Friday, May 15, 2009

"Unfit to Live With"

I expected everyone who goes to college to be sane. I mean, come on, crazy people in college? Please. College is for academic, scholarly, cardiganed up ladies and gents, not the whack jobs. According to my high school librarian, this is not true.

"My roommate was so crazy in college."

"Like, in a good way, or a bad way?"

"Like in a she used to wear lampshades on her head way."

"Wait, you mean like around the dorm loungin' in a lampshade?"

"No, I mean like she'd go to class with a lampshade on her head."

"I really just don't know what to say to that."

"She was Iranian."


"And 5 foot 7."

"Now that's crazy."

"But she left to live by herself."

"Like in an apartment?"

"No, like they made her live in a one-person dorm."






"You know."

"Not really..."

"You've never heard of the dorms for, "The Unfit To Live With?" people?"

"Unfit to live with?"

"Crazy people."

"They get their own dorms?"

"Yes, the school doesn't trust the crazies to be living with the saneys."

"Because they're unfit to live with?"

"Yes, but they call them Single Dorms to sound nicer."

"Man, that'd be fun!"


"Live all by yourself! Don't have to deal with annoying roommates! Or people eating your food! Or people getting mad at you because you ate their food! Or people who snore! Or people who make other loud, annoying noises from their bedroom at night! Like when they bring their boyfriend over! In case you didn't catch what I was implying at first! Man, that'd be stellar!"

"But it's a college experience you need to have freshmen year, living with roommates. It's unforgettable."

"Forget that! I wish I could live with myself!"

Two days later.

"Hello Dr. Sylvester!"

"Hello, Natasha, how are you? How is the medicine working?"

"Not that great...I still wake up every hour and stay up for about 30 minutes before I go to bed."

"Well I had hopes that we'd find some way to help your insomnia before you leave for college, but I just don't know if there's time."

"Oh. Well I can deal with it. I mean, whatever, it's just sleep, right?! HA!"

"No, this is serious, but I know of one thing we can do."


"Have you ever heard of Single Dorms?"

Pause. Time-out. Take a break. May I interrupt my friendly doctor in order to inform all that I am NOT crazy. Got it? NOT. How DARE he think that just because I can't sleep I am a loony! I mean, how is that going to go over when I meet tons of new people in college and they're like, "Meet my roommates, Candy and Sandy," and I'm like, "Oh, nice to meet you Candy and Sandy, ya fuckin' strippers," and she's like, "And who are your roommates?" and I'm like, "Oh, I don't have any," and she's like, "Don't have any?" and I'm like, "Nope, I live in a Single Dorm," and she's like, "Oh, you mean an Unfit To Live With Dorm?" and I'm like, "Errrrrr..." and she's like, "Oh look at the time..." even though she's really just looking at the mole on her wrist and then she leaves dragging Candy and Sandy behind her sneaking backwards glances at me as they walk away. Whispering. AWKWARD, OKAY? NO. NO. NO. I am NOT being known as the only freshmen who is unfit to live with, which means I'm unfit to befriend, and unfit to talk to. The only thing I'll be fit for is for people to look at me and whisper to each other. NO. NO. NO. I mean if I was a SLUT that'd be pretty fuckin' tight because I could get away with a dude a day, but I'm not; instead I'll have the rep of the nutjob newbie. And then, what? Some creepy bro hears that I have a single room and shows up knockin' on my door and I open it and he's like, "Here, I made this drink for you," and I'm like, "Oh! It's nice and red, like punch, thank you," then I feel dizzy and 4 other guys show up and they're like, "I JUST LOVE THEM ROOFIES, BREH!" and I end up being the Rosemary with a baby around campus. It's dangerous, people! I'm a woman! I'm helpless against horny bros! Am I supposed to put myself in intense danger every single night of my life? NO. NO. NO.

"Yes. I think I've heard of them."

Ya ass munch.

"They are just for people who have special reasons to not be living with anyone else. You're a very luck girl, you know."

Ya lying sack of shit.

"So I'm just going to write a letter and mail it to them requesting for you to be roomed by yourself, alright?"


Ya gonad.

So, here I am, on the edge of being roomed alone, on the edge of missing out on the BIGGEST COLLEGE EXPERIENCE there is, as well as on the edge of having the reputation as That Fucked Up Psycho my first year at a new school. Thanks, Doc.

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