Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Tis The Season To Be DEAD

Someone told me that suicide rates are highest in December. So I looked it up. And I read that it was not true.


Oh, you don't agree? Well then, in that case I guess I will have to evaluate each and every month, and you will soon see why December SHOULD be the most popular month for people jumping off of buildings.

It's the new year! You can't kill yourself when it's the new year! This is finally your chance for things to get better, since I assume if you are contemplating killing yourself, things have not been so great for you recently. Give it one more go. See that giant ball in Times Square drop one. More. TIME. You can't miss out on a massive sphere of glitter slowing descending, now can you?! That tradition is one of the most thrilling traditions us Americans can come up with! YAY! A BALL IS BEING LOWERED! Let's toast a glass of champagne to that! And after drinking that champagne, let's all feel really depressed since alcohol, yes, is a depressant, but forget killing yourself! You'll be passed out soon enough!

Love is in the air! You can't kill yourself when love is in the air! How can you be sad when everyone else is carrying boxes of chocolates, and bouquets of flowers, and is going to get laid that night while you're lying in bed crying? Quit being selfish. Feel happy for others! So what you're alone! So what no one will love you for who you are! So what all of your past relationships have failed! Millions of other people have a committed relationship with someone they think is their soulmate, why would you kill yourself and ruin everyone else's happiness just because they don't give a fuck if you're happy or not? Because they're happy! Quit thinking only about yourself. Get a grip. Buy some Godiva truffles. Eat until you puke. Slitting your wrists may sound wonderful, but imagine how wonderful it is to puke AND cry at the exact same time!

Leprechauns, everywhere! You can't kill yourself when there are leprechauns everywhere! All you have to do to feel happier about life is to gain some good luck from a four-leaf clover! And we all know how easy THOSE are to find! Hey! Or maybe, just maybe, it'll rain really hard all day, and you'll feel even more depressed, but just as you finally decide to tie that noose, the rain stops! And a magical RAINBOW appears! And now all you have to do to find a pot of gold and be rich and happy for once in your life is to find the end of that rainbow! And we all know how easy THAT is to find! Or maybe you can find that list of 749 things you want but will never have, and you'll choose three that will take away all sadness for the rest of your life. Now, those three things can be granted! All you have to do is find a 3-inch man in a green suit! And we all know how easy HE'LL be to find!

April showers! You can't kill yourself when there are April showers! Because even though rain is dark and sad and depressing and it keeps you inside and inside is where you're most likely to overdose on sleeping pills, do you know what April showers bring? May flowers! Don't you want to live to see those flowers?!

May flowers! Again, you can't kill yourself when there are May flowers! May flowers are the best kinds of flowers! Because even though almost EVERY OTHER MONTH has flowers, as well, somehow May got deemed the one who has them!

The swimming pools are open! You can't kill yourself when the swimming pools are open! You have to go swim! And get sun burnt to the point where you can't put on a T-shirt without screaming in pain! And what about your hair? You don't want that updo you left the house with to turn into a frizzy fro the minute you step outside? Well that problem can be fixed; just jump into the pool! And get your eyes painfully stung by chlorine! And see a lot of half-naked people who you really, REALLY didn't need to see half-naked! Just keep those grotesque half-naked images in your mind all day, and you'll feel so much better in regards to your own self-esteem! Except for those people at the pool with amazing bodies...IGNORE THEM! Who needs them! They're ones who need to kill themselves, not you!

It's Independence Day! You can't kill yourself on Independence Day! Lots of people kill themselves; would it really be THAT independent of you to go shoot yourself in the head just like everybody else?

School is beginning! You can't kill yourself when school is beginning! This is time to reminisce, to remember those elementary school days, the days before your heart got ripped from your chest and that son of a bitch never bothered to give it back! The days before you could read and you aced every class just by scribbling with colored sticks of wax! The days before your parents screamed at you telling you what a fucking failure you are! Remember these days of innocence? Don't permanently open your veins in a month that represents the ABC's. It's just wrong.

You're only a month away from Halloween! You can't kill yourself when you're only a month away from Halloween!

It's Halloween! You can't kill yourself when it's Halloween! Hocus Pocus airs on TV! AND...this is the only time it's socially acceptable to accept candy from strangers!

Turkeys everywhere! You can't kill yourself when there are turkeys everywhere! Sure, these turkeys are dead turkeys, but don't their breasts taste delicious?

It's Christmas time! You CAN kill yourself when it's Christmas time! FINALLY! A fat man is going to come down your chimney and eat the cookies you stayed up all night baking and there's no escaping him! Except to kill yourself! Your mom is going to make you sit on some fat fraud's lap in front of millions of strangers and take a picture that will be the new Christmas card and there's no escaping it! Except to kill yourself! The weather is freezing. Your nose won't stop running. You got your two front teeth years ago so there's really no more gifts to look forward to. You have no idea what to buy anyone. You have no money to buy anyone anything, anyway. You've gained 10 pounds in a week from drinking egg nog that's going to take 2 months of eating lettuce to lose. Starbucks will soon take the Peppermint White Mocha off of their menu. Frosty the Snowman is due to melt sooner or later. And this all seems impossible for you to escape...oh, but you can. Just kill yourself! (Just make sure you do it before the Christmas card picture is taken. You don't want THAT to be the last picture taken of you ever.)

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