Speed Bumps and Lady Lumps

Random Rants After Driving Over a Few Speed Bumps

Rant #1

Whatever asshole invented speed bumps completely neglected the female anatomy. We already have to deal with a little thing called gravity. We don't need things like fucking lumps in the road to speed up the process. I'd hold myself at every speed bump if I could do it nonchalantly. Unfortunately, there's nothing nonchalant about groping oneself.

Rant #2

I only run into people when I look like shit.

What They Say to Me

"Natasha?! Oh my god, I haven't seen you in forever! How are you?!"

"I'm great, I'm great!"

"Well, it's good to see you!"

What They Say to Their Friends

"I ran into Natasha Ferrier today."

"Really? Wow, I haven't seen her in years!"

"Yeah, did you know she's homeless now?"

"Is she really?"

"Yeah, and I heard she's a bedwetting lesbian."

"No. Way."

"Way."

Rant #3

According to Yahoo, the things that are "trending now" include: Kim Kardashian, the Holocaust, and Wendy's pretzel burgers. My question, other than the obvious What the fuck is wrong with you people, is this: Are these things listed in consecutive order? Who gains an appetite after reading about a genocide? Is Kim Kardashian Jewish? Why are we combining snack foods? Does Yahoo know that the definition of "trend" is a general direction in which something is changing or developing? Is the Holocaust developing right now? Into what, exactly? The next sitcom? I can only imagine tomorrow's "trends."

1. Dolly Parton
2. Three-Fifths Compromise
3. Taco Bell's Go-gurt Gordita

Rant #4

Freaks is a 1932 film about a traveling circus. The controversial aspect of this cinematic endeavor was that every actor in the circus's "freak show" had legitimate "birth defects." (I'm putting everything in quotations right now to avoid being offensive, not because I'm lying. No CGI here, folks.) Among the pinheads, bearded women, dwarfs, Siamese twins, and legless men, there was one they called Prince Randian, more commonly known as "The Human Worm." However, I'm not here to offer you motion picture history. I'm here to tell you what it would be like to be a human worm.

After a two hour conversation with a friend of mine, we came up with the following:

Disclaimer: Yes, I realize a two-hour conversation on this topic is way too long. It's really too long to talk about anything, but yes, it's especially too long to talk about a handicapped human being. Don't ask questions. Don't judge us. Go fuck yourself. But before you do that, or maybe even while you're doing that, if that's what you're into, read this:

• If you had no arms or legs, you'd have to use your face to climb onto the toilet, smearing your cheeks all over the seat.
• If you had no arms or legs, you'd fall into the toilet once you finally got up there.
• If you had no arms or legs, your hormonal teenage son would get mad at you and pick you up and toss you in the closet.
• If you had no arms or legs, you'd be able to see up every woman's skirt - including your teenage daughter's.
• If you had no arms or legs, two twenty-somethings would spend two hours talking about you, leading to the conclusion that the only logical job you could have would be a radio DJ. Then the third friend would eventually get up and leave the room after becoming very annoyed that his two companions just spent hours talking about something "so so so stupid."

After having this conversation, I decided to look up ol' Prince Randian, only to find that my friend and I were far, FAR wrong.

The man is obviously capable of anything. My apologies, Randy. You are my new hero.

Rant #5

When I was in middle school, I remember getting into an argument with one of my parental figures about my sexual knowledge.

"I already know everything sexual," I told them.

"You're ten years old, Natasha. You do not know everything, especially everything sexual."

"Yes I do."

"No you don't."

"Yes I do."

"No you don't."

"Then name something. I'll tell you what it is."

"Fine. Jelly baby."

"I don't know what that is."

"Exactly."

"TELL ME!"

"No."

"PLEASE!"

"No."

For some unknown reason, this memory resurfaced today as I was writing. I decided to finally look it up.

Google search: jelly baby

1. A type of soft confectionery that are shaped as babies in a variety of colours
2. An English sweet favoured by the Doctor (whoever that is)

Everything was about candy. I WAS LIED TO! But just to double check, I went to a second source.

Urban dictionary search: jelly baby

1. An English sweet
2. A close cousin of the jelly bean, favored by Ronald Reagan (is he the doctor?)
3. An English sweet (candy)

LIED TO! LIED!

...until I got to the fourth definition.

4. When a man ejaculates into a woman's anal canal and a blob of semen secretes out during a bowel movement. As in, My wife came home from work today to tell me that last night's anal sex left her with a jelly baby.

NOT LIED TO! NOT! ...ew.

So now I know. And so do you. 

Avoid speed bumps.

Here's My Number, So Give Me Scabies

I am a survivor of a scabies epidemic.

This is scabies.

These are survivors.

This is me being drunk and alone in my room.

I was going to show you a picture of the side effects of a scabies attack, but Google images took me for yet another thrill ride when I searched for that topic. Just imagine a penis covered in chicken pox. Or a naked old woman with the measles. Or just google "scabies" and see for yourself. Google should really change their name to, "Gutter."

It all started with a few little red bumps that appeared on my friend's hand.

"I think I got an allergic reaction from Leeloo," she told me.

"Are you allergic to cats?"

"No, but has she gotten her shots?"

"Well, no, but..."

"You should get her shots taken care of."

"Yeah, but she's never around other animals."

"There are other animals outside."

"Yeah, but she's an indoor cat."

"She could still catch something."

