Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Like a Frankenstein Erection

I've been sitting in desks for 19 years and they haven't gotten any more comfortable. They're cold and hard, which makes them like a Frankenstein erection. It's a disturbing thought when you're in class, and while you're teacher is explaining the underlying themes of Shakespeare's Othello, you're sitting there thinking, This is what a zombie boner feels like.

This is probably what I'll tell my future-children when they ask me what it was like "back in my day." Years from now, I assume every school will have iDesks, equipped with computers built into the tables and massage knobs in the back of the seats. They'll probably have a lowercase "i" in front of everything: iSchools, iTeachers, iTests, iIs...

This will make it difficult to explain anything to them.

"In my day," I'll say, "The letter I meant me, not everything. And desks were like post-apocalyptic-penises."

"You mean an iPenis?" they'll ask.

"Not an iPenis, dearies, just a plain ol' tally-whacker."

...I originally sat down to write about the coffee I ordered this morning. I don't know what just happened.

Perhaps this morning's coffee experience made me think of the subtle sexuality found in classroom furniture. This may sound like a huge leap, but it's not when you order a drink and they ask for your name and you tell them 'Natasha.' Then, after you see them scribble on the sleeve of the cup, make the drink, and hand it to you, you see that they had not written 'Natasha,' but had instead written, 'XXSLUT.' This is a) rude for the obvious fact that no customer wants to be called 'slut' and b) rude for the discreet fact that if someone is going to be called a slut, they at least better be called a good slut. Where's my third X, huh? Are you calling me a mediocre slut? What's this double-X bullshit? I want that third X, dammit! It's like the black belt of brothels.

Don't believe me?

Please ignore the fact that the image is backwards. Sluts aren't exactly "computer-savy." (Though we do know a lot about Enter, Return, and Option F10...)

After staring at this for a good two minutes, I realized that perhaps it says, "shot," as in "shot of espresso," but then I thought about it some more, and it could be "shot" as in "cum shot." I just don't know anymore. It's hard to trust my judgment now that I know I'm lacking an X. I can only hope that The Blue Fairy will take pity on me and grant me that third symbol of evolution, all so I can turn to Gepetto and exclaim, "I'm a real slut!"

What this all seems to brew down to (get it? 'brew' instead of 'boil' because I'm talking about coffee? ha...ha...HA---okay it's not funny.) is that today I made the connection between desks and walking-dead-dicks, got called an average whore by my pumpkin latte, and then fell asleep in a chair in the library with my sunglasses still on.

...this is what I've taken from my last 5 years of school. XXcollegestudent.

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