Saturday, March 29, 2008

A Bad Ass Would Lick It

"I dare you to lick it."

"What?"

"I DARE you."

"To lick it?"

"I double DOG dare you."

"What are we, second graders?"

"I triple DOG dare you."

"HA! You think THAT'S going to the extreme, but there is one more you have forgotten..."

"I FIREBALL dare you."

"Shit."

"LICK IT."

Pondering silently, I looked to my left, then to my right. If I was going to lick it, I wanted to be sure no one would see. No one but the person across from me, that is. It would be a good conversation starter for the rest of the day. "Hey! Betcha won't guess what I licked today!" I like to be the conversation starter in a group, and this would DEFINITELY suffice. But there's no way I would give in that easily...then again, it's not like I could turn down the FIREBALL dare. I had a reputation on the line! Of course, that was back in elementary school...I am 17 years old now...was there a more mature way to handle this?

"I'll lick it if you lick it."

He smiled, stuck his tongue out, and LICKED IT. That was quick. Now it was my turn. Would I chicken out? Would I squeal and vomit? Would I regret it once I did it? With all these thoughts darting back and forth through the walls of my brain like a pinball machine (hope everyone enjoys the imagery there), I decided to recite a mantra.

"A bad ass would lick it...a bad ass would lick it...a bad ass would lick it..."

Okay, not exactly a decent mantra. But I'm not really the "mantra type of gal."

"YOU LICKED IT."

Shock factor. JUST what I wanted.

"Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear..."
(yeah right. as if ANYONE in high school speaks like that. sorry...)

"DUDE WHAT YOU BE LICKIN?"

"She just licked the sheep's heart."

"THE ONE WE CUTTIN UP?"

"Yeah."

Ahhhh...good ol' Disection Day. I will miss these days when I have entered the real world, where people don't get to put on rubber gloves and poke at animal organs once a month with a couple of their friends. (I always steal an extra pair of rubber gloves when we disect. You never know when you need a pair of form-fitting rubber gloves...) There is always that ONE kid who gets sick and sticks his head out the window the entire hour of class (which would make me feel self-concious because our class windows are very high up and so when that one kid sticks his head out the window, he is also sticking his ass into the air towards the rest of us. but who's ever going to tell him that?). That ONE kid who grabs the heart...liver...kidney...whatever organ is the special of the day, and somehow always manages to find a small flap that resembles a mouth and makes it talk. (always saying the same three things: 1. KISS ME AND I'LL TURN INTO A HUMAN. 2. FEED ME, SEYMOUR! 3. LUKE...I AM YOUR FATHER.") That ONE kid who constantly says throughtout the whole disection, "Wouldn't it be hilarious if I just chucked this thing right at the teach? Like, how HILARIOUS would that be? Pretty effin' hilarious! Dare me to do it? Come on, man, someone dare me to chuck this thing RIGHT in the teacher's face, cause that would be HILARIOUS." (okay, so it would be pretty hilarious, but this is the 50th dissection dude, and you've never chucked it at the teach.)

"MAYNNEE THAT'S STRAIGHT-UP JANKY!"

Janky indeed. But also BAD ASS. Sad to say that after belting out ballads with the word "heart" in them (which proved to be harder than we expected...so we just sang the Titanic song over and over again...and you know EXACTLY what song I'm talking about AND all the lyrics), nothing compared to the licking of the heart. People reacted in very different ways...

"Was it inside the sheep?"
Yes. We brought a live sheep into 4th period and then I stuck my head inside of it's body, found the heart with merely one of my five senses, licked it, pulled my head out, and my teacher gave me an A for effort.

"What did it taste like?!"
Licorice.
"Really?!"
NO.


"Yes. But did you bite it?"
As if licking it is sooooooo normal. They were just jealous they didn't think of licking the cold, dead heart covered in chemicals sitting on their lab table.

"One time I ate a chicken leg."
Yes. That would be a drumstick.

"No boy is ever going to want to kiss you if they know your tongue has been on a sheep's moldy heart."
First of all, Susie SLUT, no boy is ever going to want to kiss YOU once I tell them just how many organs YOUR tongue has been on. Second of all, hearts don't MOLD.

...but I knew what they all were really thinking deep down inside..."WHAT. A. BAD ASS."


13 comments:

Holly said...

Wow - you ARE a bad ass. And it's so true - someone always does make the cat/liver/frog say something stupid. Always. Your post cracked me up.

southerniguana said...

One of my high school classmates went through a phase where he licked everything. I occasionally bore my stepdaughter with the story about the time he licked my chemistry teacher. The poor woman was appalled and didn't quite know what to make of it. ahhhh.... good times....

Funny blog and good writing!

Suburban Turmoil said...

Sometimes I'm so proud of you.

Scarrlett78 said...

I am so glad I took basic Science in school... and to think I always thought I was a bad ass lol... love your stuff... keep it up!!!

Amalia said...

Oh. My. God. You are a frickin' RIOT! I read your step-mom's blog and linked over here from there. I'm definitely going to be a regular reader. Your description of licking the heart was awesome. I'm still laughing! I've always wanted to be a badass, and have always failed miserably. Thanks for letting me see what being a true badaass looks like!

~Amalia~

Karen said...

First,ew. Second, you are a bad ass! Third, I would have never ever never licked anything on dissection day. You are a great writer! Your step-mother was right =)

Skunkfeathers said...

*bows to the greater bad ass than moi at that age*

We did frogs. I didn't take the double fireball dare. I was not a bad ass ;)

And now -- at thrice your age -- if anything, I'm less likely to take any double-dog-fireball dare on much of anything. Unless I get a Geritol IV first...

You've a future at this, kiddo. Writing, that is. And licking sheep hearts, I guess...

Jane said...

you are a total bad ass! love your blog, sooooo funny!

~~Anesidora~~ said...

I love this blog! I linked over from Lindsey's and I am already addicted. I laughed out loud through this whole entry (and I am NOT the kind of person who laughs out loud more than four or five times in a year) and my man in the next room comes in and asks, "Are you all right?"

Keep going girl! I'm really loving this.

Nicola said...

Here from your step-mom's. Why I read your step-mom's blog as a 22 year old college student I don't know, but I'm addicted. Your post reminded me of my own honors adv bio experience junior year of hs (except ours was with whole cats--skinned and all) ... the slang words have changed slightly. :) That was 5 years ago now. I feel old.. noooo!!!

THO said...

Well. That does it. I'm never kissing you.

(yeah, you're welcome.)

Just Me said...

Wow. Back in college we dissected sheep brains in a neuropsychology class. We didn't have enough opportunity to come back and study them, in my partner's eyes at least, so we snuck the thing into my backpack. I stored it under my bed.

The problem was that I was never totally sure where to dispose of it so it was down there for an entire year.

I always wondered if the professor noticed.

savannah said...

hahaha! that was so funny. i don't know why you made me a he in this...but i totally licked the heart with you.