Thursday, June 13, 2013

Mat Muncher

A Haiku About the Time My Sister Convinced Me to Go to Yoga with Her After Telling Me it Was Just a Thirty-Minute Beginner's Class

My sister, you lied.
A two-hour advanced class?
Vagina: ruined.

The conversation had started out just fine.

"Natasha, come to yoga with me."


If it had ended there, I would have still had functioning legs. My sister did not take this into account as she continued to press me.

"Please, Natasha, please."

"Absolutely not."

"You ALWAYS say you'll come to yoga with me, and then you never do."

"Because I'm ALWAYS working."

"What are you doing right now?"

"Alphabetizing my old Pokemon cards."



"This is fucked up."


"You promised. On your next day off. You'd come to yoga with me."

"Katrina, there's no way I can do yoga. I am in no shape for that. I can barely sit Indian style."

"You're being dramatic."

"Criss cross apple CRAMP."


"I'm not even dressed for yoga."

"You have a whole hour to get ready."

"I don't know what to wear."


"I don't have any clean shorts."

"Dirty shorts."


"Sweat pants."

"Won't that get hot?"

"It's just a 30-minute class."

"You know how I sweat."


"Well, you do."

"But it's just a beginner's class, so it's not going to be difficult."

"Are you sure?"

"Definitely. It will mostly be breathing exercises and stuff. Just simple stretches."

"Ugh. Fine."


"Yeah, fine. Whatever."

An hour later, we are at the YMCA in a room with mirrors for walls. It was bad enough that I had no idea how to prepare myself; it was even worse that I had myself as a distraction.

"Natasha, quit looking at yourself and grab a yoga mat."


"Over there."


"Are you looking at yourself again?"


"Jesus, Natasha. Here, take this one."

"Should I take my shoes off?"

"It's up to you."

"Do other people take their shoes off?"

"Yeah, everyone does."

"Then why did you just make it sound optional?"

"Well you don't have to."

"You're trying to make me look like a rookie."


"That's why you brought me here, isn't it? To make me look like a fool."

"Good god dude chill out."

"I'm onto you."

"Fine. Yes, you should take your shoes off."

"But my feet smell."


"This whole thing is already too complicated."

"You'll do fine."

"I'm also the only one in pants."

"You'll do fine."

"Alright, class! I am your instructor for today. We're going to start off with a few simple poses."

Then our instructor, a fifty-year old man with white hair and spandex, began to call out names I had never heard before. I can't even remember most of them because it all sounded like a foreign language to me. Or a sexual position. Downward dog? Come on now.

I continued to check my watch until thirty minutes had passed. The class continued. WHY WAS THE CLASS CONTINUING. I looked at my sister. My sister looked at me. 

"Congratulations, everyone! We are now a fourth of the way done in our Advanced Flow Yoga class! Everyone should take a sip of water before we continue."

I glared at my sister. My sister winced at me.


"I'm sorry! I didn't know!"


"This class is two hours! HA HA HA HA HA HA ---"

"This is not funny."




"This is not funny at all."

"You can sit in the car if you want?"

"I'm not going to sit in the car. Then I'll look like a wimp."

"Why do you care what these people think?"

"I'll feel like a wimp."

"Just watch me and you'll be fine."

"I want a cigarette."

"Alright, class! Now we're going to do Warrior III. Unfortunately, I cannot do this pose because I have a pulled tendon, but you all know what to do."

"I don't know what to do, KATRINA."

"I told you, just watch me."

"Okay, that doesn't look too bad."

"It's not."


"Why did you just fall?"


"Get up!"

"I am!"

"Are you okay?"

"No. I can't do this."

"It's not that hard."

"I have no balance."

"Yes you do."


"Okay you don't."

"And now, class, we're going to transition into a new pose. Unfortunately, I am currently unable to do this one, either, but get ready to do the Utthita Hasta Padangustasana!"

"What the fuck, Katrina."


"He's not even speaking English anymore. We've gone to the dark side."

"OH, no, he just means the hand-to-big-toe pose."

"How the fuck do you know this."

"Because I know yoga..."

"I can't trust you people."


"Why doesn't he just say hand-to-toe pose? What's this Urethra Pasta Panda August bullshit?"

"Just do this."

"My leg won't straighten out."

"Just do the best you can."

"I think I just pulled my vagina."

"You can't pull your vagina."

"Then I'm the first in history. Because I definitely just pulled my vagina."

"You did not."

"It's going to be in the headlines tomorrow. YMCA Sued for Indirectly Pulling Girl's Vagina."

"Please stop talking about your vagina."

"Now, let's all take a deep breath, inhale, yes, yes, exhale, yes, and go into the Crane. I'll walk around and monitor the quality of your poses because I cannot do this one at the moment."

"Can this guy do ANY of the fucking poses?"

"Maybe he really injured himself."

"How am I supposed to learn if the TEACHER can't even do them? Katrina? ...Katrina?"

"Great. Awesome. Just do your pose while I'm over here. I'll just look at other people for help and look like the creeper in the sweatpants."

"I'm still going to talk to you even though you're ignoring me."

"The ol' cold shoulder, eh? Maybe you should let your knees warm your shoulders instead of letting them warm your ARMPITS."

"In case, you're curious, Yoga Mat Muncher, I'm struggling over here. Ironically, I've never shoved my knees into my armpits in midair before. OH WAIT. THAT'S NOT IRONIC AT ALL."

"Alright, class! Stretch gently and let's move into the Peacock and then transition into the pose dedicated to the Sage Kounindya."

"Ha. He said 'cock.'"

"Seriously, Natasha?"

"Sorry. I'm delusional right now. Blame it on the pasta panda pulled vagina."

"This is our last pose, I think."

"Alright, I'll do this one and at least I'll be able to say I finished strong."


"Just put your---"

"Yeah good luck with that."

"Yeah actually you won't be able to do this."

"Who the fuck is Sage Go Unda In Ya? The founder of Annie's Pretzels?"

"I'm not sure."

"I'm going to die here."

"You're being dramatic again."

"No. I will rot among you pretzel people and then I'll be remembered as just an untwisted lump of dough."

"I think it's over now."

And after some stretching and breathing (the latter being my most developed technique), the class was over. While I say there was a lot of bitching questioning, my sister and I were still laughing the entire time, which even made my most developed technique more difficult. She was mostly amused. 
(Except for the time she was too busy craning her pits or whatever.) At least I can say I mastered a new pose from this experience.

I call it the: Mendyourvagina.

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