Thursday, February 7, 2013

If You Give A Bum a Beer

Random Thoughts After Purchasing My Tenth Lunchable This Week

Thought #1

I love Lunchables. With them, I am able to have lunch. 

Thought #2

If I park in a spot that I have to pay for, but I remain sitting inside my car, can I get a ticket? Would a policeman really come up to my car, write a ticket, and stick it on my windshield with me sitting there the entire time watching him? Couldn't I just say, "Oh, I just parked. I was about to get out and pay the meter," even though I've really been sitting in my car for the past hour and never got out to pay? If I leave the car running, is it technically "in motion" and therefore not parked at all?

Thought #3

Conversation I Overheard the Other Day:

Nerd 1: So, I heard you talking to Dr. Jones about DNA...

Nerd 2: Yeah, and?

Nerd 1: And I was wondering what exactly the two of you were discussing.

Nerd 2: Regarding DNA?

Nerd 1: Precisely.

Nerd 2: DNA - Drugs 'N' 'Alcohol!

Then they both start snorting through their noses (I believe this is some sort of laughter), and they walk off, preparing for the flood.

(That was a high-waters joke, by the way. As in pants.)

Ah, good ol' DNA jokes.

Thought #4

For once, I checked the weather report for today's forecast.

100% RAIN.

I was bummed at first, but then I was excited that finally, for once in my life, I would be dressed appropriately for the weather on my walk to campus. So far this year, I have managed to wear the only pair of shoes I have that have giant holes in the soles on every day that it has rained. By the end of my classes, I can't feel my toes, and there is an odd squishing sound emanating from my feet. By the time I take off my soleless shoes, my feet looked to have aged 50 years and my cat is prone to biting them - probably because they look like juicy raisins.

This morning, I was ready. I put on my raincoat, placed the hood over my head, and confidently strolled out my front door.

No rain.

That's okay, I thought. It's still early.

An hour passes.

Then two hours.

Then four hours.

It's 6:00pm now, and it still hasn't rained. The last time I checked, 100% did not mean 0%. Did the weather man accidentally add two digits? Did he get replaced with the Whether Man, who questions whether or not there is a chance of rain? Is somebody fucking with me? You know how noisy rain jackets tend to be. I went swish swish swish all day FOR NO FUCKING REASON.

Thought #5

You know when you're with a group of friends, and a homeless man approaches you all?

"You gots sum change?"

"No," you answer, and you keep on walking. Because, well, fuck that.

Then you notice that no one is with you anymore. So you turn around. 

You see all of your friends smiling and digging in their pockets.

"Yeah, sure!" they sympathetically say, handing the man coin after coin.

And now you look like the asshole.

You want to say, What the fuck are you guys doing? You're making me look like a dickhead. I'm broke, too, bitch!

But instead, you decide that since your friends utterly betrayed you, you must out-do them. You're not below a good ol' charity competition, are ya?

So you run to the car, grab a beer, and run back to the homeless man. 

"Here," you say, handing it to him.

This is real charity. You just saved him an entire trip to the gas station. While others were handing him change to go buy beer, you skipped the whole process and got right to the chase. You gave the bum a beer. You know what they say: if you give a mouse a cookie, he's gonna eventually want a million other things because he's a greedy piece of shit. But if you give a bum a beer, he's going to need absolutely nothing. (Until tomorrow.) But now he is happy, and you're not an asshole.

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