Saturday, March 22, 2008

Teenage Lingo for Dummies

As humans, we are always asking questions. Questions lead to answers, yes? We learn from them, and we encourage others to ask them, as well. Aren't people always asking, "Do you have any questions?" They want us to question everything, they want us to be curious. Unless you're a parent, of course.

"Where do babies come from?"
It sounds so simple, yet there are so many ways to answer. You simply cannot tell a Kindergartner that a boy puts his uh-uh in a girls uh-uh and they do a little uh-uh. You just can't do that.

Of course, my case is different. I lived in a house where there was no such thing as personal and awkward questions. My mom believed that there was nothing to hide about the world. And in effect, I, too, decided that there was nothing to hide...not even from my friends.

"Where are we going, Mrs. Croft?"

"I am taking you and Lucy to play mini-golf!"


"Mommy, can Natasha come over to my house to play after we play mini-golf?"

"Sure, honey!"

"And can we watch a movie?"

"Sure! Why don't you ask Natasha what movie we should watch?"

"Okay! Natasha, what do you want to watch? We have Aladdin, Lion King, The Brave Little Toaster..."

"Can we watch To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything?"

"What's that?"

"It's my favorite movie EVER. IT's about these three guys who dress up like girls."

"Oh! Like when we play dress-up?"

"No, they dress up like girls because they're gay. You see, gay people are people who don't like girls. They are guys that like other guys. They want to marry guys and kiss them. Some people are just born gay."


"Yes. My mommy told me all about them. There is even a girl version of gay people. They are called lesbians."


"Yes. But they can't have babies."


"Yes. You see, two private parts in the front that are the same cannot make babies."

"Mommy, is that true?"

"Yes. Yes. It is true."

Can we just stop and take a moment to give this mother a hand? I mean, she lets her daughter's friend come over, she pays for her to play mini-golf, she lets HER choose the movie to watch, and how do I repay her? I blab on and on about things that she had probably been waiting to tell her daughter when she was older...much older...and had probably spent a lot of time on thinking of ways to explain. And instead of making up some lie on the spot to "protect" her child from "the real world", she was honest. Good for her! But hey, I give the cold, hard facts. No beating around the bush with me. No, siree. She should really have thanked me for it. She didn't even mention it to my mother, not until 4 years later, anyway, when her and Mother were discussing on how to explain to us about sex, and Mrs. Croft goes, "Why don't I just get Natasha to explain?!" Of course my mother had no idea what she meant...but either way, I would have done a hell of a job. You know that really old wrinkly woman on T.V. who answers sex questions? Yeah. That's going to be me when I'm 90. Not only still kickin', but still gettin' some. Ohhhh yeaahhhh.

I just don't think parents should fret about ways to tell their kids the nitty gritty about life. In fact, they may not even HAVE to. Just like that one kid lets the cat out of the bag about Santa Claus, there's always that one kid who somehow knows everything there is to know know. I was definitely that kid in elementary school, but now? Sad to say I have lost my mojo. Now I'm the Clueless Clara with all the questions and hey, I'm not afraid to ask them! I've learned quite a few things throughout my high school career. Hey kids! Here's a list to take home to the fam!

Teenage Lingo for Dummies
1. Gooch
Learned this Junior Year. Art Class. Described to me as "where point A and point B meet." Great word, awkward definition.
2. The Rusty Trumpet
Learned this two nights ago. Asked 6 different people before I got an answer. Kind of confusing, but I know I heard the words "doo-doo" and "tongue" used in describing it. Who thinks up this stuff? I mean, really?
3. "Are you clean?"
Upper-classmen think they can ask freshmen girls anything they want. This is just one of many awkward questions I have been cornered with.
4. V-Card (no. it is not Visa)
Sophomore year. Soccer practice. Of all the senior girls, only one paraded around the field doing the V-Card dance. "I got my V-Card, what? I got my V-Card, YEA!"
5. Hook-Up
I admit this is just me being extremely naive. Sophomore year, a freshmen was telling me about a boy she was "talking to" and said they had "hooked-up." Me, being the inexperienced one in the "hooking-up" department, asked, "Oh? So you two, what, went to the movies?" She laughed, thinking I was joking, and continued with her story. That could have been my chance to let it drop and save myself the humiliation. But no, I just love askin' questions! So I asked again, "So wait...did you two...kiss?" God I embarrass myself. She kindly explained to me what "hooking-up" was, and I kindly sat there staring with my mouth open. Man how things change.

Well, that's all the lingo you get for today! Of course, a lot of you reading this probably already know what these terms are, which only embarrasses me more. But hey, I know now, don't I? (If there is any other vocabulary not mentioned here, you are welcome to call, e-mail, or fax me the terms, definitions, and origin of the word any time Sunday through Saturday. Thank you and have a nice day.)


savannah said...

natasha im your number one fan

Suburban Turmoil said...

What's a jelly baby?

anne said...

So, since you're closer to my son's age than I am, will you check out my current post and tell me whether my son overhearing my hubby and me acting all horny scarred him for life??

And it's good to have someone translate the lingo. You can be sure I'll be coming back here again.

Meanwhile, I gotta get LOW in my applebottom jeans... and fold some laundry.

Katrina said...

Believe it or not, I'm a 34 year old mom and I found this post quite educational. I didn't know most of those terms, so thanks for the enlightenment! Usually, I have to use Google (or Wikipedia--you'd be surprised what all is on Wikipedia!)

