my sister: What do you want for your birthday?
me: Well there are these Nic Cage pillowcases---
my sister: Please stop calling him "Nic." You've done this twice now. It's creepy. I'm not even going to mention the pillowcases.
me: Fine. I'll ask Dad then.
my sister: Dad is not going to buy you Nicolas Cage pillowcases.
...then it's a good thing pillowcases aren't the only thing on my Wish List.
I also want Nicolas Cage paper dolls!
But paper does tend to tear...I better get a Nic Cage action figure, too.
Or maybe a simple Lego Nic that I can carry around in my pocket...
But that seems selfish. How about a Guess Who: Nicolas Cage Edition board game that everyone can enjoy!
And for those who don't live close enough to come over and play games with me, I'll just send them a nice Cagey postcard!
But what about days I have to work? No problem! I can keep this Nicolas Cage magnetic white board on the fridge near my desk!
But the fridge is pretty far away...I might as well Cage-ify my whole study area. Problem solved!
And when I need a break from work, I'll snuggle up with my Nicolas Cage blankie...
On my Nicolas Cage couch...
With my Nicolas Cage pillow...
But first I'll have to convince my family that I need these things.
me: Katrina. I need these Nic Cage things.
my sister: I don't even know how to respond to that.
me: This won't last forever. His acting career could end any day. He's already 49 years old.
my sister: You know his age?
me: Nevermind that. Look - I only have one birthday a year. Last year was Troll dolls, this year is Nic Cage.
my sister: Why don't you ask for something appropriate for your age for once?
me: What do you mean "for once?" I asked for mature presents last Christmas.
my sister: You asked for a Kill Bill lunchbox.
me: Yeah, to put my lunch in for when I go to work like adults do.
my sister: Is that what the Space Jam toys were for?
me: That doesn't count. I didn't get those.
my sister: And the Gremlins dolls you asked for?
me: I did not ask for Gremlins dolls. I asked for Gremlins action figures...
my sister: You asked for those same things fifteen years ago. Do you even update your wish list or do you just pull from the one from 1998?
me: MAYBE I'VE JUST ALWAYS KNOWN WHO I AM.
my sister: So you're going to ask for toys every single birthday?
me: Well what's a 23-year-old supposed to ask for?
my sister: I don't know, like necessities. Socks...shoes...underwear...
me: Nic Cage underwear?
my sister: NO, WHAT? I doubt that even exists.
Oh really?
my sister: I'm done talking to you. This Nicolas Cage obsession has gone on too long. I say this because I care. And I'm worried. Seek help now. You've reached a breaking point.
No. This is a breaking point. I still have a ways to go.
...and you're all coming with me.
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