Sunday, December 27, 2009

Killing Me Softly With His Giggle

"Hehe. Hehe."

I could hear the giggling.

"Hehe. Hehe. Hehehe..."

I could hear it from right behind me.

"He. Hehehehe. He."

It was the giggle of a man, this I knew.


Enough was enough.

The suspense was killing me. Killing me softly with his giggle. I had to know what could possibly cause a grown man to giggle like that. So I turn around. I look at The Giggler. The Giggler looks at me. I maintain eye contact with The Giggler. The Giggler maintains eye contact with me. I didn't say anything to The Giggler. The Giggler didn't say anything to me. I continue to stare directly at The Giggler. The Giggler continues to giggle.

I continue walking.

"Hehe. He. Hehehehehe."

The Giggler was following me. Giggling. Giggling right behind me. I turn around once more.

The Giggler is still looking at me. And he was---




Still giggling.

Looking directly at me.

And giggling as he did so.


I knew going to a chinese buffet on Christmas Eve is not necessarily the normal thing to do. But it's my family's tradition. Christmas not only entails stockings and presents, but crab legs, as well.

And oh, how I love those crab legs.

But the truth is, holidays were not created to eat crab legs. Or, although contrary to popular belief, being giggled at by abnormally large men. Holidays are about love...and family...and Martin Luther King's birthday...and giving...(and taking)...and fights. Yes. Fights.

Honestly holidays were really just created to start fights. It's a fact of life. Someone always feels left out from the bunch (prepare yourself for the run-on sentence to come): they didn't get as many presents so they feel less loved so really they're not loved at all because if we all loved them we'd spend more money on them than we did on the dog but we do love the dog we love the dog quite a bit and that's why we bought him 7 pig ears but if you complain about the dog getting more gifts than you did you get called ungrateful for what you did get and you're not thankful for anything you take it all for granted blah blah blee blah and really this whole time you have an excellent point. The dog should not get more presents than you, because it's a fucking DOG, but what can you do about it without sounding spoiled? Nothing, that's what. So you just sit there in a bad mood. Which puts someone else in a bad mood because they're wondering why you're in such a bad mood, and then someone else sees the two of you both in bad moods and then they start asking why everyone is in a bad mood when they are now actually in a bad mood themselves but are being too moody to realize it. Wah wah fuckin' wah. It's all about bitching. Bitch about this; bitch about that, and bitching leads to someone saying, 'Hey, you're bitching. It's annoying,' which leads to The Bitcher trying to defend themselves which leads to what? To fighting, that's what.

What bothers me most is that anyone can easily become The One Who Ruined Christmas in a matter of seconds. I'm talking seconds here, people. Not 60 seconds. Not sloppy seconds. Just seconds. And not just Christmas, either. You could turn out to be The One Who Ruined Easter, for example, or The One Who Ruined Halloween, perhaps, or maybe even The One Who Ruined Every Holiday For Ten Years In A Row; it doesn't matter. Holidays have become an excuse to say something really mean to someone just because you can get away with it. Examples?

"God your hair is ugly when you wear it like that."

"Um...that was mean..."

"Let's not argue about this, it's Christmas."

"But you just were a complete asshole."

"What is WRONG with you? You wanna fight on Christmas? Is that really want you feel like doing?"

"You JUST randomly told me---"

"You are such an ungrateful person how DARE you cause such misery on the day Jesus was born."



"You're yelling!"

"Go to your room."

"Look, I'm sorry. You're right, it's Christmas. I really am sor---"

"I don't give a shit go to your room and think about what you've done."

See? Just one conversation and you're The One Who Fucked Up Christmas Morning '09. None of this happened in my own humble abode this year. We all had a splendid time full of smiles and piles (of presents!). I'm just saying---there have been times where unnecessary fights have arose and I swear on John Travolta's life that they would have never happened if it weren't for the fact that it was a day of holi. I hope everyone can relate here and if not GOOD FOR YOU I'M GLAD YOUR FAMILY IS FUCKIN' PICTURE PERFECT WELL GUESS WHAT IT WON'T LAST.

As if any holiday would even be remembered if there wasn't at least one argument about who ate the last drumstick. As if this this particular Christmas Eve would have ever been looked back upon if I hadn't of been attacked by the raging forces of a fat man's giggles. Please. I live for this shit.

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