Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Mission Vaniller

"It's replaced planking."

"Wait, what's replaced planking?"




"What's cone-ing?"

"You've never heard of cone-ing?"


"It's when ---"

"Wait, what's planking?"

"You've never heard of planking?"


"It was the fad before owling."


"Yes, owling."

"What's owling?"

"The fad that came before cone-ing."

"God damnit."

"So you've never heard of planking?"


"Well trust me, you don't want to know."

"Well now I kind of do want to know."

"You want to know?"

"I didn't want to know."

"So you don't want to know?"

"Well I didn't want to know until you told me I didn't want to know. So yeah, now I kinda wanna know."


"It's when you lay down somewhere and have someone take a picture of you."


"That's it."

"That's it?"


"That's it."

"I told you, you didn't want to know."

"I'm just really confused right now."

"It was a huge fad."

"I'm just still really confused."

"It's pretty simple."

"And this is a popular thing?"



"It's not the thing to do anymore."

"So any pictures of me laying down are..."


"Are you fucking with me?"

"No, I'm serious. Planking is over. Don't go laying down on things and having people photograph it. It's not as amazing as people once thought it was."

"Alright. So after people figured out that it wasn't all that hilarious to change your posture on certain objects..."


"Then came owling."

"And owling is..."

"It's basically the same as planking."


"Except you try and look like an owl."

"Is this drug-related?"

"Not that I know of. It's just the cool thing to do."

"So it's planking meets fowl."


"And how does one try and resemble an owl?"

"You know, you can kinda squat, or put your hands over your eyes in the shapes of circles, stuff like that."


"Then you take a picture."


"And put it on facebook."


"Do you get it?"

"I'm just still really confused."


"Well it doesn't matter, because now it's all about coneing."

"Is that even a word?"

"It is now."

"How do you spell that? Coning? Or coneing?"

"I'm not really sure. I've seen people write it as "cone-ing." "

"Fuck the spelling, just tell me what it is."

"It's ---"

"Wait, let me guess. It's when you sit on something and try and look like a cone."

"Actually, no."



"Well shit."

"It's when you go to a drive-thru and order an ice cream cone, but when they reach out the window to hand it to you, you don't grab it by the cone. Instead, you grab it by the top of the ice cream."

"Holy shit."

"It's dumb, I kno---"


"It's kinda funny, I mea---"




"Right now?"


After several minutes of deep contemplation, the group came to the consensus that we would go coneing. Before embarking on our adventure, we watched several youtube videos on the subject matter, to make sure we knew exactly what we were doing. Videos on dudes in cars asking for "vaniller" cones and videotaping it. Educational films, I'm going to call them. Educational films on grabbing a cone by its ice cream.

In many of the education films, the employee at the window would react in confusion:

"Do you need some extra napkins..."

or shock:

"What the?"

or even anger:

"I ain't givin you another one of them!"

We knew what to expect, but at the same time, we did not know what to expect.

That...did not make much sense.

Moving on.

We're amped, we're pumped, I'm stuck in the backseat, away from all the action, but I'm still amped, I'm still pumped, I'm wishing I was the one doing the actual coneing, I decide that there will be plenty of more opportunities to grab ice cream, I tell myself I'll have two hands for another 100 years, yes I'm planning to live to be 121, ice cream will be around for inifinty, so it's okay, I can be a audience member instead of the performer, I'm not really okay with that, but this is going to be GREAT.

We approach the window. Me: the idea-suggester, Passenger Seat: the cameraman, and Driver: the Coner. We are immediately faced with a crucial problem.

"Should I say vaniller?"

"I don't know, do you have to?"

"The people in the videos were."

"Shit! I don't know! Is that protocol?"

"You tell me!"

"We can't fuck this up!"

"Welcome to Burger King, how can I help you?"

"Yeah, do you have ice cream cones?"

"Yes we do."

Ice-cream cone: check.

"Can I get a vaniller?"

Vanniller: check.

"Drive to the first window please."

Car: check.

The cone is paid for, and we creep on up to the second window. This is it. The moment we've all been waiting for. The experience we've prepared ourselves for for the last 5 minutes of our ENTIRE LIVES.

"Here you go, have a nic---"


In what seemed to be slow-motion, the arm reaches...reaches...reaches....and RAWWWWRRRRRRR...hits the top of the ice cream, fingers slowly digging themselves into the freezing cold deliciousness of the Vaniller, and the woman's jaw drops open, her eyes slowly narrowing in anger, saying all sorts of things without actual vocal projection. Things such as:

"What the hell?"




"This the tenth time today some fool has grabbed the cone by its fucking ice cream."

And that was it. Coneing. The act of severely confusing a drive-thru employee. The act of doing something completely opposite from the norm. The act of taking something so simple, and finding it to be the most hilarious thing in the world. Coneing.

Who thought of this? I wish I knew. Maybe the next person will come up with Strawing: ordering a drink and grabbing it by the straw, letting the whole beverage fall to the floor. Or maybe we'll all resort back to picture-taking positions, such as Picnic Anting: sitting on something and trying to look like an ant at a picnic. Yes, it's that simple. That's what so great about this day and age. You can get away with being a retard. In fact, being retarded may even bring you fame.

But honestly, I hope coneing sticks around for awhile. In the meantime, I'll try and kill as many brain cells as I can so I can fit in with everybody else. I'm sick of being an Abovetard. I'm ready to join the masses. Where's the vaniller? My hand is ready.

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