Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Fucket List

I'm a "list" person. I like making lists. Now, do not get this confused with "to-do lists," which I, in no way, am fond of. By "lists," I do not mean I make lists that will benefit me in any way, unless you include my own simple amusement. I found some lists I made in my younger years, that I assume did not help me get anything done; the only thing those lists seemed to accomplish is that thoughts that should have been kept inside my head were put in writing, and perhaps were even discovered by my family members, since I didn't even bother to keep such lists remotely concealed. Considering the fact that these lists are no longer personal, I might as well share them.

"Hot Guys"
I am not sure when I made this list, but it's safe to say that I was probably 12 years old. At least I hope.

"Hot Vampire Guys"
Yeah, I was definitely around 12 or 13. Or 16.

"Hot Guys That Are Not Vampires"
This list may have not have included blood suckers, but I made sure to sneak in some werewolves. Honestly, Wolverine is still a main character in fantasies of mine, but in the past 6 years I cannot say I have made any lists that include him. And if I were to do such a thing, it would probably be a tad different, such as:

"Werewolf Body Parts I Would Like To Touch"
This would be a long list. I love me some Wolfman, every inch of him, which I assume, in my werewolf fantasy, would be a good amount of inches.


"My Own Body Parts I Would Like A Werewolf To Touch"
This, however, would be a short list. Let's cut to the chase, Wolfman. You know what to do.

But this does not matter! Because these lists don't actually exist. Unfortunately, the lists of "hot guys," that really have no depth in them at all, since all three of them had the same group of people, do in fact exist, but I am not embarrassed. It could have been much worse. These were the only lists I found, which I assume is a good thing, unless I really want to think I was a pathetic loser with nothing on my mind but the undead, which I was. But I don't need PROOF of this, I'd just rather know it. No evidence. Just the inner acknowledgement, so to speak.

I am more than happy to say that my lists have matured along with my age, and to prove it, I have compiled a list, right here on this very page, the kind of list that college freshman make, just so you can see the wisdom I have acquired over time in regards to list-making. That's right. Ch-ch-check it out.

Things That Really Piss Me The Fuck Off

1. The Fact That My Pants Only Rip In The Crotch Area

I mean, what the hell. This is seriously the ONLY area in which my pants rip. Not in the knees, not in the ass, IN THE CROTCH. Right there. It's not like I buy pants that are super tight; I actually buy pants that are loose JUST so this does not happen. And yet, no matter how big my pants are on me, there it appears. The hole in the crotch. Just screaming out, "Hey! Look at me! I'm a hole in the crotch that's supposed to be hiding that other hole in the crotch! But I do a SUCKY job at it since I'm not hiding it at all! It's right there! Take a look! Have a feel! Stick something in there, I don't care! Cause I'm a mother fuckin' hole in the crotch!"

2. The Fact That I Always Run Out of Conditioner Before I Run Out of Shampoo

Talk about annoying. It's never like, "Oh, I'm out of conditioner and almost out of shampoo!" No. Not at all. It's more like, "Oh, I'm out of conditioner and yet somehow I still have half a bottle of shampoo left! DAMN YOU HERBAL ESSENCES." They do it on purpose. If you haven't noticed, conditioner is cheaper than shampoo. Coincidence? I THINK NOT. They do that because you have to buy TWO bottles of conditioner to equal ONE bottle of shampoo. Unless I just use more conditioner...shit. Do I? I THINK NOT. I'm onto you, Herbal Essences. I'm onto your little games....

3. The Fact That The School Band Loves To Practice Outside My Window

They just love it. How do I know they love it? Because it's the only fucking place they practice, THAT'S how I know. Here I sit, trying to be a good little student, hittin' the books and typin' the papers, and this is what I hear in the background: BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUMBUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM---you get the point.

4. The Fact That When Cigarettes Are A Dollar Off, The Wrapper Says: 'Dollar Off NOW'

Whew! Thank goodness they cleared that up! If the wrapper had merely stated, "Dollar Off," who knows when THAT could be! They could be a dollar off tomorrow! Or the next day! Or maybe even next week! But certainly not now! (I've always thought that it would be quite hilarious if I were to make my own brand of cigarettes, and just for the sake of fucking with people's minds, put on the wrapper, "Dollar Off TOMORROW," because then, people would keep returning to purchase them, only to find that they are not a dollar off today, but tomorrow, and will forever be that way).

5. The Fact That Starbucks Raised Their Prices AGAIN

It's already a damn 4.65 when I buy my favorite drink off the menu, and when I went yesterday and ordered the very same drink, how much was it? FIVE OH NINE THAT'S HOW MUCH. Congratulations on legally robbing my ass, you cock suckers.

6. The Fact That No Matter What Position I Sit In, My Foot Always Falls Asleep

I swear it's a disease. You think Elephantitus is bad? Try Myfootisalwaysnumbatitus. It's way worse. I've tried them all, I tell ya. Sitting on my feet. Not sitting on my feet. One foot under the ass. Feet on the ground. Feet in the air. On my knees. Cross-legged. Indian style. (Excuse me, I believe the politically correct term is Criss-Cross Applesauce.) They have ALL failed me. It's because I've never had a headache. There is some supreme being out there, laughing at me, saying, "Natasha may never get headaches, but her foot will always be asleep! MUAHAHA!" You think I'm joking? Well I'm not. My foot is asleep right now, as a matter of fact. There. There's your proof. So SUCK IT. (I mean that figuratively, not literally. Besides, if you did decide to suck my foot, I wouldn't even feel it. Because it's asleep. As in numb. And tingling. And pissing me off.)

7. The Fact That I Never Know How To End A List

...Fuck it.


Barbara said...

Um, you use too much conditioner. I have the opposite problem. I need two bottles of shampoo for every bottle of conditioner.

Too bad I don't use Herbal . . .

Natasha said...

Well there's ONE of my problems solved! Now about my pants...