Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Who's Feeding Gilbert Grapes?

Chicago Trip: Part IV of V

On Saturday, my dad and grandparents left early, fully clad in their red and gold attire, to attend the USC game where their favorite college football team would be playing Notre Dame. (This game was the reason why the five of us had all flown out to Chicago, in case any of you were wondering how two San Pedro residents, two Chattanooga residents, and one Nashville resident all decided to have their annual family vacation in a state where none of them lived.) My sister and I know nothing about football, so we were given the entire day and night to explore the Windy City ourselves.

"What do you wanna do today?" my sister asked me as we lounged around our hotel room, eating handfuls of licorice from the Ziploced-stash my grandparents had brought.

"Eh, doesn't matter to me," I shrugged. "I figured we'd just wing it."

"Okay," my sister said casually, which completely contradicted the fact that she had just whipped out a paper map covered in location labels written in her handwriting. In Waffle House terms, this map was smothered, covered, and chunked.

" some...ideas?" I asked.

"Yeah. A few."

"Well then, let's do it!"

"Are you sure there's nowhere specific you want to go?"

"Nope, I'm just happy to explore! OH - there is one place I'd like to go."

"Okay! Where?!"




"Out of all the potential vacation destinations, you want to go to Walgreens."

"I need to get a disposable camera. Plus, the Walgreens here are so different! They have revolving doors."

"Then first we'll go to Walgreens, and then I thought we could do some shopping downtown, stop and get coffee, and then head to The Art Institute of Chicago."

"Is that a children's psych ward?"

"It's a museum, Natasha."

"I was kidding."

"No you weren't."

"Okay I wasn't."

Stop #1 - Walgreens

"Look, Katrina! They have Shaq Soda!"

"Let's get a couple Red Bulls."

"And they have Swedish Fish!"

"They have those in Tennessee, Natasha."

"Yeah, and here!"

"...I'll be in the check-out line."

Stop #2 - Park Bench

me: Red Bull was a great idea.

my sister: Yeah, that walk wore me out.

me: We can people-watch until we finish these and then head to the museum, yeah?

12-year-old boy: (jumping over a crack in the sidewalk) PARKOUR!

me and my sister: ...

12-year-old boy: (shouting at his group of friends) Look, guys! (slams his hands into grass and then leaps up) PARKOUR!

me and my sister: ...

12-year-old boy: (hops off of sidewalk and then back onto sidewalk) Now that was PARKOUR!

me: Damn, the boy is leaving. Well. Shall we go now?

my sister: Wait, I think he's about to do one more.

12-year-old boy: (doing absolutely nothing) PARKOUR!

my sister: Alright, let's go.

Stop #3 - Art Museum

my sister: This place is HUGE! I had no idea it would be this big...

me: Where should we even start?

my sister: I guess in this room over here...ancient Greek sculptures.

me: (looking around) Why are all their man-parts missing? Where have all the penises gone?

my sister: They didn't have penises back then.

me: "Butt" they did have other things...

my sister: All the women's bodies are so much heavier than the men's...

me: Yeah, I noticed that. The women are kinda flabby but all the men have six-packs.

my sister: Looks like he was feeding her grapes.

me: What's this room? Colonial paintings?

my sister: Early American portraits.


my sister: I think that's supposed to be a woman...

me: That is most definitely a man.

my sister: Is that a man in woman's clothes?

me: That is absolutely a man in woman's clothes. Who also resembles Nic Cage.

my sister: It does sorta look like him...

me: WHAT IF...there was a museum just for Nic Cage pictures? A whole collection of Cage's face on other things...just imagine.

my sister: I'm not going to imagine that. I'm too confused by this painting right now. I just don't think they were painting trannies in the 18th century.

me: But somebody was. This tranny may have been the rebellious leader of an underground cult of 18th century transvestites. Or maybe even the early muse of Aerosmith.

Dude looks like a lady.

my sister: Let's move on to something else. There are Native American portraits over there...ha! This guy's name is Homo!

me: (strolling over to where my sister stood) Haha, look! This guy's name is Homo!

my sister: I seriously JUST said that.

me: Did you really? I didn't even hear you! God, I hope no one else heard us. We probably sound like Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum.

my sister: I wanna find the Picasso.

me: There's a Picasso painting here?!

my sister: I'm not sure. Dad said there was, but the pamphlet lists all the museum's most famous pieces under, "What to See In an Hour" and Picasso isn't on it.

me: Then they don't have a Picasso.

my sister: I really think they have a Picasso!

me: There's a lot of ass here, but no Pic-ass.

my sister: ...

me: Yeah that was terrible. I guess the Red Bull hasn't kicked in yet. Bad joke aside, they don't have a Picasso.