And I call that wrinkly old lady on late night cable the Sex Grandma. She cracks me up.

You're a good writer, by the way. I really enjoy your style. Keep it up!

Worker Mommy said...

Came by way of your stepmom's blog and boy am I glad I did. If for nothing else then the fact that I learned the words "rusty trumpet". That's one of those things that I'll laugh to myself about later during a meeting or something and people here at work will think I'm crazy.

Something to add to your list: (courtesty of my 15 year old stepdaughter) The bigger the O the bigger the ho. (now this was of course news to me but apparently the bigger the hoop earrings a girl wears the bigger ...well you get the point)

Take care and thanks for making me laugh!

Allisone said...

Might I suggest a teenage translation service? If you take paypal, you could make a killing.

Niihaus said...

We have a 16 year old boy living here, so we hear much different slang.

I'll be coming back for more inside teen looking. Cuz I seriously don't get y'all at all. I get my son, but my 13 year old dd is TOO much!

And if Natasha isn't you're real name - I just have to say the blogging world is in full swing of coolness when Lucinda's eldest dd is Natasha. Great name. Keep up the good work!

justmylife said...

As a mother of an 18 year old boy, I hear a lot of things I really don't understand. Educate us and we would be forever grateful and some of us might pay for your help, we might put you through college! Thank your step mom for pointing me in your direction.

Diane said...

Heh. Terms may change, but teenagers in every era have a great deal in common...

You have a wonderful ear for dialogue, Natasha, and a gift for finding the funny (or ironic, or just plain silly) in any situation.

Lee said...

I could give you a loooonng list of terms, but I doubt your folks would approve!

Like here through your Mom. Good stuff!

Wendryn said...

I came here from your stepmother's blog and have read everything you've written so far. I really enjoyed it.

You are quite good at finding the funny pieces of a situation - it's a great read!

KM said...

Wow. I'm looking forward to learning some lingo and other pertinent info. Came here from Suburban Turmoil. Glad I did. I really like your blog!

Kristi in Texas

cbahm said...

Came to visit your blog via your step-mom's blog. *waving hello* Never realized I'd get all educated! :o)

Carrie said...

I'm still a little confused...V-card? does that mean she still has her virginity or she's the one who lost it?????

SaraLynn said...

LOL...this is good!
I have to ask though...v-card?

Potty Mummy said...

As a brit, and a mum - what? (I am SO uncool...)

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

OK so I am clueless AND old. ;)

My daughters are only 5 and 3. I'm skeered.

I clicked over from your stepmom's blog. You're a great writer Natasha!

Suburban Turmoil said...

Oh yeah, I meant to ask about the V-Card too. I can't wait to use that in front of your friends, Natasha!!

Angel said...

I still don't get V-card.. or rusty trumpet. I'm so lame. But you are allowed to be lame at 32.

I would say v-card is a good, modern way to say virgin. I like that. Even though I'm not a virgin. I'm going to tell my boys to hold onto their v-card until they are 21. Mama don't want no granbabies before then!!!

Anyway, great post:)

Givinya De Elba said...

Lindsay sent me over ... what a cool blog you have! You write well - keep it up! My kids are 3 and 1, and I'm guessing their lingo will be different, being Australian future teenagers.

Straight hair seems to suit you (from that tiny picture!) The BOING would drive me mad.

Brayden said...

I second the notion of a teenage translation service. I wouldn't need it though, since I am 26 and that's PRACTICALLY a teenager, RIGHT? Riiiight?

Great blog, keep it up, you are going to give Lindsay a run for her money....

BookMomma said...

Here via ST...

All I can say is Rusty Trumpet - um, blech!!!?? Very nasty. Who does that?

Great writing. Will check back for more!

Jerseygirl89 said...

I love Talk Sex. . .and I'll think you'll do a great job of it someday.

d34FpUpPy said...

lindsey which jelly baby do you wanna know about?heheheheheh

Carol Saha said...

Please tell me what a V-card is. Thanks. Came by way of Suburban Turmoil. Which I came to by way of Brazen Careerist and all that brou-ha-ha. Am lovin it.

liz said...

Your mom sent me! Congratulations on the new blog, I can see where your mom gets her great comedic sense!

Carol Saha said...

I added you to my google reader but the print is very light pastel colors and difficult for my almost 48 yr old eyes to read. Is that something you fix or I fix? Do you know anything about google reader?

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I'm afraid I do get the Rusty Trumpet. Ewwww!

Owens Family Adventures said...

Came over here by way of Suburban Turmoil and I gotta tell you that you remind me of a young hip Amy Sedaris!! Way to go!

Jen said...

Well..I have an 11 year old daughter and I found some words and definitions that could be good for me one day to know....keep them coming I'm learning from a 17 year old.

Amalia said...

I'm a high school English teacher - I know all of the terms and then some. Which is why I had to explain to my principal, red-faced, what "the shocker" was, and why it was an inappropriate name for a volleyball team (and thus announced over the intercom).
For the uneducated: The "shocker" is when you put your index and middle fingers into a girl's ... well, Oprah calls it a "vajayjay" and Oprah is never wrong, and your pinkie goes into ... well, the exit only area. I can't even TYPE it. Can you imagine having to tell your PRINCIPAL this stuff?!?

Funny stuff... kwwp it up!

the Photographer said...

Great writings, but I think (the older) people need to spend a little time on Urban Dictionary