"Yeah, but I'm broke."

"Well these bumps appeared after I was petting her."

"I don't have any bumps, though."

"I don't know. Scott says it's scabies."

"Says it's what?"

"Scabies."

"What's scabies?"

"It's not scabies."

"Okay, but what IS scabies?"

"Some bug that buries itself in your skin and has babies in it."

"Scabies babies?"

"It's not scabies. I really think it came from your cat."

"Well, why did Scott say it was scabies?"

"Because he has the same bumps, so he looked up what they could be, and apparently it's scabies. But it's not scabies."

"But Scott hasn't been around my cat. How would the both of you get it?"

"Maybe I gave it to him."

"Who had it first?"

"He did."

"..."

"I'm going to the doctor tomorrow."

The Next Day

"The doctor said it's scabies!"

"Scabies?!"

"Scabies!"

The Next Next Day

"How're your scabies doing?"

"Well the bumps are spreading and they itch really bad, but the doctor gave me this cream that's helping a lot. And it's supposed to make them all go away in about a month."

"Oh, well that's good."

"Yeah, I'm just worried that Ethan will get it now."

"Why's that?"

"Well we're always over at his place and it's highly contagious."

"Highly contagious?!"

"Yeah, like really contagious. And with women, the bumps appear on the hand, but with men, they're prone to attack the penis."

"The penis?"

"Yeah, Scott said he has them all over his."

"Scabies dick...ew."

One Week Later at Taco Bell with Myself and Three Uninfected Friends

"Hey guys, Sarah has scabies."

"WHAT?!"

"Yeah."

"Wait, what's scabies?"

"These bugs that bury themselves in your skin and make you break out. It's really itchy."

"Is it contagious?"

"Apparently it's highly contagious."

"But she's been at me and Ethan's apartment all week!"

"We've all been at your apartment all week."

"She was sitting on the couch!"

"She was using the blankets!"

"Well, it's just on her hands..."

"She was playing beer pong!"

"BEER PONG!"

"Dipping her hands in the cups of water!"

"And tossing the ball!"

"Into our cups of water!"

"FUCK!"

"Guys, I'm starting to itch."

"Yeah, what's this? Do you guys see this? Is that a red bump on my hand?"

"That's a freckle."

"No, I think it's scabies."

"I'm starting to itch now, too."

"This isn't a freckle."

"It could be scabies."

"We could all have scabies right now."

"Guys, we don't have scabies. Only Sarah has it. And she's been around Ethan for a week, and he doesn't have it.

My phone buzzes with a new text message from Sarah.

ETHAN HAS SCABIES

"Nevermind, guys. Ethan has scabies. Sarah just texted me."

"They BOTH have scabies now?"

"Yep."

My phone buzzes with another text from Sarah.

HEY DON'T TELL ANYONE I HAVE SCABIES.

"She just told me not to tell anyone she has scabies."

"You just told us."

"I know."

"But we needed to know."

"I know."

"WHERE AM I GOING TO SLEEP?"

"Dude, sleep at my place."

"I MAY ALREADY BE INFECTED."

"No one has scabies."

"Sarah and Ethan do."

"Okay, but none of us have scabies."

"Well hopefully I don't have it, because I just started hanging out with you guys like two days ago."

"Yeah, sorry about this."

"Welcome to the group, Jane."

"It's part of our initiation."

"If you can survive the scabies, you can hang out with us."

"NONE OF US HAVE SCABIES."

"I'm still itching."

"You wouldn't even get it on your hands. You're a guy."

"Then where would I get it?"

"On your penis."

"WHAT?"

"You may want to check on that later."

"OH MY GOD IT'S ITCHING."

"It is not itching."

"NO, NO, I THINK IT'S ITCHING."

"How do you get rid of them?"

"I don't know. Sarah got cream from her doctor, but that's for the scabies she has. I don't know how to get rid of the ones in the blankets and stuff. That's where they come from."

"THEY'RE IN MY BED?"

"I'm not the one with scabies!"

"YEAH BUT YOU WERE HUGGING SARAH LAST NIGHT."

"Oh yeah. I did do that."

"YOU HAVE SCABIES."

"I do not have scabies!"

"WE COULD ALL HAVE SCABIES."

"I'm looking this up right now."

"Okay, do it."

"EW!"

"What?! What?!"

"DON'T LOOK THIS UP."

"Did you see a scabies dick?"

"YES."

"Okay, but how do we get rid of them?"

"Hot air. Put all your sheets and stuff in the dryer."

"What about my COUCH?"

"Put it in the dryer?"

"WE'RE ALL GONNA GET SCABIES."

"No we are not."

"BEER PONG."

"Oh yeah..."

"WE'RE DOOMED."

"Wait, so...scabies: yay or nay?"

"IT'S NOT FUNNY, NATASHA."

A Few Weeks Later

"My scabies are gone!"

"Yay! What about Ethan?"

"His are gone, too!"

"Yay! I can't believe none of the rest of us got it."

"I know! I'm glad you guys didn't get it! It's so embarrassing."

"Oh, don't be embarrassed, Sarah. It's not your fault. I had shingles once, if it makes you feel any better."

"I just feel better that I don't have to deal with it anymore. And that you guys never got it."

"Me too. Me too."

A Few More Weeks Later

"My hands itch."

"Mosquito bites?"

"No, a few more scabies came back, I think."

"What?"

To be continued...