Friday, April 20, 2012

A Penis For Your Thoughts

"Hello sir, how are you?"

" that you're here."


I tend to loudly project my words when I don't know what to say. It's the opposite of what I should do, I realize this. In most situations where people feel speechless, they ARE speechless. When I feel speechless, I tend to exercise my speech at 11 notches higher than its normal volume. Why, I don't know. All I know is, this one goes to 11.

"What kind of sandwich can I make you?"

"Tuna, to-go. It looks like I'm gonna have to take both you AND the sandwich home."


Again, the lack of control of my voice. I have a theory, actually, on why this happens. I think it's because when I feel caught off guard like this, my mind starts racing. So many things are going through my head at this point. So many things, that in order to speak, I have to talk over the noise of all my thoughts. Don't worry, I'm going to share these thoughts with you, not just my loud-blibber-blubber and theories native to my ass - but in order to convey them all, I'm going to have to make a list.

My Thoughts After Being Mistaken For a Hooker

1. I'm at work. This is my job. I chose this profession. If I wanted to hear lines such as these, I would have chosen to work for a pimp. Do you see me wearing fishnets? Am I itching my vag? No. So don't talk to me like I'm a prostitute.

2. You are 60 years old.

3. This is Perv #2 that I have encountered in the past couple of months. And both were at work. That's a perv a month.

4. Is someone fucking with me? Is someone stalking me, figuring out when I work, and then hiring old men to come make me feel uncomfortable? Is there a lesson I'm supposed to be learning here? Why am I a target? Is there a sign on my back that says, "SENIOR CITIZEN SEX WANTED?" What the hell is going on?

5. Why don't normal people ever approach me like this? Or people my age? Why do I only attract the weird ones? I'm sure there are plenty of girls out there who have nice, young, attractive males flirt with them. I am not one of these girls. I'm the other kind. The kind that attracts pruney pedophiles.

6. Why do old people always order tuna? Is it because it's easy to chew?


These are my thoughts, the last one being on repeat.

"You have a boyfriend, don't you? I'm jealous."


"I'm jealous."




Thoughts: Continued.

8. Just play dumb. Continue to play dumb. Act like you're missing your brain. This method will work. Men don't like stupid girls.

9. What the hell am I thinking. Men love stupid girls. Don't play dumb. Act smart. Act incredibly intelligent. Confuse him with your wide vocabulary. Start speaking Spanish. Recite the capitals of all the Southeast Asian countries. Begin with Indonesia.

10. That's retarded. Don't bring Asia into this mess.

"What's your name?"



More Thoughts

11. Please don't say my name over and over again like that. It's incredibly disturbing.

12. What if I just ran away? Can I do that? Just dash off? Then return to work in a few minutes? Is that immature? Or is that instinct? Would I really choose flight if I were an animal? I'm a fighter, right? Should I punch him instead?

13. He's too old to punch. Who coined the term "oldies but goodies?" If you ask me, a more useful phrase would be "oldies NOT goodies." Either way, I can't punch this man.

"What's your nationality?"

"I'm American."



"I'm a mutt."

"A mutt?"

"Yep, I'm up for adoption."


"I'd love for you to adopt me."


Just One Thought

14. What the FUCK kinda pick up line is THAT?

"Are you in high school?"

"No, no, I graduated."

"Oh, so you're 18?"

"I am 21, actually."

"Great, great...I went to MBA. I'm an MBA boy."


"I got all the pretty girls in high school."


"They always wanted me."


Thoughts thoughts thoughts

15. Don't think I didn't catch the fact that you were checking to see if I was of legal age or not, punk.

16. Oh, you had all the pretty girls in high school? Wow! In that case, let's do it! I have incredibly low standards! What I look for in a man is not a sense of humor and engaging conversation, but instead, if he's dated other pretty girls! And if that was 45 years ago! You dated someone in 1960? Then what the hell are you waitin' for? Take off your pants, baby!

17. Why is it that as soon as someone creepy picks me as a target, ALL witnesses disappear? Where the hell are all my fellow coworkers? I'm around them all day, and as soon as I need them, they're all gone. I NEED WITNESSES. SOMEONE APPROACH THE STAND NOW OR BEAR MY WRATH.

"Name's Gumbo."

"I'm sorry?"

"Name's Gumbo."


"GUM. BO."

"Ah, yes. Like the food. Not like the green claymation man."

"Excuse me?"


"Well, Natasha Natasha Natasha, here's my card. Call me for a fun time."

And Dumbo leaves.

The Last of My Thoughts

18. You should know you're too old to be giving girls your phone number when it's printed on a business card.

19. I want my own business cards. Why don't I have some? I don't need his, I need my own.

20. You're seriously going to walk away, after all that you just put me through, and not leave a tip? Really? You're really gonna do that. You think your words were enough to impress me? Fuck you, Gumby. I need to see some bills. I need you to make it rain in this mutha fucka. Not even a penny? Really? Instead, you're going to leave me with the thought of your penis? Seriously? NOT EVEN A PENNY? A penny for my thoughts? Because I can give you twenty.

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