"You guys wanna know what the most popular brand of dildo is?"
"Yep. The Rabbit."
"What? How does everyone know this but me?!"
That's me, clueless.
"The question is, how do you NOT know?"
"SORRY I don't know what company makes the best penis knock-off."
That's me, pissed.
"EVERYONE knows the most popular brand of dildo. It's The---"
"The Rabbit. Yeah, yeah, I got it."
That's me, now wiser in the foreplay department than I was 15 seconds ago.
"Why is is named after an animal?"
"Apparently the handle is a rabbit."
"Dildos have handles?"
"How else are you supposed to get it all---"
That's me, saying a synonym for 'correct' 4 times so as to shut him up and save myself maraschino cheeks.
"How did you not know?"
"About the handle?"
"About the dildo."
"How am I supposed to know?"
That's me, realizing the outcome of having all guy friends. I learn things like sex toy preferences. Advice to sexually frustrated mothers looking for spice added to your sex life, or looking for a sex life in general: go ask your son. They'll have some pointers. Awkward? Didn't HE once ask you how sex was even DONE? It's not like he doesn't KNOW you still have a sex drive. If he knows dildo brands, he knows you still have your mojo. (Still awkward? Go ask your son's friends. They'll find a kick out of it and I'm sure would be more than eager to help their friend's MOM find her inner cougar.)
"You just KNOW these things. It's just something you should know. Like algebra."
Comparing fake penises to algebra. I can't believe I'm even listening to these people.
"Well now I know."
"Thanks to us."
"NOT that I need to know."
"Not that you need to know, Natasha."
"Cause I like 'em...you know, real."
Cause I like 'em real? Why would I even say that? What kind of idiot says things like that? This is what's awkward about having your friends be male-dominated. They always somehow manage to bring up sex, and then someone makes a sex joke, and then they laugh, then they start punching each other, then they continue to punch each other until someone gets kicked in the balls, then he falls down and everyone tries really hard to not laugh, but then one person does so they all do, then someone apologizes, and someone suggests we go get food, and someone asks the wounded-sack guy if he is ready to come, and then someone says, "That's what she said!"
"It's good to hear you like them real, Natasha."
How about we ALL repeat the retarded thing I just said a couple times with my name in the same sentence so everyone can hear and label me The Slut-quita At The Mexican Restaurant?!
"Some people might not, you know."
"I know. Like those chicks who use the---"
"The hot dogs."
"Wait, how does everybody know this but me?"
"How do you---"
"NOT KNOW. Yeah yeah yeah, skip all that and just tell me."
"You know, Natasha, for a female, you don't know much about being a female."
"Yeah, since hot dogs are a BIG part of being a female."
"Maybe not hot dogs..."
"Yeah, since dildos are a BIG part of being a female."
"Yeah yeah yeah, that's hilarious. Now tell me the hot dog thing; I'm combobulated."
"Girls use them to get off, and then they wind up going to the hospital because the hot dogs get stuck up there."
"That is SUCH A MYTH!"
That's me, saying that that is such a myth.
"No it's not!"
"Yes it IS!"
That's me, saying that yes, it is.
"It's true, dude!"
"Oh yeah? Name ONE girl you know who got a hot dog stuck in her...her...her..."
That's me, incredibly uncomfortable with the word 'vagina' but somehow comfortable wiggling my fingers around in front of my own in order to convey the word.
"Well, I don't know anyone specifically..."
"But it happens."
"And why are we talking about this?"
"You got something more interesting?"
"Well okay then."
I had assumed that the reason we talked about these things was because we were immature, horny, and shameless. In other words, because we were teenagers. But, as I was waiting for the check, 4 adults walked in and sat at the table next to our own.
"Have you guys heard of The Rabbit?"
"The most popular brand of dildo?"
"Yeah I have it."
"What makes it so special?"
I'm serious. No joke. This is me, Natasha, NOT joking. Just goes to show we're not the only ones. The idea that teenagers are the only ones curious about sex is an urban myth. And it just keeps getting bigger and bigger. That's what she said!