Monday, January 25, 2010

Natasha Ferrier (a.k.a. The Cliché Conjurer)

I find that whenever something doesn't go as I had planned, the easiest way to accept it is to spout off some cliché. Let's say, for instance, someone broke into your house, stole all of your belongings, shaved your cat, and then burned your entire house down, and the only survivors of this catastrophe were you, your now-bald cat, and some marshmallow Peeps. (they don't burn, ya know.) This is when I come in. You're crying, you're screaming, you're telling your cat to shove off because it's bald and creeping you the fuck out, and all I have to say is,

"Cheer up, kid! After all, everything happens for a reason."

You stop crying. You lift your head up. You look at me, and you smile.

"Gee, I never thought of it like THAT!"

"That's what I'm here for! To brighten the spirits of those less fortunate with cliché sayings that have uncommonly known explanations! And YES, I do expect you to take what I say to heart without questioning it at all! Because I'm Natasha Ferrier, The Cliché Conjurer, at your service!"

I did not realize the tendency I had to blurt out clichés at what were probably not the best of times until I was informed of this habit.

"I wonder if he likes me or not..."

"Curiosity killed the cat."

"Yeah but it's really bothering me...when will I KNOW?"

"Only time will tell."

"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THAT."

"What?"

"You just respond to whatever problem I have with some random idiom and I HATE it."

"Love and hate are two horns on the same goat."

"SEE?"

"What?"

"You picked me up to talk about this, but you're not really SAYING anything to help!

"Actions speak louder than words."

"STOP IT!"

"What?!"

"None of those even make sense!"

"Things could always be worse."

"AH! You are impossible to talk to. I'm ignoring you for the rest of the night."

"Easier said than done."

"..."

"You're really going to ignore me?"

"..."

"Are you serious?"

"..."

"Silence is golden."

"UGH!"

Of course, I do realize that there are some sayings, clichés, idioms, and euphemisms that make absolutely NO sense at all, and that is why all of you reading this today have been granted the privilege to not only learn a cliché or two, but also learn my own personal opinion of them. Maybe one day you can be a Cliché Conjurer yourself! (Though don't expect to master the art right from the get go; it took me years to perfect my skills. And what sweet skills they are.)

"You can't judge a book by its cover."
Actually, I can. And I do, often. And until a book featuring Fabio on the cover holding some chick with her shirt mysteriously torn conveniently across her breasts wins the Pulitzer Prize, I will continue to do so.

"A watched pot never boils."
Whoever made this one up obviously had never watched a pot. Smoked some pot, maybe, but certainly never watched one. Because a watched pot DOES boil, and how do I know that? Because I've WATCHED one, and what did it do? It BOILED.

"When in Rome..."
When in Rome...what? How did this saying survive all these years? The guy who wrote it OBVIOUSLY wasn't done with the saying, and some idiot found it and thought, "This is brilliant! When in Rome! I don't know exactly what that means...it must be some kind of poetry! Yes! Abstract art! The kind of art that people only pretend to understand because they feel like being DIFFERENT, when really, any 5-year-old could have written this and it would have merely been regarded as childish gibberish and been put on the refrigerator door by Mommy! But since an adult wrote this...well, it's abstract ART!"

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
What's going to hurt you more? A pebble thrown at your big toe, or someone telling you you're a fucking fat tub of lard who's going nowhere in life and has bad B.O.? If you chose the pebble, you might want to continue reading to the next saying on the list.

"You're an idiot."
Okay, this one really isn't a cliché; I just felt the dire need to address the audience who chose the pebble. Moving on.

"I'm happy as a clam."
Where the hell was I when scientists discovered that sea organisms had emotions?

"Drunk as a skunk."
And where the hell was I when they discovered that skunks were the alcoholics of the mammals?

"Cool as a cucumber."
Okay, this is just getting ridiculous.

"Don't toot your own horn."
Who else's horn am I gonna toot? Yours? A stranger's? NO. If there's a horn to be tooted, it's going to be my own, thank you very much. I'm not going to just go around tooting other people's horns. Because that's WEIRD. And you know what else is weird? "Toot." Why not "honk?" Or "beep?" Toot? Are you kidding me? You think I'm going to take you seriously when you say that?

"Walking on Cloud 9."
Hold on a second here...what happened to Clouds 1 through 8? Are they not as good of clouds? Well why not? Aren't all clouds pretty much the same? Is the ninth cloud really the best of the bunch? How many clouds are they, anyway? Has anyone ever counted the clouds? I doubt it.

"You say potayto, I say potahto."
No you do not. Because no one says, 'potahto.' That's retarded. That's like if I said, "You say banana, I say BaNONa." You'd be like, "What? Who the fuck says baNONa?" to which I would respond, "You say potayto, I say potahto," and yet for some reason this would automatically be acceptable, and you would say, "Ah...well, to each his own," when just a minute ago you were about to drop me off in the middle of the freeway because I prefer my yellow fruit of mush to be pronounced, "BaNONa."

"Distance makes the heart grow fonder."
Oh, how sweet!

"Out of sight, out of mind."
Wait, what? You just told me distance makes the heart grow FONDER, and now you're telling me that if I'm not seen then I'm not in anyone's mind? What about the DISTANCE? REMEMBER THE DISTANCE? Why must you confuse me like this! Damn you!

"Ask and you shall receive."
HA! Right. You keep on thinkin' that, you naive dimwit.

"Good things come to those who wait."
Look! It's the naive dimwit again, BACK to waste my time with some more bullshit! Hey! Maybe if I wait awhile, the naive dimwit will go away! Because that would be a good thing!

"Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."
Nope; dimwit's back.

"Fake it till you make it."
I think this one really only applies to the women of the world.

"Two heads is better than one."
Don't worry, men of the world; I found one that only applies to you, as well.

"Busy hands are happy hands."
(As long as they're not my hands...or hand...)

"The best thing since sliced bread."
Whoa! No way! It can't be! Nothing is as absolutely wonderful as bread that has been cut down the middle a few times! It's just not possible! Whoever is the best thing since sliced bread must really be a somebody...man...if only I could be better than sliced bread! I'm just a dumb HUMAN, who's never been sliced! Not even once! Damn you, bread! Damn you AND your slices!

"When one door closes, another door opens."
Yeah, at the same time 8 other doors close. Then what will happen with that one open door? You won't do shit about it, and then it, too, will close. But that's alright! Because yet ANOTHER door will open! And you find yourself in this neverending cycle of opening and closing doors and I won't blame you if you ask who the HELL keeps closing all these damn doors and whoever it is must have a LOT of time on his hands.

"Leave no stone unturned."
And so does this guy.

"Speak softly and carry a big stick."
I left this one last on the list, because this one baffles me the most. By FAR. Speak softly and carry a big stick? Who am I, Gandalf? You think anyone is going to listen to a guy who speaks softly? Or for that matter, listen to a guy who carries a big stick with him everywhere he goes? EARTH TO HUMANS: Lord of the Rings is FICTION; it's FAKE; in the real world, people don't listen to guys who speak softly and carry big sticks; in the real world, people sell those guys heroin and give them some newspaper to sleep on.

I think it's time we all take a second glance at the ridiculous phrases we use and realize how absurd we all sound when we say them, thinking we sound wise. Seriously, people, I mean it. Wake up and smell the roses.




2 comments:

Ellie said...

you are hilarious. How do you come up with this stuff?

Natasha said...

Thank you! Ah- best compliment you can give me, that right there. Hmmm...how do I come up with it? As long as I don't sit and think about it, I can usually write about it. I just have to sit at my computer, start typing, and BAM! There it is. My phalanges have a mind of their own...