I need to start brewing my own beer. I will name this beer Responsibly, so that on every other beer can and in every other beer commercial, my beer will be marketed. "Drink Responsibly."
Why is it unicorn and not unihorn?
I woke up this morning at 8:00am. I got up, pissed, walked out of my bathroom, and heard a pop! come from the kitchen. I opened up the kitchen closet that houses my water tank to see a gushing stream of water spraying forcefully from the tank. This was odd because of three reasons:
1. When do I ever spend the night at my own apartment? Never.
2. When am I ever awake at 8 in the morning? Never.
3. My apartment is flooding.
I called my maintenance man and informed him of my dilemma.
"Hey, Randy. My apartment is flooding."
"Be right there."
I was expecting a more dramatic reaction. I guess he's used to it.
My next instinct was to leave my apartment. What? I was thirsty. Besides, there was nothing I could do, and I'd rather not stand there and watch my home go to ruins.
Within minutes, every inch of the place was underwater except for the two bedrooms. I was ankle-deep in water and neck-deep in jaw drops. On the bright side, I have fulfilled my childhood dream of living in a water park. Noodle donations accepted.
I've had a Shania Twain song stuck in my head all day. This makes no sense because I have not heard the song in years, and I only know one line:
"Whose bed have your boots been under..."
Ah, the 90s. Today, people are so blunt. If Shania wrote those lyrics now, her manager would probably tell her to rewrite it to "What ho have u been fucking." I'd write a whole parody of the song, but like I told you, I only know one line. That doesn't leave me much space for creativity. Or sanity. Whose bed have they been under? Whose?! TELL ME, SHAY-SHAY. I MUST KNOW.
You should be satisfied by now.