Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do?

A million people said it. A million people sang it. Breaking up is what? Hard to do.

Bull. SHIT!

Little Eva obviously had never had a boyfriend. At least not one in high school. Here's how the typical break-up goes for the teenage female and teenage male:

"Fuck you."


Ahem. Does that seem hard, Carpenters? Maybe it's just me, but I found that to appear incredibly easy. I've been putting someone's needs before my own while also soothing the rug burns on my knees for the past 2 years, and all I had to do this entire time to bring it to a halt was to say two words? Fuck? You? That's it? If only I had known that from the beginning!

Instead of the:

"I'm sorry, I just don't want a boyfriend anymore. It's been a really long time since I've been single and I just want to feel what it's like again; I can't deal with commitment. I don't know how; I'm just not ready for it yet."

A.K.A. "I'm a big slut and one penis just doesn't satisfy me. I need them all!"

Easy Way Out: "Fuck you!"

Instead of the:

"I've met someone else. I'm sorry. I do love you, and I've always loved you, but with this other person...it's more than love, it's fate. It's a connection me and you will never have. We'll be happy together, but something will always be missing. I'm sorry, you will find your soul mate one day, too."

A.K.A. "I'm not only a dick for breaking up with you and being honest about it, I'm also a dick for going on and on and on about some other chick who I'll have in the sack by tomorrow."

Easy Way Out: "Fuck you!"

The best part about the "fuck you" approach is that you can always add some personal flair to it to make it you own.


1. Fuck you fucker.
2. Fuck you wait I won't be doing that anymore.
3. Fuck you one last time? Please?
4. Fuck you and your dad! Wait...that came out wrong...I'm just really angry right now...fuck.
5. Fuck who? YOU.

And, from my own personal experience,

"Fuck you
and your movies."

Ahhh. Classic. For any of you wondering, no, I did not fuck my movies. I watched my movies. They were wonderful. And, thanks to me, still virgins.

Breaking up really isn't that hard to do. It's us teenagers, man. We didn't learn how to call it quits in Anatomy class, all we learned to do was check our breasts for giant lumps. To us, all it takes is an exclamation of profanity, or you could just stop answering the bitch's phone calls, or name your balls Louis and Clark and go explore a jungle or two.
Everyone's break-up stories seem to be exactly the same. And the ones who have been together forever are always asked the same things.

"How long have you been together?"

A.K.A. Have you done it yet?

"Wow, you're been together a long time!"

A.K.A. Which only means they're gonna break up sooner!

"Oh, you wanna marry each other?"


"Oh, I'm not invited to the wedding?"


"Oh, you want me to leave?"


The "F-you" approach doesn't work in all situations
kiddoes, so don't try this at home. Only try it if you've been stuck with the same dude/chick for the past few months/years and you don't know how the hell to end it. You're happy, but you could be happier. You're IN love, but you don't LOVE them. Shit, or is it the other way around? I just want to know when exactly we all start maturing. I mean at what age will, "It's not you, it's me" be unacceptable? Or is that still being used? Is there some 57-year-old knitting in a corn field as her husband plows shit or whatever it is old people are doin' these days, and she's turning to him and saying, "FUCK YOU!" and then walking out on him? Poor man. Poor woman. Who wants to knit in this heat? I don't think that's how break-up's should be when we're older. We want the truth. We want the clean mouths. We want the word "fuck" to be associated with the beginning of a relationship, not the end. I JUST NEED ANSWERS, PEOPLE. I need to know if break-up's stay the same. And if that's what the song means, "breaking up is hard to do," then how much harder do they get? Sure, they're easy now, but they're also annoying as hell and don't really resolve anything except letting you know all those things you doubted doing in the first place should have never been done. Little fuckhead. In my opinion, it doesn't matter how you go about doing it. It's about the big picture, the end. You want the end and as long as you reach it who the hell cares what train you took to get to it. As long as you get your movies back.

No comments: