Monday, May 20, 2013

A Borderline Bum

Within just a matter of days, I lost the following:

1. My car
2. My electricity
3. My phone

How I Lost My Car

My phone rings. I answer.


"Yer gunna wanna call yer daddy."

"Excuse me?"

"Yer gunna wanna call yer daddy."

"I'm sorry, my...daddy? Who is this?"

"Oh, sorry, ma'am. This is Jimbo from the auto shop. Yer engine's got a hole in it the size of a softball."

"How much would a new engine be?"

"Around 3,000 dollars."


"So yer gunna wanna call yer daddy."

So then I called my "daddy."


"I already heard."

"So this means..."

"You have no car."


"You're going to have to start saving up."


"And sell your car."


"I found a guy who will buy it for 250."


"That's all it's worth."

"BLEH okay."

So then the guy comes to buy my car.

"This isn't worth 250."


"I can give you 100."

So then I have 100 dollars and no car.

How I Lost My Electricity

Lalalala typing typing typing facebook lalalalala ---


Everything turns off. My computer dies, the lights fade, and my fridge turns into a dark abyss. I had stocked my fridge with groceries three minutes before this happened, and it had been three years since I had even bothered to buy groceries. Not to mention that everything I bought was something that would spoil and smell: cheese, milk, and cottage cheese. I make a phone call and am told my power will be back on in two hours.

That was four days ago.

How I Lost My Phone

I had it, then I didn't. That's about it.

How I Am Getting By Without Any of These Things

I'm not.

Currently, I am walking everywhere. This will do until it rains, or until someone jumps me. I'd call for someone to give me a ride, but I have no phone. I'd message someone on facebook to give me a ride, but I have no internet access because I have no power in my home. I'm forced to haul most of my belongings in a backpack around town until I gain back ONE of the three things I lost. "Backpacking across Europe" may sound romantic, but "backpacking across dark alleyways" is just terrifying. If only I were a large man. But oh yeah, I'M NOT. I'm more of a borderline bum.

Who said, "Money can't buy happiness?" No, really, who? What kind of credibility does this anonymous person have? Why are we trusting their wisdom? They're obviously WRONG. Money could buy me a car, which allows me to drive to hang out with my friends, which makes me happy. Money could buy me a phone, which allows me to talk to my family, which makes me happy. Money could pay my electric bill, which allows me to be able to SEE, which makes me happy. So quit quoting no-name and start quoting me, instead. Natasha Ferrier says money CAN buy you happiness, and she's damn right.

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