This is scabies.
These are survivors.
This is me being drunk and alone in my room.
I was going to show you a picture of the side effects of a scabies attack, but Google images took me for yet another thrill ride when I searched for that topic. Just imagine a penis covered in chicken pox. Or a naked old woman with the measles. Or just google "scabies" and see for yourself. Google should really change their name to, "Gutter."
It all started with a few little red bumps that appeared on my friend's hand.
"I think I got an allergic reaction from Leeloo," she told me.
"Are you allergic to cats?"
"No, but has she gotten her shots?"
"Well, no, but..."
"You should get her shots taken care of."
"Yeah, but she's never around other animals."
"There are other animals outside."
"Yeah, but she's an indoor cat."
"She could still catch something."
"Yeah, but I'm broke."
"Well these bumps appeared after I was petting her."
"I don't have any bumps, though."
"I don't know. Scott says it's scabies."
"Says it's what?"
"Scabies."
"What's scabies?"
"It's not scabies."
"Okay, but what IS scabies?"
"Some bug that buries itself in your skin and has babies in it."
"Scabies babies?"
"It's not scabies. I really think it came from your cat."
"Well, why did Scott say it was scabies?"
"Because he has the same bumps, so he looked up what they could be, and apparently it's scabies. But it's not scabies."
"But Scott hasn't been around my cat. How would the both of you get it?"
"Maybe I gave it to him."
"Who had it first?"
"He did."
"..."
"I'm going to the doctor tomorrow."
The Next Day
"The doctor said it's scabies!"
"Scabies?!"
"Scabies!"
The Next Next Day
"How're your scabies doing?"
"Well the bumps are spreading and they itch really bad, but the doctor gave me this cream that's helping a lot. And it's supposed to make them all go away in about a month."
"Oh, well that's good."
"Yeah, I'm just worried that Ethan will get it now."
"Why's that?"
"Well we're always over at his place and it's highly contagious."
"Highly contagious?!"
"Yeah, like really contagious. And with women, the bumps appear on the hand, but with men, they're prone to attack the penis."
"The penis?"
"Yeah, Scott said he has them all over his."
"Scabies dick...ew."
One Week Later at Taco Bell with Myself and Three Uninfected Friends
"Hey guys, Sarah has scabies."
"WHAT?!"
"Yeah."
"Wait, what's scabies?"
"These bugs that bury themselves in your skin and make you break out. It's really itchy."
"Is it contagious?"
"Apparently it's highly contagious."
"But she's been at me and Ethan's apartment all week!"
"We've all been at your apartment all week."
"She was sitting on the couch!"
"She was using the blankets!"
"Well, it's just on her hands..."
"She was playing beer pong!"
"BEER PONG!"
"Dipping her hands in the cups of water!"
"And tossing the ball!"
"Into our cups of water!"
"FUCK!"
"Guys, I'm starting to itch."
"Yeah, what's this? Do you guys see this? Is that a red bump on my hand?"
"That's a freckle."
"No, I think it's scabies."
"I'm starting to itch now, too."
"This isn't a freckle."
"It could be scabies."
"We could all have scabies right now."
"Guys, we don't have scabies. Only Sarah has it. And she's been around Ethan for a week, and he doesn't have it.
My phone buzzes with a new text message from Sarah.
ETHAN HAS SCABIES
"Nevermind, guys. Ethan has scabies. Sarah just texted me."
"They BOTH have scabies now?"
"Yep."
My phone buzzes with another text from Sarah.
HEY DON'T TELL ANYONE I HAVE SCABIES.
"She just told me not to tell anyone she has scabies."
"You just told us."
"I know."
"But we needed to know."
"I know."
"WHERE AM I GOING TO SLEEP?"
"Dude, sleep at my place."
"I MAY ALREADY BE INFECTED."
"No one has scabies."
"Sarah and Ethan do."
"Okay, but none of us have scabies."
"Well hopefully I don't have it, because I just started hanging out with you guys like two days ago."
"Yeah, sorry about this."
"Welcome to the group, Jane."
"It's part of our initiation."
"If you can survive the scabies, you can hang out with us."
"NONE OF US HAVE SCABIES."
"I'm still itching."
"You wouldn't even get it on your hands. You're a guy."
"Then where would I get it?"
"On your penis."
"WHAT?"
"You may want to check on that later."
"OH MY GOD IT'S ITCHING."
"It is not itching."
"NO, NO, I THINK IT'S ITCHING."
"How do you get rid of them?"
"I don't know. Sarah got cream from her doctor, but that's for the scabies she has. I don't know how to get rid of the ones in the blankets and stuff. That's where they come from."
"THEY'RE IN MY BED?"
"I'm not the one with scabies!"
"YEAH BUT YOU WERE HUGGING SARAH LAST NIGHT."
"Oh yeah. I did do that."
"YOU HAVE SCABIES."
"I do not have scabies!"
"WE COULD ALL HAVE SCABIES."
"I'm looking this up right now."
"Okay, do it."
"EW!"
"What?! What?!"
"DON'T LOOK THIS UP."
"Did you see a scabies dick?"
"YES."
"Okay, but how do we get rid of them?"
"Hot air. Put all your sheets and stuff in the dryer."
"What about my COUCH?"
"Put it in the dryer?"
"WE'RE ALL GONNA GET SCABIES."
"No we are not."
"BEER PONG."
"Oh yeah..."
"WE'RE DOOMED."
"Wait, so...scabies: yay or nay?"
"IT'S NOT FUNNY, NATASHA."
A Few Weeks Later
"My scabies are gone!"
"Yay! What about Ethan?"
"His are gone, too!"
"Yay! I can't believe none of the rest of us got it."
"I know! I'm glad you guys didn't get it! It's so embarrassing."
"Oh, don't be embarrassed, Sarah. It's not your fault. I had shingles once, if it makes you feel any better."
"I just feel better that I don't have to deal with it anymore. And that you guys never got it."
"Me too. Me too."
A Few More Weeks Later
"My hands itch."
"Mosquito bites?"
"No, a few more scabies came back, I think."
"What?"
To be continued...
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