Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Not Quite Chevy Chase...But Close

Good evening, I'm Natasha Ferrier. And you're not.

I'm reporting live at the University of Chattanooga and it appears to be mating season here on campus.

Students are eagerly flocking to class, and yet still finding time to halt during their sidewalk ventures and lock lips with someone of the opposite sex.

"I've never seen anything like it before," says Julie Green, a sophomore year at UTC. "It's as if Cupid struck everyone with an arrow over the winter break."

Julie Green isn't the only one who is noticing the heteroclitic horniness; freshman Albert Cochran's curiosity was sparked as he was simply on the way to the cafeteria.

"I just wanted a hotdog, man, and everywhere I looked there were hotdogs, but not the kind I eat for lunch, the kind that bulge out of dude's pants, if you know what I mean."

Yes, Albert, I think we know exactly what you mean.

"I'M SINGLE," says Chelsea Woodard, a native Chattanoogan and Criminal Justice major. "I wake up, I'm in a good mood, and ready to start the day, and these MORONS are running around holding HANDS and gazing into each other's EYES and SMILING WITH THEIR TEETH and LAUGHING and GIGGLING and being HAPPY and it's's just...oh...I...I want to be in love too...I HATE EVERYONE WAAAAHHHHH-HAHH-HAHH-HAHH---I'm sorry I'm a little emotional..."

Someone get her a tissue, please. Well, it is safe to say there is an evident range of emotions toward the romance that has blossomed over the holidays and brought itself here to this university. Chase Walker is here to share his opinion.

"Yeah. It's fucking disgusting."

Please don't say the f-word; we're on national television.

"Oh, sorry. It's f-u-c-k-i-n-g disgusting."

Thank you, Chase.

"No prob."

Annie Miller seems to agree.

"It's winter time. People's noses are running. All I want to do is walk to the cafeteria without seeing some girl mack on a guy's upper lip that's covered in snot. It's repulsive. Why do I have to see that? You think I want to eat lunch after seeing that? Doesn't she realize when her boyfriend's nose runs it goes down? It doesn't go up, does it? No. It goes down. And what's below the nose? The lips. And what do you kiss? The lips. So what does that mean you're kissing? The snot. The mucus. The thick liquid that's flowing with diseases."

"Thank you, Ann---"

"And you know what else is warped about dating someone in the winter time? Chapped lips, that's what. I keep seeing people with the most chapped lips I've seen in my life, and somehow they have someone right there, kissing them. Touching those two pieces of peeling skin with their own lips. Don't they feel the scratchiness? The excess skin? The dried up flakes of death? And some people's may not peel, but they get red. And fat. Do you know what I'm talking about here? It's like their lips grew twice in size because there's this 2-centimeter-wide layer of redness above the upper lip and below the lower lip. They look like a clown. A crusted up clown. And people are smooching these crusted up clowns and who has to look at it? I do."

"Annie, thank y---"

"And one more thing. The clothes. The layers and layers of clothes. You think a guy looks good, right? You invite him back to your room. You guys are kissing. You take off his coat. You take off his jacket. You take off his sweatshirt. You take off his hoodie. You take off his shirt. Then what? THEN WHAT? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT! He is a lot larger than you expected, that's what. These layers upon layers of jackets are the most misleading thing since erasable pens. You think I wanna sleep with you after that panis is revealed? You think I'd be "down" for that? You think I wanna suck your hidden di---"

AND that was Annie Miller! Enrolled students here are not the only ones who are baffled this season; scientists are joining them in their bewilderment. Zoologist Steve Zimmer joins us now to help explain this rare phenomenon.

Hello, Steve.

"Hi there, Natasha, it's great to be here with you today."

Indeed it is, Steve. Now tell me, what are your thoughts on this sudden female-male attraction that seems to be around every corner here in Chattanooga?

"Well, Natasha, it appears to me that a rare kind of evolution is taking place as we speak."

A rare kind of evolution, Steve?

"That's right, Natasha. Not in the physical sense, but in the mental sense. We, as humans, have always considered ourselves above animals, and it has affected our actions. But the truth is, Natasha, we are not above animals, we are just like they are, like squirrels, for instance."

Squirrels, Steve?

"Yes, Natasha. We are no different than your average squirrel. We want to hump and we will, and I think that is what is taking place here in Chattanooga."

You think humping is taking place here in Chattanooga, Steve?

"Natasha, I know humping is taking place. The only reason it has been private humping is because we are in the midst of winter season, and the climate is just too uncomfortable at this time."

Do you expect that will change once spring rolls around, Steve?

"Absolutely, Natasha"

And in what way exactly, Steve?

"Well, Natasha, private humping will become public humping."

Public humping, Steve?

"Yes, Natasha, just like the squirrels. The epiphany that we are no different from other mammals is erupting at this very moment, and in merely a few months we will have completely morphed into the squirrel mindset, and be satisfying our sexual needs in a more open manner."

Now, Steve, by "open manner," do you mean in public?

"I could mean a lot of things by "open" in regards to humping, but yes, Natasha, students may be kissing on their way to class now, but by April we should be seeing some full-frontal and/or bounteous-backside humping right here on this university's sidewalks."

Thank you, Steve.

"Thank you, Natasha."

And so you see, what seems to be a casual inflammation of young adult hormones should not be overlooked; it could in fact be a rare phenomenon that is taking place right before our very eyes. Some are saying mucus and dead skin are the new biceps and lesbians, the things that usually arouse women and men. Public pleasure becoming socially acceptable may be seen as unacceptable to the single type, such as Chelsea Woodard, but could also be viewed as a joyous celebration to those with self-control problems, such as PeeWee Herman. What is rumored to be named The Year Of The Squirrel-People could very well be a year that will go down in history.

This is Natasha Ferrier reporting live. And now, the weather.


Chad Lembree said...

So you made it back to College?

Natasha said...


Long story. Not interesting. Doesn't matter.