Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Doo-Dad's and Hoo-Ha's

I don't really know how to break into the topic of today. I could give you clues, perhaps?

...it rhymes with born...

Oh, fuck it. I’m too impatient for this shit.


What brings this up today is that I have this website that shows me how people get to my blog each day. Whether it be through facebook, or blogger, or google. Not only does it show me if someone found my blog on google, it shows me what they typed in that brought them to my site. And there are some weird mother fuckers out there. I just hate to disappoint the guy who clicked on my blog when really what he was looking for were "naked damsel pics," or the other guy who was dying to see a "naked damsel getting fucked." I hope they eventually find what they're looking for. Sick bastards.

Now, I don't have much to say about porn, really. Because I've never watched it. And yes, that is the truth. I don't know why anyone would not believe me when I say I have never sat at my computer and watched videos of people fucking each other, because in my personal opinion I don't seem like the type who would get off on strangers filling each other's holes, but just to clarify, I HAVE NEVER WATCHED PORN. Of course I could be lying and watching it this very second, as I talk about not watching it; I could have naked people all over my screen right now, I could have zoomed in on all their special doo-dads and hoo-ha's and could be holding a magnifying glass up to these aforementioned gonads and blah-blee's and you would never know. You would have absolutely no idea. But I don't. So case closed.

I know many people do, yes, enjoy porn, and there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with absolutely loving whatever suits your fancy. And yes, I assume anyone who watches porn on a regular basis loves it, and is not just "fond" of it, because if you do something every single day it's not just because you think it's "alright," it means you think it's AWESOME. Which is fine. To each his own.

(When I say you must love the things you do everyday, I'm not talking about things like going to the bathroom. You must do that. You don't have a choice. Well, technically, you do have a choice but it would be gross if you chose not to. The point is I'm not generalizing here; obviously people don't LOVE going to the bathroom. But then again...we do choose to...when we easily could choose to NOT...do we love it? You know what nevermind people's bowel patterns are completely irrelevant to porn.)

(...well, usually. they SHOULD be anyway. but, like I said, to each his own.)

That's not the problem. The problem is the people who come up with the ideas for porn. I'm not even referring to the completely abstract and bizarre ones, like a woman fucking a horse. Because first of all, I heard that a horse's penis is 4 feet long and if you think about it, that's the size of a FIRST GRADER. I seriously doubt a woman could fit a FIRST GRADER in that hole...and if she could then we have bigger problems than her sexual preferences. Like what else has been in there, for instance. What the fuck has stretched it out THAT MUCH. Which brings me to my second point of SICK. And my third point of there's no way it's 4 feet long because I've seen many horses and I'm pretty sure I would have noticed a 4-foot-long dick. Because that's just not something that could easily be hid. Unless it's in that woman's elastic band of a vagina, which brings me back to my second point of SICK.

But that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about your everyday, run-of-the-mill, average porn, the same porn my roommate and I looked up on her phone one day.

(A-HA! Thought you caught me, didn't you? Well you didn't. We didn't watch said porn, we simply read the titles, which trust me, are entertaining all on their own.)

When reading these titles aloud, I tried to imagine what would persuade me to click on that specific title, with oh so many to choose from! What oh WHAT will I choose when I have the bountiful not to mention creative genres of:


I don’t know who’s idea it was to take a 1974 song with lines such as, “They were funky men from funky Chinatown,” and thought immediately of people having hot, steamy sex that many viewers would enjoy, as well. I don’t even really know what the word, ‘funky’ actually means. I imagine this porno would involve many Asian men all getting in on with each other, ferociously ripping off one another’s black belts and judo-flopping their dicks all over the place, hitting each other in the eyeballs and such while waving around chopsticks (more like chopdicks), swirling around nunchucks (more like numb butts), and screaming (more like creaming), “Want some lo mein with my DICK?” (Mr. Miyagi would probably be in there somewhere, as well, but not old and wise as we all know him, but old and NAKED. Break me off a piece of DAT ass!)

I May Be A Sucky Mom But I Have Great Tits!

A mom? With great tits? Sweet, dude! Breastfeed some of your kids, PLEASE. God that would turn me on so hard. Just one of ‘em. Just show ONE CHILD sucking on your nipple to get milk to stay alive, PLEASE. Or maybe YOU could drink your own milk. From your OWN nipple. PLEASE OH PLEASE.

See Jan Cum Good When Find Cock

“Find” cock? I’m pretty sure sex isn’t supposed to be a game of hide and seek. (Hide and Fuck? Could be the title of my directing debut...) I’m not sure who would cast someone in a porno who’s cock is difficult to find. Perhaps it’s the suspense. You watch “Jan” look for this guy’s cock until you just can’t take it anymore, and then, alas! She finds the cock! Hurray for Jan! Now she cum good! That’s another thing---what’s with the grammar? A Bob Book gone perverse.

I wish I had more titles to offer you, but I forgot most due to pure shock and I don’t plan on looking up some porn on my own time, SORRY, so I’ll have to leave you with these three, which hopefully will keep you going for days. Or, if you’re like me, you’ll just have the song “Kung-Fu Fighting” stuck in your head all week, but with, of course, the word, “fucking” in place of “fighting.” It’s actually quite a catchy tune, in my opinion. But, to each his own.

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