"Why don't I have J.Lo's ass? That's all I'm asking for. Just ONE ass like J.Lo's. Just one. Please. ONE J.LO'S ASS. ONE."
"Angelina's boobs have GOT to be fake. As if ANYONE would naturally have the body of Lara Croft. There's no way those knockers are real. Who even would want chesticles like that, anyway? Well, okay, I would want chesticles like that, but that doesn't mean SHE gets to have them. Geez..."
These are samples of the daily rantings of a female woman. "If I only I had this, if only I had that, if only my chest was bigger, if only my butt was firmer, if only my nipples were as pronounced as Tila Tequila's..." IT JUST GOES ON AND ON. It's not that I have a problem with envying another woman. You can't help that. Just not these women. You could have come to me when I was 5 years old and asked me who to envy, and I would have known exactly who to say. The following women have, as Bananarama would say, GOT IT.
Jessica Rabbit. All she has to do is push her hair over one of her eyes and she's got it. It's the one-eye look. It's mysterious. It has men wondering, "What does that other eye look like...", "Why does she hide that other eye...", "I would give anything to be THAT man who reveals THAT eye." It leaves them wanting more. But she doesn't let them have it. She never lets them have it. The one mistake she could make is flashing them that other eye. She keeps it hidden. It sees nothing and nothing sees it. Not only does she have only one eye visible, she has a giant slit in her dress. It's the giant slit look. It's slutty. It has men wondering, "Was that slit an accident, or on purpose?", "Why did she choose that specific side for the slit?", "I would give anything to be the man who rips that slit all the way up." Since it's a slit, it's only slut-TY. Now if there was a giant hole front and center NEXT to that slit, then we'd have sl-UT. And yes, there is a difference. On top of these two shoe-ins for dude-wins, you've got the long purple gloves. These babies have men wondering, "What do those gloves feel like?", "Could you use those gloves as a blindfold?", "Does she leave those gloves on when she takes a piss?" Gloves are secretive; you don't know where they've been and what they've touched. You can wash your hands, but you cannot wash gloves. Well, you can wash gloves, but who washes gloves? Sexy people don't wash gloves. Known fact.
Miss Piggy. She annoys the hell out of Kermit, and yet he keeps coming back to her. "Why is this?" you ask. The answer is obvious. SHE'S GOT IT. Check the 'do. What middle-aged woman can pull off the Shirley Temple look and get away with it? Miss Piggy. What incredibly chunky woman can pull off running in heels? Miss Piggy. What woman with constant droopy lids can never get accused of smokin' the piece pipe? Miss Piggy. What woman with the deep, scratchy voice of that of a man's pull off wearing pearls? Dr. Frank-N-Furter. AND Miss Piggy. And who can forget the fact that she, too, wears long purple gloves? Is that not a sign? Are purple gloves the secret to swooning a fella and we're too hung up on Salma Hayek's buns to even realize it? It's not the junk in the trunk; it's the arms in the gloves. Miss Piggy knows this. Kermit is turned on by it. And who can't trust Kermit the Frog? If anyone has an ounce of taste, it's Kermit the Frog. And who did he choose? Did he choose Scarlett Johanseen? NO. Did he choose Penelope Cruz? NO. He chose Miss Piggy. I'm telling you, the pig's a babe.
Ariel. I don't really know WHY they call her the "little" mermaid considering the fact that she's 16 years old and has the body of a porn star. I mean, have you ever noticed how disproportionate her body is? Her waist is the size of my pinky, and she's got the chest of a mother who's breastfeeding. She's swimming around in two seashells covering these breasts, as if seashells suffice for what looks to be a C-cup. Not only does she have the former homes of SNAILS as boob-covers, she's swimming around IN FRONT OF HER FATHER revealing these assetts. And does her father tell her to put some clothes on, like normal fathers would say? NO. He seems to be completely fine with his daughter flashing the entire ocean. Date a human? NO! Show that human her cleavage? SURE! Have a crush on a human? NO! Walk around naked on the shore? WHY NOT! But you've got to give it to her, if she looks like THAT at a mere sixteen, imagine what she'll look like in a couple years, when she's outgrown those seashells. They'll be more of arieola-covers then. And yes, I realize she does not have purple gloves. But you know what color those seashells are?
There you have it. People Magazine? Please. You wanna know the hottest of the hotties? Well you just got 'em. And for all you women out there, I'd invest in some purple gloves.