Monday, February 4, 2013

Old Lady Dumbo

Last night I dreamt about Dumbo. I was having a conversation with someone, which went like this:

"Dumbo's ears are like an elderly woman's breasts."

"Are they?"

"Yes, they're both long and floppy and leathery."

"Hmmm, I've never thought about that before!"

"Yes, it is a shame that elderly women cannot use their droopy breasts to fly."

"Do you think they could if they tried?"

"Yes, in fact, I do. I think if they flapped them rapidly enough, they would defy gravity."

"You are so smart, Natasha."

"Thank you. I plan to test this hypothesis in about 70 years. I believe that I could be the first woman to fly using my worn out breasts."

The best part about this dream is, you can't judge me. This wasn't a conscious thought I had; I had no control over this analogy. I was a bit disturbed when I woke up and imagined a 90-year-old woman flapping her breasts up and down, but that's the dream's fault - not mine. 

Another great part about this dream is that it would never happen in real life. Not the Dumbo-boob analogy, perhaps I would have come up with that, but the fact that I could openly say this to someone and be praised for such a thought. Connecting Walt Disney to nipples actually impressed the listener. If I were to do this in real life, something tells me if would have gone a lot less smoothly...

"Dumbo's ears are like an elderly woman's breasts."

" I know you?"

"No, but I just came over to enlighten you about my most recent realization."

"I'm trying to eat right now."

"They're both long and floppy and leathery."

"Excuse me?"

"Dumbo's ears and granny boobies."

"That's gross, man."

"Have you not seen the Disney classic?"

"Of course I have. I used to watch it with my grandmother all the time."

"And you never made the connection? Between your grandma's tatas and Dumbo's ears?"

"My grandma's what?"

"If your grandma had flapped her yabos, she would have most definitely gained air."

"My grandma's WHAT?"

"Do you not agree?"

"NO! Get away from me, sicko!"

"You'll thank me later."

"For making me visualize my grandma flying with her...her....UHH MAN THAT'S DISGUSTING!"

"It's science."

"You have serious problems."

"And your grandma has ---"


It's not that I want dreams about Old Lady Dumbo, but it's a lot better than when I dream about walking to my mailbox, grabbing a bill, and then --- oh! I'm awake now! What a dream! Wow. Impressive, brain. Very impressive. Your imagination is SO vivid that it's not vivid. At all. Does that even count as a dream? It's more like instant replay of what just happened before I took the nap. A lack of imagination is far more terrifying than boob wings. Trust me.

No comments: