groin? because that's just unfortunate for Ol' Brucey), and why milk only comes in chocolate and strawberry and the occasional banana-flavored (what about blueberry? or mango? or kiwi? who decided that strawberry was the ONLY fruit that mixed well with milk?).

Then there are things that I don't understand and never try to understand. For instance: when people say "knock on wood" and then knock on whatever the fuck happens to be nearby, even if it's not wood (and does that count figuratively, as well? if I were a man, could I "knock on my wood?"), why people push their lips out when they want to look sexy in a photo (do they do this in person, too? if they are talking to someone they want to impress, do they pause every now and then to push their lips out? something tells me noooooo...), and why people think that when you're walking with them, and the both of you walk past a store window, and they look over, you won't know that we were just checking themselves out in the reflection (was that blue shawl REALLY that interesting? did it REALLY catch your eye and hold your gaze for that long? no. you were just looking at yourself. you had plenty of opportunities to do that before we met up).

I'm going to take one of these things that I don't understand, and I'm going to dissect it. For your sake, for my sake, and for the sake of those guilty of it. Here we go.

Understanding Those Who Write On Bathroom Stalls
(a Q&A with Natasha Ferrier)

Question: Why do people write on bathroom stalls?

Answer: Ask me something else.

Q: Do these people just happen to have a writing utensil with them when they enter the stall, or is it all planned out before they enter the restroom? When they realize they have to urinate, do they think "I better grab my pen first!" or is it when they're sitting on the toilet that they realize, "Hey! I have a marker in my pocket! What a perfect way to pass the time!" ?

A: Fuck if I know.

Q: Since it is technically vandalizing, do you consider these people criminals?

A: Did the townspeople ever arrest the village idiot?

Q: Do these people realize that by committing this act, they are subjecting their views onto everyone else? That they are forcing us all to read their thoughts? That we innocent urinators have but no choice than to read their writing? Since it lays directly in our line of vision? Is their any way to avoid reading the writing on bathroom stalls?

A: That was 5 questions, not one. This is a Q&A, not a Qs&A; remember your Ps&Qs.

Q: What would you call these people? These people who write on bathroom stalls?

A: Multi-taskers.

Q: Do you think these people need help? A support group, perhaps? "Inkle While We Tinkle United," or maybe "Pens and Pee-Pee Anonymous," or even, "The Uturdsils Society?"

A: Uturdsils?

Q: Like Writing Utensils and Turds Combined.

A: Uturdsils?

Q: Aren't I the one who is supposed to be asking the questions?

A: I don't know, are you?

Q: Hey, stop that!

A: Was that a question?

Q: Yes?

A: Ask me if I feel like I get dumber every time I use a public restroom.

Q: Do you feel like you get dumber every time you use a public restroom?

A: Absolutely.

Q: What are some of the things you have seen written on bathroom stalls recently?

A: Oh, wow....let's see...

"Eat A Bag O' Dicks"

Q: Did you? Where would one acquire such a bag?

"God Is Watching You Shit"

Q: Did you look up when you read that? Did you see him watching?

"Call me if you're a girl or a boy, I go both ways"

Q: Why would a boy be in the ladies' restroom?

"The Notebook Was A Terrible Movie"
"No it wasn't"
"Everybody has a opinion"
"An, not a"
"English freak"

Q: Are entire conversations common?

A: Oh yes.

Q: Why do these people only write mindless things? Why don't they write words of wisdom? Or something useful? Or some good advice?

A: Maybe that's what they're trying to do. Maybe there is someone out there who truly thinks that "Eat A Bag O' Dicks" is really great advice to give to someone.

Q: Do you have any last thoughts regarding stall-scribblers?

A: Just because people wrote on giant tablets in the olden days does not make it acceptable now. Though a door make look like a giant tablet, it's not. It's a door. It's also not a shrink. We don't need to be telling it all our thoughts. It's a door. A door is also not a book, we don't need to be reading it. And yet somehow, we forget this. And we read the door. I, personally, have better things to read than doors. But at the same time, when you gotta go, you gotta go.

Q: Do you think this conversation has helped us all better understand the act of writing on bathroom stalls?

A: Absolutely not. But at least we tried.

No comments: