Saturday, March 15, 2008

The Tire Store

"Hey! This is Vanessa. I'm here with Natasha and I was wondering if you and Jack wanted to hang out."

Although I never actually have the balls...(what would the equivalent be to that expression for girls?)...I never actually have the "
breasts" to call up a boy I like and ask him if he wants to hang out. But I do have the "breasts" to tell my best friend to call up his best friend and ask them if they want to hang out with us. Is that even more obvious? (I also have the "breasts" to chime in during the convo to give Vanessa tips on what to say.)

"Where are we? Well..."

"Say somewhere cool. Vanessa! Tell them we're somewhere COOL."

"
Uhhh...we are at theeeeeee.....tire store."

"You guys are at the
tire store?"

"Yep, we're right here, just
sittin' and lookin' at tires. Yeppity yep yep yep...."

As if speaking retarded gibberish after saying something retarded suffices.

"Tire store, tire store, tire store..."

As if repeating the retarded thing you just said over and over again makes it any LESS retarded.

"Vanessa. I think where we are NOW is even cooler than the "cool" place you just said we were."

That's a lie. We were in our school parking lot. On a Saturday night. We're at school 5 days a week, we complain the entire time that we can't wait for the weekend, and then when the weekend finally arrives, what do we do? We go right back to the place we go to learn algebra. It might be the most loserish thing I've ever done. But still, the TIRE STORE? Where did that even COME from?

"You're getting ice cream? You'll call back? Okay, bye!"

"Ice cream? That is SO lame!"

"I really don't think we have the power to say that is lame. According to them, we're at the tire store."

"But really we're at school."

"Exactly my point."

"But did you hear that, Natasha? They're going to call us back!"

"I feel awkward."

"Why?"

"It's just too obvious."

"It's not OBVIOUS. You're just being paranoid."

Two hours later.

"So you think they forgot?"

"God, this is SO lame."

"I think they just forgot. Should I call them?"

"NO! DO NOT CALL THEM!"

"Why? I'm calling."

"That is desperate! And LAME! And
obvious."

"Hello, is this Jack? You're still with Elliot, right? Awesome. Did you guys still want to hang out?"

"I can't believe you called them again!"

"Where are we?"

"Do NOT say the tire store."

"
Walgreens. Sitting outside of Walgreens."

"
Walgreens?"

"Eating chocolate."

"
What?"

"Just eating chocolate here at
Walgreens."

"God, Vanessa. This is embarrassing. Please tell them I'm not with you. It's getting to be obvious."

"But I'm alone. Yeah, Natasha left about an hour ago."

"An
hour?"

"So I've been eating chocolate."

"Eating chocolate by yourself for an hour?

"But she's coming back to get me."

"Great. Now they think I ditched you at
Walgreens for an hour with just enough money to buy 10 Hershey's bars."

"So you DO want to hang out?"

Is it even worth it now? After all that humility? Does anyone else besides myself understand how awkward that would be? They didn't even call us back. They think we eat chocolate and stare at tires on our Saturday nights. Like, that's what we do. Eat chocolate and stare at tires. It's just embarrassing. And it would be embarrassing for them to hang out with two people who did that. And it would be embarrassing for us to hang out with two people who would hang out with two people who eat chocolate and stare at tires on a Saturday night. And they don't even know we were at school for an hour arguing about what to say when we called them. And obviously we didn't even think of anything good because according to them we eat chocolate and stare at tires on Saturday night.

"Yeah, you can call us back."

"They're not calling us back in an hour"

"Don't be so negative!"

"It's 10:00."

"Maybe you two could just talk on the phone!"

Lame.

"Or you could ask if he wants to do something tomorrow!"

Lame.

"Or we could call him back right now and tell them we'll meet them instead of them meeting us!"

Perfect! NOT. Lame.

Why must we all be so smooth all the time? So stealth? So discrete? So nonchalant? Why can't I just call up the guy I like and ask if he wants to hang out? Why do I have to be the one who's hard to get? Why can't I be the one who whistles and winks? Who raises an eyebrow or screams, "HEY GOOD
LOOKIN'!" out the car window? Why can't I be the one who grabs some guy's ass as I'm walking by? Why can't I be the one who's obvious?

3 comments:

Ellie said...

That was so funny! I came by here via Lindsay's blog. I will definitely be back-- you are hilarious!

emily said...

I am so cracking up. I think I did that... like 100 years ago and we were in a 7-11 parking lot and I can't remember the guys name - but I do remember I got a date or 2 even with the lame friend through a friend.

And even now being all old and stuff sometimes you still use the friend to call someone or introduce you...

I am here via Lindsay as well!

Mark Kelly Hall said...

(Yet another referral from Suburban Turmoil).

You're hilarious. Do I detect a little Dave Barry and maybe "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" in your style?

Because you've inspired me and because, as I often do, I have time on my hands at work, I thought I'd add to the story; here's what was probably happening on the other end, after the first phone conversation:

* * *

Bye!

Dude, why'd you tell her we were getting ICE CREAM?

It was all I could think of! What was I supposed to say...that we're sitting in your dad's car in the driveway because you're grounded?

But ICE CREAM? What're we, twelve-year-old pansies? You might as well have said our mommies were holding our hands!

Sorry! Next time YOU answer the phone. What's your problem with ice cream, anyway?

Are we gonna call 'em back?

I dunno...not yet. We have to think of something to say.

Other than we're at the frilly dress store, I hope.

Dude, let it go.

So what are we doing?

I dunno. I'm hungry.

For what?

Uhh...how about ice cream?

(Rolls eyes). Yeah. That sounds good. We can come up with something cool to talk about when we call back.

Call who?

The girls!

Oh, yeah. Hey, maybe we could call the ice cream store and see if they deliver.

(A two-hour argument ensues over whether ice cream stores deliver, including a painfully detailed discussion of what kind of refrigeration this would require, and several completely unrelated topics).

"RRRRing!"

* * *

And to offer an opinion you weren't necessarily looking for about why men have the role of initiators and women the responders: women are generally so far ahead of men on relationships, having to be the ones to call, etc., gives us a chance to catch up a little maturity-wise because we're forced to think and take part in the process. If we can get over the fear of rejection. And the fear of ending up in a country song. Or a blog.

Mark