Words of Wisdom From Someone Not-So-Wise

I've gotten over the fact that experiencing my first semester of college has not made me look any older. I've finally admitted to myself that I will always have baby cheeks and I will always be asked for my ID and once I give the cashier my ID they will always make some obnoxious statement about how young I look and then always tell me how lucky I am to look so young. Yes, I just love being attracted to guys who look older and older everyday while me and my cheeks stay very much like that of a baby's. It's whatever. I really don't mind it. At all. Not a bit. I REALLY DON'T GIVE A FUCK, OKAY? Maybe I would feel a bit older if I didn't eat with Gerber baby spoons, but that is just never going to happen because rubber spoons that come in multiple colors are the best kind of spoons out there. (Sporks not included.) So now that I've moved on from college changing my physical appearance, I have been thinking of the ways it has changed me intellectually.

It hasn't.

Look, I've tried. I've tried to participate in the intellectual conversations of college students, but really I've just spent those conversations intellectually thinking of how FUCKING STUPID everyone else is. See? These should not be the words of a newly-changed college student. I should be nodding my head while simultaneously squinting my eyes and stroking my chin while I sit and listen to "college conversations" that go something like this:

"Why does this world exist?"

"But what does it mean to exist?"

"Like why are we humans here?"

"But what is here?"

"In this world."

"But who says this is even a world?"

"It's all how we perceive reality."

"But what is reality?"

"Who knows if we are even having this conversation...we're only having it because we say we are having it."

"Everything we do is only because we think we're doing it."

"But what does it really mean to "think?"

"It doesn't even matter. We'll all be dead one day."

How genius of you man. To realize we're all going to die. BECAUSE I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO LIVE FOREVER. I really could write a "How-To" guide on how to have an "intellectual conversation."

1. start nodding

2. begin to stroke chin

3. when a noun is stated, such as "cat" or "nickel", ask what that noun really is

4. when a verb is stated, such as "jump" or "speak", ask what that verb really is

5. do not listen to anything anyone else is saying, just be thinking of the next brilliant thing you're going to say when they finally stop

However, I have learned to be grateful of a lot of things I took for granted in my high school years.

Toilet Paper

My house is always stock-full of this tissue of goodness. Never once did I have to "drip and dry," or use some substitute for it to cleanse my private areas. (Said substitutes will remain unnamed.) (Oh, did that just make you even more curious? Too bad.) Then, I get to college, and it becomes this rare gift...I never have money to buy it, my roommates are either just as broke or once they get it they secretly hoard it all to themselves. What is this shit? Cartoon bears can have it, but not me? Whoever said "out of sight out of mind" was NOT considering toilet paper. That Charmin roll of heaven is always on my fucking mind. It's soft, it's cushiony, and it feels nice on your crotch. I am beyond grateful.

Gasoline

When getting into my car, most conversations go like this:

"Your gas light is on."

"Yeah. I know."

"That means your tank is empty."

"It's really not even that empty."

"How long has that light been on?"

"Like three days."

"Three days?!"

"Maybe four."

"Four days?!"

"LOOK. I KNOW MY CAR IT CAN GO FOREVER NOW GET IN."

I wouldn't be nearly as grateful for gas if I had not blown 90 dollars off of my dad's credit card in 3 days on gas, and gotten a phone call a day later that ended in no more gas for Natasha. So now, I am beyond grateful.

Splenda

Honestly, I have always been grateful for Splenda. Without it, many foods and drinks I consume would not be nearly as sweet, and therefore, not nearly as delicious. Splenda has always gone splendidly (more like "splenda-ly"...oh my wit.) with cottage cheese, milk, yogurt, strawberries, chicken...anything, really. But it wasn't until I left home that it hit me that I was obviously not the only one who bought Splenda, since it costs about 8 fucking dollars for one box. What are they thinking? That broke college kids can live without their daily intake of sugar substitutes? WELL NOT ME! I have found myself going into gas stations just to nab a handful or two of Splenda to slip into my pocket and discreetly take it back to my dorm. Same goes with restaurants. A strategy I have found most successful, in case any of you out there are having trouble being able to feed your Splenda addiction, is to go into a restaurant, empty all of the Splenda out of those little plastic containers they have on the tables with the pink, blue, and yellow packages, and then ask the waiter if they have any Splenda. Now, he will look at that plastic container on your table and see that it is empty. Then, he will go to the most near by table to grab some from that plastic container, but this is exactly why you already took all the Splenda form the nearby tables when you were walking in. Now, he MUST go to the back and get you more. Then you will take all of it. And leave. And maybe tip. But not with Splenda. That Splenda is your Splenda. Or maybe you could give it to me and then it would be my Splenda. Then, I would be beyond grateful.

Then again, this is only my first semester. Maybe by the end of my second semester rolls around and I am officially done with my freshman year, I will be wiser, and look wiser, and be able to spread more wisdom than I have spread today. But at least, because of the wisdom of mine I have been so wise enough to bestow upon you, you now know not to take toilet paper for granted. And for that, you should be beyond grateful.