Friday, January 16, 2009

George Glass

"When are we going to meet this boy?"

"Soon, soon."

Two months later.

"I think it's time we met this boy."

"Okay, oKAY...I'll bring him by."

Two months later.

"Natasha, if you've made this boy up, you can tell us."

"He's REAL! I'll prove it. You'll meet him this week."

"We know a lot of your friends have boyfriends, but that doesn't mean you have to have one. If this boy isn't real, we won't be mad..."

"He's REAL. He's a real, live, HUMAN BEING. Ugh."

"Then bring him by, please."


Two months later.

"That's it, Natasha! You canNOT hang out with this boy any longer until we meet him. This is getting ridiculous."

"It's awkward."

"It's ridiculous."

"Ridiculously awkward."


"FINE. You'll meet him then."

Two months later.

"So...Natasha...when do you think we'll meet this boy?"

"Oh, you wanna meet him?"


"TONIGHT! Geez louise. All you had to do was SAY so. I'll bring him by tonight."


"Yes. Tonight."

Okay, I admit it. I made him up. NO I DIDN'T MAKE HIM UP, good god! Who am I, Jan Brady? Please. I like my guys real, thank you, with real, live flesh. Yes, flesh. It's a crucial aspect, you know. Skin. Blood. Flesh. The three-in-one is what I look for in a man. Bringing a boy home to the rents is not something I have done before. So YEAH, okay, it took me eight months to bring him by. So? I suffered, too. I went through eight whole months of pensive thought as to exactly WHAT could go wrong.

"It's nice to meet you, Boy. You know, Natasha talks about you ALL THE TIME. We can't shut her up! She's just OBSESSED with you! You know, we read her diary, and I couldn't even COUNT the number of times she wrote, "Mrs. Boy, Mrs. Boy, Mrs. Boy. Man oh man, there were a lot! She likes to draw you a lot, too! NAKED, nonetheless!"

"Boy! Hello! Glad to see Natasha didn't turn out to be the old widow we all thought she'd turn out as! It's been YEARS since a boy has liked HER! The last one dumped her ass and we thought for sure she'd never snag another! And that was in first grade! But here you are! Hope she didn't get as clingy and possessive as she did with the last one!"

"Hello Boy, glad to see you've finally come by. Here's where I keep my gun."

So YEAH, I was a little nervous. How would this go? Would they ask him question after question after question? Would they pull out the lie detector? Would they ask what it is about me he likes? Would they bring up the whole incident where I was skipping 6th period and I was in the car with him at Walgreens 30 minutes from my house and my dad pulls up out of nowhere and starts incessantly honking at me then pulls up and screams and tells me to drop that 'clown' off and go home? (Boy being the clown; there wasn't a clown sitting in the back seat of my car squirting water out of a carnation.) (That was the other time.)

After 20 minutes sitting in the car, a handful of hair gel, and a couple of nervous laughs (normal laughs start out small, grow larger and larger, then disintegrate back down to the small laugh, then disappear entirely; nervous laughs start out really loud and big right from the get-go, stay loud and big for an abnormal amount of time, where you know something has to be wrong, because you know laughs grow, they don't just burst; you don't hear a joke and BAHAHAHAHAHA!!! because that would be weird and creepy, so after you know it's a nervous laugh, it abruptly stops after being loud and big for a good 3 minutes. then the person usually looks away or holds their own hand or says, "WHAT." because they're embarrassed and some people tend to be assholes when they're embarrassed), we were ready to face them.

They introduced themselves and brought us into the den, where they sat on the couch. There was a little awkward silence, one which induced me to start laughing, making it more awkward, then they began the questions. After they had asked all that they could muster up, while also managing to say, "WELL NATASHA REALLY LIKES YOU A WHOLE LOT," these wise words were uttered:

"Be safe."

I tried not to be immature and directly think, 'condoms!' but then my father continues with:

"Be gentle."

GENTLE! What does that even mean? I mean, obviously us teenagers have our OWN interpretation of safeness and gentleness...ahem SEX, but I'm pretty sure my father was not telling Boy to use a condom and to take it slow and easy with his 18-year-old daughter if the uh-uh ever comes into play. That, my friends, would be incredibly inappropriate.

After THAT uncomfortable 2 minutes, we decided it was time to leave. Boy walked face-first into the door on the way out, nervously laughed (
HAHAHAHA! stop.), and we bid our farewells with The Rents waving at us from behind (making joke after joke, such as, "Yeah, that door can creep up on ya!" and "Well we got ya with the ol' door trick we play on all the guys!" and "Hey kid, the doors at this house stay solid!" etc.), as we descended into the night. Overall, I would say it was a successful first encounter.

1 comment:

C.M.Hansen said...

hey, it really could be worse. He could have made an overly inappropriate comment in attempts to be funny. that never goes over well.