Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Beauty Pageant Wannabe

I have recently grown a great deal of respect for young women who compete in beauty pageants. And no, I'm not being sarcastic. Because, really, they get tricked right from the get-go. They get told they're going to compete in a BEAUTY pageant, and yet they get asked question after question after question and one wrong answer could snatch that glittery crown they've been working their whole lives for from them FOREVER. What do questions about life have to do with the shape of your thighs? This isn't a BRAIN pageant! This isn't a WIT pageant! This isn't an I HAVE A FUTURE AHEAD OF ME pageant! It's a beauty pageant. It should be quite simple, really. Stand there. Look good. Look blonde. And a bunch of creeps will stare at you for quite some time and then pick the one who's least likely to take naked pictures of herself the next time she gets shitfaced.

Don't believe me? You think it's just a contest full of pretty girls who knew they could do more with their lives than work at McDonald's? How dare you. They CAN do more than turn burgers! They can turn in a swimsuit. They can turn in evening wear. And they can turn me into a Beauty Pageant Wannabe! I'll have to start practicing now! And I can use these sample pageant questions I found online to do it!

And yes, these questions are legit. As in real-life beauty pageant questions. I've gone ahead and answered them (for practice, of course) but honestly these questions are amusing all on their own.

Tell us something about yourself.

Well...my name is Natasha Ferrier...I have a blog...I really like writing on it...

What are your hobbies?

Umm...writing on my blog...which I like...I just told you that.

What do you think can be done to improve your smile?

What? Is there something wrong with my smile? I mean, not that I think it's perfect, I just wasn't expecting you to ask me to improve it...I know I only have one dimple and I guess that's kinda weird but I don't really know how I would fix that...that was kind of a dick thing of you to say, though. Now I'm all self-conscious...

Do you have a boyfriend?

Is this a trick question? Is there a right and wrong answer to this? Does this really effect my chances of staying in this pageant?

Do you think HIV patients have the right to lead a normal life?

No. I think we should lock them all up in a cage and feed them scraps of lard. JUST KIDDING! Uh yeah. I mean I've never really thought about it. I mean what do you mean "normal life?" Because I wouldn't want them going around and having sex with a bunch of people and shit...I mean I, personally don't want AIDS but maybe that's just me...

How do you think you can help in the prevention of STD'S and AIDS?

What? Become a scientist? I don't fuckin' know! Throw condoms at people whenever I'm in a public place? I mean what the hell does that have to do with anything?

What would life after rape be like?

There would be no life. I'd slit my wrists. JUST KIDDING! I mean how am I supposed to respond to that? Life would be fucking awesome after rape? If only I could be raped on a daily basis? Why the fuck are you asking me that? Is that a round I'm supposed to go through? Get raped? FUCK IS IT?

What is your take on one-night stands?

Okay come on now. You think any girl competing in this contest is going to say, 'Oh, how I love them! One-night stands are my favorite kinda stands!' and expect to win the pageant? Not unless she's dumb as FUCK. Oh wait...I forgot where we were...

What would you do if your boyfriend left you?

This contest is incredibly sexist. I'd go on with my fucking life, THAT'S what I'd do. I mean shit.

What would be your logo on a T-shirt?

Probably something like, 'DON'T YOU DARE LOOK AT MY BREASTS.' Just kidding! God dammit I'm funny. Fuck. This isn't a Funny Pageant. It's a Beauty Pageant. If I were to were to have something written across my tits so everyone would look and then read it...uhhhh...'WE ARE BEAUTIFUL?'

Do you read?

No. Not ever. I don't know how I passed high school. YES I READ.

"Good girls go to Heaven, bad girls go everywhere." Comment.

I mean if bad girls go everywhere...wouldn't that include Heaven, as well? I'd much rather get to make a few stops at some stores and stuff then go to Heaven, than only be allowed to go to just Heaven...

What can women learn from men?

You think if men had a beauty pageant, they'd be asked what they can learn from women? HELL NO! I'm not answering that question you sexist fuck.

Other than this pageant, what is the greatest challenge in your life?

Shit man. I was about to say the greatest challenge in my entire life is competing in this beauty contest. I'm so upset you ruled that option out.

Tell me something that will make me remember you.


Oh yeah. I'm just a hair color away from being the next Miss America.

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