Stop #4 - Hotel Room

my sister: I'm hungry.

me: I'm starving. Ooh! Let's order delivery!

my sister: YES. Will you turn on the TV?

me: (running my hands along the television screen) I don't feel any buttons...where's the remote?

my sister: I'll look for it --- why are you on the hotel phone? Who are you calling?

me: We need to figure out how to turn on the television!

my sister: Natasha, I can probably find the remote in two seconds. Do NOT call and ask them ---

me: Yes, hi. How do you turn on the TV?

front desk man: Uhhh...

my sister: I found the remote.

me: Nevermind! We figured it out!

front desk man: You had me a bit taken aback there. Is there anything else I can help you with, ma'am?

me: Nope! Thanks!

my sister: Did you order drinks with our food?

me: I figured it'd be cheaper to just get some from the vending machines in the lobby.

my sister: They don't have vending machines in the lobby.

me: WHAT? Well, no worries.

my sister: You're calling again? What are you even going to say? They don't even have a bar in this hotel. We can't ---

me: Yes, hi, it's me again. Um, so, you don't have any vending machines?

front desk man: No, ma'am, I'm sorry.

me: No problem! Um, do you know how I could get a drink?

front desk man: What exactly are you looking for?

me: Anything really.

front desk man: I'm sure we can work something out.

me: Th --- he hung up on me!

my sister: Probably because you called asking how to watch TV and how to get water.

me: I never said 'water.'

my sister: You said anything. That includes water.

(knock knock knock!)

me: I'll get it.

hotel employee: Two Coca-Colas for you, miss!

me: Wow! Thanks! Uh... (realizing I have no cash on me to tip) ...yeah, thanks a whole bunch! (closes door)

my sister: Wow, they actually brought us drinks!

me: YES! I'm so thirsty! I --- FUCK!

my sister: What?

me: They're warm.

my sister: Then go get ice from the ice machine in the lobby.

me: There is no ice machine in the lobby.

my sister: Then how do we get ice?


my sister: They hate us.

me: They do not hate us.

my sister: They hate us.

me: Yes, hi, SORRY I keep, how do I get ice? Cause I can get it, you know. I don't want to make you guys get ---

front desk man: We'll send someone up, ma'am. (click!)

me: They hate us.

(knock knock knock!)

me: Hi!

hotel guy: You wanted ice?

me: Yep!

hotel guy: ...

me: ...

hotel guy: ...

me: ...

hotel guy: May I...have...your ice bucket, please?

me: OH right right right second. (runs and gets ice bucket)

hotel guy: That is a bowl, ma'am.

me: A BOWL, right right right, yes it is, isn't it UH...

hotel guy: The ice bucket is a silver pail that should be located beside your restroom.

me: RIGHT of course, silver, right, got second. (runs and gets what better be the fucking ice bucket)

hotel guy: Thank you, ma'am. I'll return shortly with your ice.

me: (closing door) OH MY GOD.

my sister: Why were you running around grabbing different bowls?

me: Fuck the ice man. Hey do you have a dollar so I can tip him?

my sister: Yeah, here. Is one enough?

me: I don't one enough?

my sister: Oh shit, I thought I had more ones. That's all I got. One will have to be enough.

(knock knock knock!)

me: (opening door) HEY!

hotel guy: Your ice, ma'am.

me: THANKS! And uh, It's a dollar. One dollar. That's all I have. One. I'm sorry. Errr. THANKS FOR THE ICE! (closes door)

my sister: I don't think yelling at people makes them think more highly of you.

me: It's a defense mechanism. I can't help it.

my sister: So what are we gonna watch?

me: I have Once Upon a Time on Netflix...

my sister: Is that the show you're obsessed with?

me: Maybe...

my sister: Yeah let's watch it! Let me just look this up real quick.

me: What're you looking up?

my sister: The art museum. I'm seeing what we missed.

me: We were there for two hours. There's no way we missed anything. We ---

my sister: (gasp!)

me: What? What is it? Do I need to call the front desk again?

my sister: They have a Picasso.

Disclaimer: Despite their five-star performance, the front desk was not able to acquire the Picasso.

No comments: