Monday, August 10, 2009

Lollipop Land

"Natasha, today I need you to go to the bank and deposit that check you got in the mail."

" that the drive-thru thing..."

"Yes. The drive-thru."


Debating on whether or not I should ask just how I go about doing that.


Stalling and debating are very difficult tasks to do simultaneously.

"OkAY doKAY..."

Stalling and debating and thinking of more ways I can say "ok" are extremely difficult to do simutaneously.

"OkEY doKEY..."

I can do it. I think I can. Wait...who was it who thought they could and then they did...


The little engine that could, that's who! Okay I can do this.

"Natasha, do you know how to do it?"

"Dad, DUH. Pssh, please. I'm a COLLEGE student now."

"Okay see ya later kiddo."

Kiddo. Psshh. Please. More like adultO. I got this, man. I GOT this. How hard can it be to make a deposit?

So I head on over to the bank. What I think is my bank, anyway. This is what happens when you've never had a debit card in your life. You don't know shit. I pull up to the drive-thru thing. The only slot there is for the debit card. Excuse me, MY debit card. No slot for this check I have to cash. Do I stick the check in there somehow? I examine the slot. No...I don't think so. Maybe I can just put it in that other then it would just sit there and that wouldn't give me least I don't think that's how I get money...WAIT.

I drive around to the other side of the bank, the place I have always known as That Place I Get Free Lollipops. But now, Lollipop Land has been conquered by College County and after 18 years I finally realize that this isn't a drive-thru for solely lollipops. THIS is where I need to be.


I'm such a dumbass.

So I drive up and sit. Do I press a button? I look at my options.





This is what happens when you've never had a job in your life and therefore have never trekked it to the bank. You don't know shit.

I press CALL.

"I'll be with you in just a minute, ma'am."

I'm such a dumbass!

So I sit some more. Sweating. It happens. Summer...heat...I'm wearing pants and a long-sleeved sweater...

...I know what you're thinking. What a dumbass.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. I hope they give me a lollipop...

"Hello, what can I do for you today, ma'am?"

Hear that, Pops? I'm a MA'AM now. No kiddo, MA'AM. M-A-A-M.

"Yes, I'd like to make a deposit."

Ooh, I sound so professional!


Okay? What does that even mean! "Okay?" That's it? I'm screwed. What was I thinking, coming here to this foreign land I once knew as a child and expecting them to remember me and help me and give me free candy and now I'm stuck here and there's no escape WAIT.

There was something said...something he told me...before I embarked on this dangerous adventure, the wise man told me I MUST remember one thing...don't forget he said...don't forget...

"The check."

Ah! Yes! The check, of course!


I put the check in the Magic Glass and press, "SEND."

And then I wait.

And wait.

I'm still waiting.

Patience is the dumbest virtue ever.

Someone told me it's not even a virtue; it's just commonly mistaken for one.

"Hello, how can I help you today?"

What is this, some sort of spell? Have I been sent back into time somehow? They can't fool me!

"Uh yeah I just sent a check up...I'm making a deposit into my account."

Account. Look at me using The Bank Lingo and all. I'm such a natural.

"Miss Ferrier, I'm sending you a deposit slip you'll need to fill out for me, please."

The wise old man told me something about a deposit slip...what was it...he handed it to me, I know...I remember the look in his eyes when he gave it to me...but what was it he said...

"Take this to them."

Oh how could I forget!

...cause I'm a dumbass.

I take out the slip she sent me and send the original back up. I wonder if by doing this I just made her doubt her sanity, knowing the slip she sent me was much different than the one she got back, or wondering how the hell I filled that thing out so fuckin' fast.

Waiting. Again. I've waited like 3 times in the past 10 minutes that's got to be a record.

Eight minutes later.

"Is there anything else I can do for you, Miss Ferrier?"

"Nope! That's it!"

Why did she ask me that? Is there something I've forgotten? Do people usually do more when they come to these places? Did the wise man leave the most important piece of advice out just to test my instincts? Did WAIT.

Am I supposed to leave now? debate with myself is soon interrupted.

"Would you like me to send you a receipt of your deposit, Miss Ferrier."

"Yes! Yes, that is exactly what I was waiting for! Sorry, thought I mentioned it earlier!"

...dumbass dumbass dumbass.

I get the receipt. I drive away, and as I'm driving off into the sunset, I realize I forgot one thing: THE LOLLIPOP.


1 comment:

Doodaddy said...

It's quite fun in such situations to tell people, "I'm sorry, this is my first time."

Even if it's not... I do it all the time.