Sunday, December 13, 2009

H-E-Double Hockey Sticks

Upon reading a quote of Jean Paul Sartre that stated, “Hell is other people,” I began to think of what my own Hell would be like. To be quite frank I agree completely with ol’ Jean, since there are many people, many other people, people as in persons besides myself, who make me think that I’ve died and gone to Hell because this must be what it’s like. You know these people I speak of. You have your own that you’re thinking of right now, I’m sure. (Like that girl who always talks about how she just hates her GIANT ass, but she only says this when there are guys around so they all LOOK at her GIANT ass as she insists and insists that she wishes she had a flat ass when I think we all know she just LOVES the fact that her ass is HUGE. Yeah. Like those kinds of people.) My Hell would not be the stereotypical “fiery pits” that everyone seems to imagine. Seriously, people, is this the worst we can come up with? Fire? And holes in the ground? We have both of those things on Earth, first of all, and second of all, that doesn’t seem all that bad. If there were fires everywhere, there’d also be millions of chances to roast marshmallows. And it’s pretty evident that roasting marshmallows is NOT part of being doomed for all eternity to the Underworld.

There are little adjustments I could make to the picture-perfect “Hell” that everyone imagines. Like, for instance, it wouldn’t be hot at all. It would be freezing. Deathly, deathly freezing. And the devil wouldn’t be holding a pitchfork. He’d be sticking that pitchfork up our asses and yelling, “Mush! Mush!” But these are minor details. I’ve thought of three; that’s right, THREE versions of my kinda Hell. And boy oh boy are they MORBID. And DISTURBING. You really should just stop reading now.

Are you still reading? STOP IT!

Seriously. I’m trying to help you. Don’t go on.

Fine you little fucker. Prepare to have your brain FUCKED.

Hell #1 - You constantly are about to piss your pants, yet you cannot find a bathroom.

To fully comprehend how terrifying this Hell would be, you first have to know the feeling of being on the verge of pissing your pants and not being anywhere near a bathroom. If you don’t know this feeling, then congratulations on being the only person in history who perfected their bladder control at birth. However, I am confident in stating that most of us have been in this situation and not known what the fuck to do. In Hell, though, it’s a little different. Not only would you feel the urine pushing onto you, the pee just about to touch the crotch off your pants and then retreating back, then returning to the pants-crotch, then retreating, the yearning to piss making your face itch and your feet twitch and your legs cross and uncross, cross and uncross, but you would find yourself in this situation in the WORST case-scenario. You’re sitting in class and you feel it. You leave to use the restroom, but as soon as you step out those doors you’re in a business meeting and you feel it, but as soon as you excuse yourself to take an important phone call, you’re in the back seat of a car and you feel it. And you’re getting it on, and you’re about to do the hanky panky, but the hanky panky has to waity waity, because you’re about to piss all over the place. But you can’t go. And you don’t know this, you just always think it’s about to come out. And whenever you finally work up the courage to stand up and find a bathroom, you’re in a different setting, with different people who you would never, NEVER wet your pants in front of. And that’s when you realize. This must be Hell.

Hell #2 - Everyone is naked...except you.

What? You thought it'd be the other way around? That a perfect Hell would be full of clothed people and you would be standing there naked? And embarrassed? And really, really naked? No. In my Hell, I would be forced to look at all SORTS of naked bodies. The ones that I didn't like would disturb me greatly; the ones that I did like I couldn't even seize and conquer because I would have to stay clothed. (I'm referring to males here.) Sure, it's simple, but do you realize how incredibly AGGRAVATING that would be? But that's just the way it is. Because it's Hell.

Hell #3 - You can't stop having orgasms.

Sounds more like Heaven than Hell, doesn’t it? Sounds absolutely wonderful, DOESN’T IT. Well guess what. This is Hell. And things are a bit different in these here parts. You’re sitting at Thanksgiving dinner. You’re with an uptight-mother-in-law, an uncle who’s a priest, and a bunch of cousins who are virgins, not to mention all the other relatives you aren’t too fond of. You’re all sitting around eating, and you have the most intense orgasm of your life. And you can’t hold it in. And so you let it all out---the moans the groans the sighs and it begins to escalate and BAM! You throw your head back, and then it's over. And then you look back at all the faces of your relatives staring at you in horror. And you don't know what to say. And you're thinking of what to do...but then you start to have another one. That's right, folks. Another orgasm. And another. And another. And another. And you can't stop. And everyone is staring at you. And your mother is crying. And your father looks disturbed. And your uptight mother-in-law is shaking her head in disgust. And your virgin cousins just seem really confused. And your priest of an uncle is looking at you like you've just damned yourself to Hell. But that's exactly where you already are.

It's pathetic that all Satan can come up with is fire and heat. Who put him in charge, anyway? The Head Honcho of Hatefulness thinks he can top Natasha Ferrier's versions of Hell? Ha. I'd like to see him try.

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