Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Nicolas Cage Merchandise

 my sister: What do you want for your birthday?

me: Well there are these Nic Cage pillowcases---

my sister: Please stop calling him "Nic." You've done this twice now. It's creepy. I'm not even going to mention the pillowcases.

me: Fine. I'll ask Dad then.

my sister: Dad is not going to buy you Nicolas Cage pillowcases.

...then it's a good thing pillowcases aren't the only thing on my Wish List.

I also want Nicolas Cage paper dolls!

But paper does tend to tear...I better get a Nic Cage action figure, too.

Or maybe a simple Lego Nic that I can carry around in my pocket...

But that seems selfish. How about a Guess Who: Nicolas Cage Edition board game that everyone can enjoy!

And for those who don't live close enough to come over and play games with me, I'll just send them a nice Cagey postcard!

But what about days I have to work? No problem! I can keep this Nicolas Cage magnetic white board on the fridge near my desk!

But the fridge is pretty far away...I might as well Cage-ify my whole study area. Problem solved!

And when I need a break from work, I'll snuggle up with my Nicolas Cage blankie...

On my Nicolas Cage couch...

With my Nicolas Cage pillow...

But first I'll have to convince my family that I need these things.

me: Katrina. I need these Nic Cage things.

my sister: I don't even know how to respond to that.

me: This won't last forever. His acting career could end any day. He's already 49 years old.

my sister: You know his age?

me: Nevermind that. Look - I only have one birthday a year. Last year was Troll dolls, this year is Nic Cage.

my sister: Why don't you ask for something appropriate for your age for once?

me: What do you mean "for once?" I asked for mature presents last Christmas. 

my sister: You asked for a Kill Bill lunchbox.

me: Yeah, to put my lunch in for when I go to work like adults do.

my sister: Is that what the Space Jam toys were for?

me: That doesn't count. I didn't get those.

my sister: And the Gremlins dolls you asked for?

me: I did not ask for Gremlins dolls. I asked for Gremlins action figures...

my sister: You asked for those same things fifteen years ago. Do you even update your wish list or do you just pull from the one from 1998?


my sister: So you're going to ask for toys every single birthday?

me: Well what's a 23-year-old supposed to ask for?

my sister: I don't know, like necessities.

me: Nic Cage underwear?

my sister: NO, WHAT? I doubt that even exists.

Oh really?

my sister: I'm done talking to you. This Nicolas Cage obsession has gone on too long. I say this because I care. And I'm worried. Seek help now. You've reached a breaking point.

No. This is a breaking point. I still have a ways to go.

...and you're all coming with me.

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