Friday, December 6, 2013

How to Study...Like a Boss

Oh, why hello! I didn't see you there. My name is Natasha Ferrier, but you probably know me as "That Girl Is Still in College?" Since I have been a university student for longer than I should have, I know plenty of ways to have a successful college career. Some 4-year-graduates may try and pass some advice onto you as Finals Time approaches, but it is in your best interest to not listen to them. What do they know? They've only been college students for four measly years, unlike me, who has enough experience to guide any fellow peer to a rolled up piece of paper. Imagine it now: you're in a polyester bath robe, a pointy square hat that seems to be sitting atop a swim cap, and you match everyone around you, making you all look like a cute, little satanic cult that worships bare paper towel rolls with bows on them. I have dreamed of this day just as you have, and that is why I am here to help you. Just follow these ten study tips, and graduation will be here eventually!

Tip 1

Call yourself "a boss." It's finals week, you're under a lot of stress, and you don't think you can balance all the exams. The truth is - you can't. But a boss can. And what are you? You're a BOSS.

Tip 2

Whenever you need a break from studying, don't just get up from your computer and sigh with exhaustion. This kind of exit strategy gives power to that white, untouched word document, the one looking back at you like an albino virgin saying, "You can't touch me. I'm blank and I'm bad." So when you take your little study break, leave with a bang. One of my favorite time-out phrases is to say my last name, and then say "out." Try it. Your albino virgin may say, "But you were never in," so you say it again. "Last name OUT!" This will trick it. Make it weak. Vulnerable. Ready to have your hands on it.

Tip 3

Cover your desk with all the study materials you need. Having them surrounding you all at once will make you feel prepared. Everyone's study materials vary depending on their courses. As an example, my specific class schedule requires me to have the following:

1. A 6-pack of beer
2. A Red Bull big enough to knock out Andre the Giant
3. An ashtray
4. Enough candy to outlast both the beer and Red Bull
5. Books (optional)

Tip 4

At some point during the study session, get completely off track and do something that has absolutely nothing to do with anything. You may want to hula hoop while singing Chumbawumba lyrics, do the macarena while naked, or prank call your dog until you remember your dog doesn't own a cell phone. Whatever it may be, just don't put too much thought into it. The whole point is to put a halt on all brain activity.

I, for instance, put on this plastic mask, tied my hair in a bun, and then pretended to be a mute Mr. Miyagi for twenty seconds. No thought involved at all. Just raw, inbred instincts.

Tip 5

After repeating Tip One for hours ("I'm a Boss, I'm a Boss"), the mantra may lose some of its magic. This is when you must resort to a new tactic to convince yourself that you care about your education. Plant a decoy, something that appears to be interfering with your studies. This will cause you to challenge the decoy, because not only are you a boss - you're also a fighter. Standing up for your right to study will cause you to care more about this wonderful opportunity to skim paragraphs. Stop taking half-assed reading for granted and go sack that decoy!

"That's MY Red Bull, miniature Dracula figurine! I don't care if Bull is the new Blood, that's MY Bull and I need it to study! You can't stop me, Count! I'm gonna study and you're going right back to where you were! On the table beside the can! Cause I'm a studier!"

Tip 6

Your back is probably in pain from slouching over textbooks all night, trying to read the fine print. Get someone to massage your shoulders. You deserve a good back massage.

Tip 7

If you are able to find someone to give you a back massage, stop being selfish and send them my way. You have studying to do.

Tip 8

Be sure and let everyone know you are studying. There are many ways to do this, including updating your facebook status, instagram, e-mail, long-lost pen pals, phone calls to Papa John's, and an array of hashtags that could easily accompany your tweets, such as #study, #studytime, #timetostudy, #imstudying, #hashtagstudy, and the always reliable #funny#cute#stupid#me#lol.

Tip 9

Do you have any friends you haven't talked to in awhile? Text 'em!

Tip 10

Go to the bathroom as much as you can. These frequent breaks will relieve the tension finals are causing you. Don't hold it in. As famous author Amanda Mayer Stinchecum once said, "Everybody poops." Take these words to heart. Then take them to the toilet.

Ferrier OUT! a boss.


Ivy said...

Damn it, this is genious!! Where were you when I was struggling studying for my exams.. No, really, where were you? That's not nice that you weren't there.

Anyhowdily, I love your blog but can't follow it. Fix that. :D I'm on WordPress, where all the "following" magic happens...

Natasha said...

Thank you, Ivy! If only I had posted it when you were struggling with exams...

You're having trouble following?! What! I must fix that IMMEDIATELY. Thank you so much for your comment. I'll have to check out this WordPress you speak of...