Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Baby Got Fat

I have a question that has been on my mind for quite some time now. And by "quite some time" I am referring to the 30 minutes between the time I woke up this morning and the time I sat down at my computer to pose this question, as well as the last 7 years of my existence. Well, here it goes: What is so DAMN SEXY about boobs and a butt?

Stop me now if you already know the answer. Oh wait! You can't, can you? I get to just keep on going and going and going without any further interruption! Ah...the joy of writing.

Let's get into the scientific aspect of these two components. Boobs are what? Lumps of fat. Butts are what? Lumps of fat with a line down the middle.

A-HA! Alas! Eureka! Gigolo! It is all so clear to me now! Men are attracted to lumps of fat! If only I had known!

Wait...something is wrong here. Would a typical man be attracted to a 600-pound woman? A woman with infinite lumps of fat on her body as opposed to the mere 3 men have been settling for all these years? NO. No, he would not. Well that just contradicts my whole point. Shit!

I got it! Okay okay okay, stick with me here. Let's get into the physical aspect of these pieces of meat. Boobs what? Protrude from the body. Butts what? Protrude from the body.

A-HA! Alas! Eureka! Bon Jovi! I now hold all the answers regarding sex appeal! But wait...a nose protrudes. Are noses considered a big turn-on? No...and what if a woman had a third arm? Or a hunchback? Would QuazimotA be the next Marilyn Monroe? NO. No, definitely not. Dammit. This is proving to be more challenging than I thought.

How about we get into the functional aspect of the two, eh? Boobs do what? Release milk to feed infants. Butts do what? Release turds to feed toilets.

A-HA! Alas! Eureka! Cousin It! All my life I've been thinking men had absolutely no reason behind their obsession with these particular body parts, when really, they like the fact that they can get milk and feces from them!

Something tells me I'm a little off here...what could it be...could it be that you can get milk and feces from lots of different things? Yes, that must be it. Why would men like women for their milk and turds when they could easily get both of those things from a cow? Are men sexually lusting after cows? No...maybe in India, but this isn't India. This is blogspot.

Alright I know. Boobs belong to whom? Women. Butts belong to whom? Women. Boobs and butts do NOT belong to whom? MEN.

A-HA! Alas! Eureka! Fruit Loops! Men like this physical aspect of women because they do not have it. Men only want what they CAN'T HAVE. I've solved it. I'm genius.

Hold on. This can't be correct. Men don't have vaginas, either, and I don't see any men trying to cop a feel on a woman's va-jay-jay as he sneaks his arm around her shoulder in the movie theatre. (which, yes, would be quite difficult since he'd have to stand up just a smidge so he could reach down there and if he did do so everyone else in the theatre would wonder what the hell that guy was doing, but just because something is difficult does not mean it's not possible.) But men aren't getting hard-ons over a sexy-lookin vajeene. I don't see any men exclaiming, when sharing their sexual escapades with anyone who will take the time to listen, "Dude. She had the most bad ASS vagina. I couldn't keep my hands off of it!"

WAIT. It's coming...it's coming...hold on, I almost got it...

Nope, false alarm.

Wait...wait a second...

Nah I got nothin'.

Well then. I guess I have finally reached an answer to my question. There is no answer.

Wait! UNLESS...

Sorry, another false alarm. There really is no answer. What is it that men like about tits and ass?! I'll never know what. Or should I say...I'll never know "butt?" Oh, my wit.


Jamal said...

Well the reason being is because they are protruding lumps of fat but you don't have to be fat to have either. Also boobs are soft and warm and if they are big enough you can rest in them after a hard day at work, and butts are fun to slap and grab on too, also a good way to grab a woman and lead her into the kitchen without being to aggressive. Plus since humans are basically animals we love "doggystyle" and if a woman has no boobs you can play with anything while your going for a ride and if she has no ass you wake up with a bruised pelvis cause you were pounding it as hard as you could. So recap: Breast=fun bags, ass=speed cushion.

Natasha said...

Thank you very much for your insight, Jamal. I must admit I never quite thought of breasts as pillows, or an ass as a polite method of directing a woman into the kitchen. Silly me, now that you've told me it all seems too obvious!

Becca said...

Boys have butts.