Saturday, January 3, 2009

There's Something About Marriage

Marriage. "Maywidge" if you're wedding Buttercup and Prince Humperdink. Same thing. And it confuses me. Is this just me? Am I the only one perplexed by this common practice shared around the world celebrating love and happiness? Well maybe. But just hear me out.

What is this phrase, "popping the question?" Could you pop any question, or does it only apply to marriage? And why is the question of being someone's spouse the question that is "popped" as if it was some kind of surprise? Of all the words, of all the onomatopoeia, why pop? The term "pop" suggests a jolt, a jump, like when you open a jar. POP! Goes the jar. POP! Goes your single status. Don't people discuss the thought of marriage before it is proposed? It's not like you're dating some guy for a month, then POP!

"Will you marry me?"

"What? This is a joke, right?"

"No, I'm "popping" the question."

"The question shouldn't be popped yet!"

"But if I waited any longer, if wouldn't be a pop. It'd be more of a slur..."

"A slur?"

"Slurs are slow, you know, predictable. I'd be slurring the question."

"Well that doesn't sound very romantic."

"Exactly. That's why I've decided to pop it!"

"You're so sweet! Of course I'll marry you, you hot piece of hunky!"

See now, THAT'S "popping" the question. Even though the word "popping" isn't very romantic. In fact, it's not romantic at all. Let's look at a small, concise list of other things that are popped.

1. zits
2. buttons on a shirt after you've gained 20 or 30 pounds (depending on how big the shirt was before you went on a Big Mac spree)
3. boils
4. blisters
5. popcorn (which may be delicious, but if you examine popcorn, it pops and pops and pops, and yet there are still kernels left in the bottom of the bag, unpopped. It doesn't matter how long you pop it, there will always be those kernels. Do you really want your marriage to be related to those unloved, outcasted kernels? Just think about that one.)

So there is your list of other popped things. But never mind that, let's look at the aftermath of popping the question: "tying the knot." Okay, so you tie the knot. Don't think about this figuratively, think about this literally. What are some common thoughts among knot-tiers? I'm talking not about married couples, but people who literally tie knots. Let's think of some, shall we? Now, as I name these, apply them to the concept of marriage.

1. not everyone can tie a good, solid knot
2. once it's tied, it's STUCK like that
3. it's stuck like that until someone with really sharp nails can come along, usually a woman, and UNDO the knot using her skilled hands
4. people who can tie really good knots are considered to be nerdy, such as Boy Scouts

That's all. Just something to think about. No big deal. Don't fret yourself over it. Case closed. But still. Now you know. And after you've tied the knot? Relatives start sending ONE present to "the both of you with love" as if stating "with love" hides the fact that the cheapos bought you some knives. They couldn't even get the Mrs. spoons and the Hubby knives; it's just knives. For both of you. It's lame. (Sincere apology to those of you who have given people knives, I'm sure they loved them.) (An even MORE sincere apology to those couples who have received knives "for the both of you with love." You have cheap, worthless relatives and you should seriously consider using those knives against them in the future.) (At night. When they're asleep.)

Then again, I'm young. What do I know? I'm not ready for marriage and I won't be for a very. very long time. I could bring up the divorce rates nowadays, but I won't. I could bring up the number of women who have been cheated on by their husbands, but I won't. I could bring up the percentage of couples who have divorced soon after having kids, but I won't. Because marriage IS a common practice shared around the world celebrating love and happiness. So go pop it.

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