Friday, August 28, 2009

Confessions Part I

These are my confessions.

If that statement made any of you think of Usher, do not be ashamed. (Even though that was back in the day and you're obviously living in the past because as far as I can tell Usher's 8-pack is 8-years-old and you need to seriously move on with your life and introduce yourself to a little thing called the NOW.) But don't be ashamed.

I've decided that the easiest way to confess these is to make a list. I have changed the names, but if you were a victim of any past-mean-for-no-reason-moments that I suffered from, you know who you are. And I am deeply sorry. That is why I have chosen to broadcast these moments via internet where everyone can read and feel bad for your sorry ass and then laugh at that same ass of yours that gets sorrier by the minute, instead of just calling you up and sincerely apologizing. Because it's just not as funny when you actually mean it.

Now, before you read this, please keep in mind that I am a different person now. All of the confessions you are about to read happened in either 7th or 8th grade. These were the middle school days, the days before heartbreak and insecurity and Pre-Calculus. These were the happy days, the days you could get away with being a bitch. If you think carefully, this was around the time that the movie, "Mean Girls" came out. I was an easily influenced 14-year-old who thought Lindsay Lohan was the shit. I now realize that she has serious problems. And giant breasts on a little body.

1. Betty, I am sorry.
I am sorry for hanging out with you everyday for 2 years straight and then randomly deciding one day to tell about 12 or 13 people that the reason you were out of school with mono is because you were a lesbian. I am sorry that the 12 or 13 people I decided to tell this to were on the other side of the cafeteria when I told them. I did not know other people would hear me when I screamed it. The thought never occurred to me. I am sorry.

2. Tanya, I am sorry.
I am sorry for telling everyone that the reason you were out with mono is because you made out with Betty because you, too, were a lesbian. I do realize that I didn't even know you at the time; I just knew you had mono. I am sorry.

3. James, I am sorry.
I am sorry for walking with you that one day after Art class. I did not know you were going to ask me to be your girlfriend. I also did not know that my immediate reaction would be to start laughing in your face. I did not mean to laugh in your face. I also did not mean to continue to laugh for the next 4 minutes as you patiently waited for me to stop laughing. I am sorry that I never did stop laughing. I laugh when I'm nervous. I am sorry you eventually walked away before I stopped laughing and got a chance to say, "No." I am sorry.

4. Nicholas, I am sorry.
I am sorry that the first time we slow danced I wouldn't look at your face. I am sorry that when you asked me to please look at your face I said no. I am sorry that by keeping my head down the entire time we slow danced it seemed like I was choosing to look at your crotch instead of your face. These were not my intentions. Your crotch had not even crossed my mind. I just felt awkward looking at your face. I am sorry that I told you I felt awkward looking at your face. I am sorry.

5. Cole, I am sorry.
I am sorry that I put a bunch of bath beads in a Ziploc bag and asked you if you wanted to try this new type of fruit snack my mom got. I'm sorry you started gagging and foaming at the mouth. I'm sorry.

6. Miles, I am sorry.
I am sorry that I ever asked you to be my boyfriend. I am sorry that I tried to take matters into my own hands instead of waiting around for fucking EVER for you to ask me out when I knew you liked me back, and so I called you up and asked you myself. I'm sorry I'm impatient like that. I'm sorry that you said yes only to pretend the very next day that the conversation had never happened. I'm sorry that I got all dressed up for school the next day and walked up to you and said 'hey!' only for you to walk away and then deny being my boyfriend while I told everyone how excited I was to finally be your girlfriend. I'm sorry you're a little fucker who's gonna burn in hell for what you did to me, you sack of shit. I'm very, very sorry.

7. Natasha, I am sorry.
I'm sorry you were a TOTAL BITCH. I'm sorry.

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