Remember when I told you that bad things happen to me in numbers? Well, it doesn't really matter if you remember or not, because I just reminded you. Be kind rewind.
This was one of those times. AGAIN.
Three friends and I (three of my friends, just to clarify. Not three friends and then I just happened to be there) were sitting in the living room debating on whether we should go out or not.
"So are we going out?"
"I don't know, should we?"
"What are we doing?"
"I don't know, did you guys wanna go out?"
"I want to go out."
"Yeah, me too."
"So you did or you did not want to go out?"
"I mean, I want to."
"So are we..."
"Yeah, let's go."
After a two-hour debate, we finally decided it was time to go to a party. Then came the second debate.
"Who's car are we taking?"
"I'm too drunk to drive."
"Yeah, me too."
"I've had one beer, I'll drive," I offered.
"Do you have gas?"
After the four of us climbed into my car, I started the engine.
"That does NOT sound good."
"It just started doing that though when I drove over here."
"What is that noise?"
"I don't know but it's running fine."
"Your car is shaking."
"I mean, it's really shaking---"
You know when you drive over piles and piles of bricks? That is what it felt like.
Okay, so that was a horrible analogy. Who drives over piles and piles of bricks? Nobody. Let me try this again.
You know when you go to get a massage, but then the masseuse just grabs your body and starts shaking it violently back and forth and you kind of want your money back because this is not exactly what you were expecting but---you know what, fuck the analogy. THE CAR WAS SEIZING, ALRIGHT?
Despite the fact that my Volvo had just transformed into a giant vibrator, I got onto the freeway. This was my first mistake.
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON!"
"Is this as fast as you can go?"
I kept pushing the gas pedal, but my car would not accelerate any faster than thirty miles per hour.
"This is not good!"
"You need to pull over now! Now, right here! Pull onto the shoulder!"
"WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT!"
"AND now there's no more shoulder. Cause you passed it."
"BUT WE'RE STILL GOIN'!"
"We're not gonna make it!"
"Turn around! Turn around!"
"I CAN'T! WE WON'T MAKE IT IF I DO!"
"Red light, red light!"
"I CAN'T STOP!"
"You just ran a red light!"
"I HAD TO!"
"There are so many cops out tonight!"
"But we're not!"
"ANOTHER RED LIGHT!"
"NO! MY GAS ISN'T WORKING! I CAN'T STOP OR WE'LL BE STUCK!"
"Don't run it!"
"I HAVE TO!"
"Just drive slow to give it time to change to green before we get to it!"
"Come on, Vincent, you can make it!"
"HE'S BEEN FAITHFUL TO ME ALL THESE YEARS! HE CAN'T QUIT ME NOW!"
"IT'S STILL RED!"
"We're so close to the party!"
"And to your house!"
"Uh...how are we gonna get back?"
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!"
"I'M RUNNING IT!"
"CINCO DE MAYO!"
"Don't do it!"
"I HAVE TO! I ---"
And then my car died. In the middle of an intersection. For the second time this week.
"WE'RE PUSHIN' IT!"
"UP THE HILL!"
Everybody hopped out, two in the back and two in the front, as we began to push it. Salt and Pepa would have been proud.
"I CAN'T DO THIS!"
"I'M ABOUT TO PUKE!"
"WHY DID I JUST CHUG THAT BEER!"
We turned left and continued up the hill, eventually turning right where a line of parking meters welcomed us. After getting the car in a place where it did not block ten different lanes, we called for a rescue ride.
"Hey...can you come get us? ... We're downtown ... Sorry it's one in the morning ... Natasha's car died ... Okay, thank you ... See you soon."
"CINCO DE MAYO!" I shouted, to no one's amusement.
"I feel sick," said one.
"My arms..." said another.
The third one just walked off and disappeared.
"You guys," I said, "This went as smoothly as it could have gone, considering the circumstances. My car COULD have died on the freeway. We COULD have gotten pulled over. It COULD have refused to go into neutral, so we COULD have been stranded in the center of a busy downtown intersection."
They nodded in agreement and fifteen minutes later, our ride came to save us. You think this is the end of the story, don't you? DUMBASS. I apologize. It's probably not the best idea to call my readers "dumbasses." Let's just say this: don't worry. I wasn't directing that at you. It was toward that other one.
The next afternoon, my other savior drove me to my car so I could jump start it.
"Hey! I didn't get a ticket!"
"Do you wanna fill up that gas tank first just in case it's on empty?"
"Yeah, there's a gas station just around the corner."
Three minutes later.
"I GOT A TICKET?!"
"That sucks! We were only gone for a few minutes!"
"FUCK THIS DAY."
I filled up my car, popped the hood, hooked the cable thingies, and waited. After a few minutes, it was time to give it a go.
"Wanna try again?"
After a few more attempts, it was time to give up. My car was still violently shaking and it wouldn't stay on. Triple A to the rescue! The guy arrived in ten minutes to tow my car to the shop.
"Want me to follow you there?" my friend offered.
"No, you've done enough. I can just ride with the tow guy. The shop is just around the corner and they'll fix my car and everything will be fine!"
Then we get to the shop. Tow Man drops me off and drives away. I walk up to the front door of the auto place.
And it's closed.
IT'S FUCKING CLOSED.
And then it begins to rain.
After sitting in my car for thirty minutes cursing my life, I grab my backpack and my laptop and gear up for the thirty minute walk that lay ahead of me. And now, here I am. Sitting in a coffee shop. Writing. Because that's how dedicated I am to you. And because I really have no other choice.
CINCO DE MAYO!