ACTION!

So I have come to the conclusion that high school life is nothing like The Breakfast Club. (Five completely different people can all get along; girls can use their cleavage to put on lipstick.) Or Grease. (High school seniors look like they're in their early 30's; cars can fly.) Or She's All That. (There are ballin' parties in giant mansions where hundreds of people go and there's free alcohol for everyone and yet it never gets busted; nerds can get Prom Queen.) I have, however, come to the conclusion that high school life is something more closely related to that of Dazed and Confused. (Teenagers drive around all night looking for something to do; it's all about the weed.) Or Pretty in Pink. (You still go running back to him even after he's been a complete asshole and has hit on other girls and ignored you and made you cry and even though you have a Ducky of your very own you never have feelings for him even when everyone else is rooting for him instead of the asshole; Prom is LAME.) Or High School Musical. (You only date someone if their skin color is similar to yours; gay guys love musicals.)

If I were to turn my high school experience into a screenplay, it would be honest. It would be real. It would judge everyone and put a stereotype on all, because that would be honest. And real. It would group all the attractive people together and all of the unattractive people together because that would be honest. And real. And it would provide lots of eye-candy because if your movie is solely made up of ugly people no one would go, not even the uglies themselves, because just because you're ugly doesn't mean you think ugly people aren't ugly because you know they ARE you just wish you weren't one of them and then your movie will bomb. That fact right there was honest. And real. I would take real-life experience and morph them into scenes. For instance, last Saturday night.

Scene 16---Absolutely Nothing To Do And It's Saturday Night For Crying Out Loud
Action!

April---Anything goin' on tonight?

Jane---Not that I know of.

Claire---I don't think so.

Ring! Ring! Ring!

Jane---Hey Betty, what's up? Not that I know of. Okay, bye.

April---Did Betty say if anything was going on tonight?

Jane---No, she wanted to know if we knew.

Claire---Oh, so she doesn't know of anything?

Jane---No.

April---Hey! Who's that going into Dunkin- Donuts?

Jane---Uhhh I'm not sur---

April---I think that was Emmett!

Claire---What? I don't see his car anywhere.

April---No, no! I think that's his car right there! And that guy was tall! And he definitely had Emmett's neck.

Jane---His neck?

April---Yeah, his neck.

Jane---He had his neck?

April---His neck, YES! Let's go drive by and see!

Jane---Okay!

Jane takes a left, drives by the window, hits a speed bump and accidentally honks the horn. All three guys in Dunkin' Donuts look up and see the three girls. April ducks. Claire stares, and Jane starts laughing hysterically, making her appear as if she might be mentally ill. They take a left out of the parking lot.

April---Was it him? Was it him?

Claire---No!

April---It had to be!

Claire---April, I was staring STRAIGHT at them, and that tall guy with the "neck" definitely wasn't Emmett.

April--Damn!

Jane---Shoot, I'm in the left turning lane again!

Claire---Should we go by again?

Jane---YES!

Jane takes a left, drives by the window, hits a speed bump and accidentally honks the horn, once again. All three guys in Dunkin' Donuts look up and see the three girls. April ducks and hides under a robe.. Claire stares blankly, and Jane starts laughing hysterically, making her appear as if she might be mentally ill, then almost hits a person coming out of Dunkin' Donuts. They take a left out of the parking lot.

Jane---HAHAHA!

April---Yeah. That's definitely not Emmett. Damn.

Claire---THEY WERE LOOKING RIGHT AT US!

Jane---Should we go by again?

Jane takes a left, drives by the window, tries really hard not to hit the speed bump, but in the process of avoiding it hits a hole in the road instead which makes her elbow hit the horn even harder, producing a much louder, and longer, honk. All three guys in Dunkin' Donuts look up and look at the three girls like they are idiots. April ducks. as usual. Claire stares, about to laugh, making her smile creepily instead, kind of like a pedophile. Jane is laughing so hard she has tears coming out of her eyes, causing mascara to run down her face, making her appear like a washed-out mime woman. They take a left out of the parking lot.

Jane takes a left, drives by the window, hits a speed bump and accidentally honks the horn. All three guys in Dunkin' Donuts look up and stare at the three girls with disgusted looks on their faces. April ducks. Claire stares, and Jane starts laughing hysterically, making her appear as if she might be mentally ill. They take a left out of the parking lot.

Jane takes a left, drives by the window, hits a speed bump and accidentally honks the horn. All three guys in Dunkin' Donuts don't even need to look up and see the three girls because they have been staring already since from Dunkin' Donuts, the left turn they keep continously making is in plain view, so the three guys knew they were coming for what could be the sixth, seventh, or eighth time.. April ducks. Claire stares, and Jane starts laughing hysterically, making her appear as if she might be mentally ill. They take a left out of the parking lot.

Jane takes a left once more, drives by the window, tries to avoid the hole in the road and hits the notorious speed bump, accidentally honking the horn. All three guys continue to rudely stare at the three girls. One of them gets up and starts running to the door. As he opens it, all three girls scream.

Jane---WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING?!

April---THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT EMMETT! DAMN!

Claire---JUST DRIVE!

April ducks. Claire stares, this time with her mouth open, and Jane starts laughing hysterically, making her appear like a mentally ill mime woman. They take a left out of the parking lot and drive to Walgreens.

See, that is a realistic portrayal of life of a high school student. (Or maybe that's just my life, which, in that case, is incredibly pathetic and now I am very paranoid that that IS only my life. Hmmm. Shit.)

The only problem with the Realistic Portrayal Approach is that...NO ONE WOULD GO SEE THE DAMN MOVIE. If only life was more like American Pie. (There was one universal book of sex tips with pictures;foreign students masturbate in stranger's bedrooms.) But, as far as I know, it's not.