Monday, May 6, 2013

The Flip Phone Community

"Is that a flip phone?"

I turned around to face one of my co-workers, who was giggling way too much at my communication device.


"I haven't seen one of these in FOREVER!"
She continued to laugh. I continued to stare. My phone continued to flip. This was one of those times when you could yell out, "Wal-Mart" and everything would be explained.

So that's exactly what I did.

And it worked, because she snickered away to go make fun of someone else's poverty.

"Is that a cardboard box? I haven't seen someone sleep in one of those in FOREVER!"

"Are those food stamps? I haven't seen someone use those in FOREVER!"

"Is that a brain? I haven't used one of those in FOREVER!"

While I always defend my At&t Samsung Socializer (more commonly known as A.S.S.), I do have one complaint. 

Why My A.S.S. Sucks

I have no sent folder.

THIS - is a serious problem. I tend to write long, elaborate texts, and I had grown into the habit of going back and rereading what I just sent as soon as I sent it. One, to remember what tangent I just went on and two, because I'm cocky and amused by my own writing. 

"Oh, Natasha! You are just hilarious!"
I don't really think like this. Okay, I kind of do. But at least I admit it. If the human race died out and I was the last person on the planet, at least I could text myself.

This is a small complaint compared to the other dilemma regarding my lack of a sent folder. Any twenty-something should already know where I'm going with this.

Drunk texts.

Let me say that I rarely bring my phone with me when I've been drinking. I'm already WITH the people I want to be with, so what's the point of talking to anyone else? Unless I drink alone, which I never do anymore because of THAT ONE TIME when I thought I was typing someone's name into the SEARCH BAR and instead made it my STATUS UPDATE. For example:

How are you feeling, Natasha?

Ned Osbourne.

Let's not mention that this person was a boy I had feelings for five years ago. Shit, I just mentioned it. At least the experience stopped me from drinking alone and also led me to come up with THIS INGENIOUS IDEA.

I'm feeling a little awkward now. Let's continue.

I need a sent folder for the moments I black out and text people. Who did I text? What did I text? Did it make sense? After six months of growing used to never knowing the answers to these questions, I discovered something yesterday.

I have a sent folder.

I scanned through about four texts before clicking "delete all" and then trying to delete the sent folder altogether. You would do the same thing if this is what you saw:

  • Stop
Stop? Stop what? Stop MYSELF, obviously.

  • Hey what is the Japanese phrase that means vomit?
Nevermind the vomit factor - I don't know anyone who speaks Japanese.

  • Baby hanging station
I cannot imagine what text I got to make me respond like this. Except maybe, "Hey, where can I hang my baby?" which no one asked me, ever.
  • College visits for their Indian kids - you have fifteen years to think it over
I gave someone fifteen years to think something over? That's way too long of a time to give anyone. And think WHAT over? College visits for their Indian kids? What Indian kids? WHAT THE FUCK AM I TALKING ABOUT. 

If I can't even handle a sent folder, then I sure as hell can't handle a fancy phone (I believe they're called "smart phones" but I've been calling them "fancy phones" for so long now that I can't conform. Also, that technically deems my phone a "dumb phone," which is just rude to the flip phone community). Can you imagine if I added things like pictures to my words? BABY HANGING STATION? No, I can't handle it. I shall remain faithful to Flipper forever. And never check my sent folder again.

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