Friday, May 24, 2013

The Mole Rat Isn't the Only One Naked

Random Thoughts After Staring at the Holes in My Shoes for Twenty Minutes

Thought #1

I need new shoes.

Thought #2

Dear Jellyfish,

You could have at LEAST stung somewhere my piss could reach. Fucker.

Natasha's ass

Thought #3

Bruce Banner gets angry and turns into the Hulk. Mogwais eat after midnight and turn into Gremlins. Kramer gets on stage and turns into a racist. I drink liquor and turn into a retirement home patient. You know, the ones that need diapers and trackers on their ankles for when they roam off and forget what they're doing.

"What are you doing?"

"What? I'm know, standing outside."

"It's three in the morning. You're in the middle of the parking lot."

"This is what I DO."


"You just need to ACCEPT IT."

"This is what you do? What are you talking about?"

"I like to be outside."

"We were upstairs and then you disappeared forEVER."

"Yeah, I'm OUTSIDE."

"But you were just in the kitchen and as soon as I came down there, you sprinted out the front door."

"It's what I DO. This is who I AM."

This is when I realized three things: a) I'm wasted, b) I have no shoes on, c) I'd already forgotten the first two things I realized. 

I do remember this event taking place, I just don't remember why. One minute I was upstairs, then I decided to roam the apartment. I stood in the kitchen for quite some time. Nothing took place there. Just me. Standing. I'm sure a wall was stared at. I heard footsteps, and for some reason I decided I needed to sprint out the front door, run down the stairs, and then stop in the middle of the parking lot. I heard footsteps follow my path and then told myself to look natural. So I looked up at the sky and froze.  "How is that natural, Natasha, you're in the middle of the---" YEAH I FUCKING KNOW, ALRIGHT? At the time, it seemed perfectly natural to freeze-frame myself. At the time, it seemed perfectly natural to be in the middle of the parking lot staring at a starless sky. At the time, it seemed perfectly natural to tell someone that running around parked cars at three in the morning is "what I do." Then the morning came.

"Soo...why did you flee the apartment last night? And what were you doing in the kitchen?"

This is really all I could do at that point.

"You told me it's what you do and I need to accept---"

"I KNOW I KNOW. Please don't repeat it. It's embarrassing. It's so embarrassing. SO embarrassing. I was like Victor."


"Victor. Some kid in France who emerged from the woods one day on all fours. Never raised by a human. He didn't know any language. He was like an animal. I was like him. Just running around like a...feral child."

"Wait, so you were out there looking for Victor?"

"NO! I was Victor."

"You thought you were Victor?"

"NO! I was just acting like him."

"You were pretending to be Victor?"

"I have no idea what I was doing, honestly."

"Neither do I."

"Just for the record - it's not "what I do." I never do that. Ever. It's not "my thing" or whatever. I don't know why I said that. Ugh. This is just embarrassing."

I'm not even going to get into the diapers thing.

Thought #4

I never keep up with the news. As a college student, I've decided that this is an intellectual mistake and I should start caring more about my country. So today, I explored the headlines spanned across Yahoo's news section to learn more about the current events of our world and the crucial matters of our existing human race.

"Kristin Stewart Hung Out at Taylor Swift's Home With Mutual Friends"

Someone hung out in a house? With friends? Well, shit! I do this everyday! What a RARE fucking coincidence! Did she urinate, too? Eat? Drink? Breathe? PLEASE. I MUST KNOW.

"What The 'Check Engine' Warning Light Means"

Silly me! All this time, I've been thinking the 'check engine' light meant to check the engine!

"Plane Debris Falls on Georgia Woman's House, Walmart"

I'm a little confused. Does this woman live in Walmart?

"Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston Are "Very Good Friends," Says Pal"

Always trust Pal. He knows what he's talking about.

"Selena Gomez Goes Without Makeup, Shows Lighter Hair Color"

I can't take this anymore. It's all too overwhelming. Debt, war, shooting, and hair becoming lighter? WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO. Answer me, Pal. You're the only one with any trustworthy credibility here.

Thought #5

For those of us who watched Kim Possible on the Disney Channel, I'm about to blow your mind.

Remember this cute little guy?

This is him in real life.





And that's enough with that.

By the way, the mole rat isn't the only one naked. If you'd like to see any Kim Possible pornography, just go to Google images and type in, "naked mole rat kim possible." You'll never look at her the same way again. This always happens with adolescent stars. It's a shame, really. One minute - family sitcom, the next minute - topless photos. Who would have ever thought she'd go from "call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me" to "call me, beep me, if you wanna fuck me." It's so sad. I'd show you the pictures now, but I'm trying to avoid the porn industry lately. It's not good for my reputation, says Pal.

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