Monday, January 14, 2013


It's six in the morning and I'm still drinking. Don't worry, it's the weekend. This is normal for any 22-year-old who has tasted the carbonated bubbles of a 16 ounce Shlitz. Have you tasted cheap before? It tastes great.

After cracking an egg, dumping the yolk in the trash can and throwing the shell in the mixing bowl, I've decided that it must be time for me to go to bed before I do anything else in the opposite fashion - such as put my underwear on my head and my hat on my ass.

"But wait..." I think, "I forgot to check facebook!"
This excludes the fourteen hundred times I checked it during the day. Night time facebook is much different from day time facebook, DUH.

I see two notifications, in which the names have been changed for this post:

"Laura posted on your timeline" and "Barry commented on your photo."

I check Barry's comment, which annoys me, so I choose to ignore it, and then I go to Laura's post, which delights me, so I choose to comment on it.

"Thanks, Laura. That really means a lot."

Of course, this is not what I wrote - this is what I thought I wrote. Why I trusted myself after pouring my dinner into a drain, I don't know. Ask Shlitz. Or Pabst Blue Ribbon. Or Miller High Life - any of the cheap whores I got frisky with that night.

The next morning, I awake to my daily routine: check my fridge for food I don't have, close my fridge and groan, and check the ol' FB, my only reliable source of nourishment.

"Laura commented on her wall post."

I check the comment and see the following:


Why did she ask this? Does she somehow know Barry? This is my first assumption, which I again blame on the cheap whores I slept with that night that left me with an STD. And by "STD" I mean "hangover."

Then I read my comment.

"Thanks, Barry. That really means a lot."

Fuck. Fuck my wasted ass calling people by their wrong names. Fuck facebook.

Which is why I've decided that there needs to be a new FB - a type of hybrid website that blends drunk people with Facebook. I call this site:


With Faceplant, there are a few rules:

1. You can only go on Faceplant when you're drunk.

Alright, so there's only one rule. But you know why? Because drunk people don't follow rules, that's why.

Faceplant will have all the same attributes as Facebook: pictures, comments, wall posts, etc., but none of these things can be accessed while sober.

All the photos will be taken only while the participating parties are drunk - which means only photos of girls making inappropriate hand gestures and guys grabbing some girls' asses while they laugh. Bloodshot eyes, drooling mouths, body positions no one knew they were capable of - the works!

All the statuses will be intoxicated thoughts, which covers a wide range of categories, giving Faceplant an array of emotions for their status updates.

How are you feeling?

The Depressed Drunk

I'm so alone, man. I want to die.

2 people like this.

The Belligerent Drunk


Five people like this.

The Sappy Drunk


One person likes this, and it's the person who wrote it.

The Disillusional Drunk

Life is so great right now! I. LOVE. LIFE.

Same goes for this one.

The Honest Drunk

I'm sooooooo WASTEDDDDDD! Hahahahaha!!!

Eight people like this.

The Horny Drunk 

My dick.

Ten people like this.

The Drunk Who Thinks They're Being Funny But Really They're Coming Across As A Complete Asshole

Fuck Faceplant. I have better things to do with my time than go on the internet, like grab another brew, breh!

No one likes this. Everyone is offended. Since they're all on Faceplant.

The Drunk Who Should Probably Stop Drinking Now

jjjjjj7dF AHHH9 jfj;;;;;;; !!@

Fifty-two people like this.

And that's another thing - everyone will be drunk, so everyone will "like" everyone's statuses, even if they don't know the person. No "friend requests" here - everyone is automatically friends on faceplant, because when you're drunk, everyone is your friend!

No one's comments will make any sense, either. For example:

John's Status:
I'm at the bar! Wooooooo


I see you, man!


I'm at the bar, I see you!

Do you live in Tennessee?

Nah man, Oregon! You ain't in Oregon right now?

Also - people will constantly write their statuses on people's walls and people's wall posts in their status box.

Lucy's status:

Lucy's wall post on Bob's timeline:
I'm so in love. I have the best boyfriend EVERRRRR.

Lucy's boyfriend's comment on her status:
Who's Bob?

Lucy's boyfriend's comment on her wall post on Bob's timeline:
What the fuck is going on? You cheatin' on me?

Bob's comment:
Hey man, I don't even know this chick.

There would be a lot of mix-ups on Faceplant.

All the activity would take place at night, because that's when people drink.

"So-and-so at 2:37am."

"So-and-so at 3:12am."

"So-and-so at 4:59am."

There's no day-time Faceplant. This is what I need. That way, there's not that "next morning realization" when I see the mistakes I've made and feel utter shame and regret. With Faceplant, you can make all KINDS of mistakes, and no one will even notice! Or care.

Faceplant - the Facebook for drunks.

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