Blame it on the Sobriety

My friends and I ventured to a party recently after agreeing we would all stay sober. I think the only times we talk about staying sober is when we're drunk, so it was already an accomplishment that the decision to remain sober had been made soberly.

Benefits to Remaining Sober in a Social Situation

1. Save money
2. Neck exercise from excessive head nodding
3. Hands fit more comfortably in pockets than ever before

We found ourselves being the only three people on the couch, as well as the only three people inside, not to mention the only three people sober.

"Should we go outside where everyone else is?"

"I guess so."

"Or we could stay in here."

"I don't really care."

"TEQUILA!"

"They're shouting 'tequila.'"

"Yeah, I heard that."

"I guess we'll go out---"

"TEQUILA!"

"---there."

"Alright."

We then found ourselves being the only three people in the corner of the porch, but at least we were among everyone else. People would come over every now and then to chat, but after realizing that we were not in a slurring mood, eventually wandered off to find louder people. A couple people did stay and chat after we migrated to the patio chairs and, after mocking me for drinking coffee, struck up an interesting conversation.

"I work with a girl named Aronjaloe."

"Aronjaloe?"

"Yeah, but guess how it's spelled."

"A...R..."

"No. O-R-A-N-G-E-J-E-L-L-O."

"Orange Jello?"

"Aronjaloe."

"Orange Jello."

"Yes."

"Wow."

"And I met a girl once whose name was Abeesity."

"Abeesity? Like obesity with an A?"

"No, like ABCD."

"I GET IT!"

"Yeah."

"Well, I knew a guy named Sheetheed. He was Indian."

"It was spelled like Shithead, wasn't it?"

"Yep."

"One more! One more! I know a girl named Leah."

"That's not that interesting."

"Yeah, but it's spelled like La-a."

"That's kinda interesting."

"But not as interesting as Orange Jello."

"Yeah, you should have saved that one for last."

"FREE EVERCLEAR! WHO WANTS IT?"

"You've got to be kidding me."

"ANYBODY? ANYBODY?"

"The one fucking time I decide to stay sober."

"NOBODY? SERIOUSLY?"

"The one fucking time someone offers me free vodka. God fuck."

"LAST CALL! FREE LIQUOR! WHOLE HANDLE!"

"Is 'Free Liquor' also a person's name? Like, that girl named Free Liquor just arrived?"

"That's not funny."

"Blame it on the alcohol."

"You're not drinking."

"Blame it on the sobriety."

"Blame the sobriety on the alcohol."

"What?"

"NEVERMIND."

We drank the next night.