Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Ace Ventura: Dental Hygienist

I read recently that the average human sleeps 33% of their lifetime. Here's some math for you: a third of a lifetime is 194, 821 hours, which averages out to 22.5 years, and 2 + 2 = 4. (That last equation has nothing to do with sleep. That's me proving to myself that there's still some math out there that I can do without a calculator.)

Despite the terrifying fact that I will sleep for more time than I've even lived so far, this also means that I will have 23 years of dreams, most of which I will forget. Presumably, that's 20 years of blacking out, which means my insomnia-fueled nights are balanced out by my liquor-fueled nights. See? There's a method to my madness. I just didn't know it until now.

I try to write down my dreams as soon as I wake up. When I say "try," I mean "try," which means "try" meaning "I don't." But at least the thought is there. Just not the pen and paper. They aren't there now, and they weren't there when I first decided to keep a dream journal. That was seven years ago. (That may seem like a long time, but it's nothing when you compare it to the 70 more years of chances I have to place a pen by my bed.) (What? IT'S HARDER THAN IT LOOKS. Pens come and go, man. They use you to release all their fluid and then they're out of your life forever. One minute, you got a Bic in your hand, and the next thing you know, the Bic is useless.)

I've mustered up three dreams I can remember that I've had recently, which I'm going to share with you. I'll also include the internet's interpretation of each dream, along with my own. We shall begin with Oprah.

1. Oprah Winfrey Goes to Summer Camp

I've been invited to go to Oprah's summer camp. I am told to meet my fellow campers at her mansion, which is just a pretentious thing for O-Cakes to say. Why not say, "Meet me at my house" instead of "Meet me at my mansion?" I already know it's going to be a mansion, I don't need the specificity. That's like if I sent out birthday party invitations, and instead of saying, "Come celebrate my birthday!" I said, "Let's eat cake in honor of my dad's successful cum shot!"

I get lost as soon as I arrive at her home, which was on foot, so I guess I walked there. I finally find a giant group of people my age sitting in a circle on the ground, listening to Oprah meditate. As soon as I sit down with everyone, Oprah opens her eyes and exclaims, "Alright! Time to get on the bus!" Everyone hops up and we begin walking up a staircase. The girl in front of me turns around, pushes me down the stairs, and says, "I don't like you. I don't want you here."

Despite the irony of such violence after peacefully meditating, I follow everyone outside to the giant yellow school bus that awaited us. Everyone piles in, and as soon as I'm about to get on, the doors close in my face and Oprah drives away.

According to the internet: "To see a school bus in your dream indicates that you are about to venture on an important life journey needed for your personal growth. If you miss the bus, it indicates that an aspect of your life is out of control. You need to slow down."

According to me: If you miss the bus, you were obviously moving too slow, which means the last thing you need to do is slow down. You need to speed up. Then maybe you'd catch the fucking bus.

2. Ace Ventura: Dental Hygienist

I arrive at the dentist's office to find Jim Carey waiting for me. He tells me he is my dentist. He never checks my teeth, but he does immediately point out the cluster of enormous blackheads that are on my neck. He tells me he had the same problem once, and he knows how to fix it. I nod and return to the waiting room where a laptop awaits me. I get on facebook and update my status to: "I'm being serious. Jim Carey is my dentist. This is not a joke."

According to the internet: "To dream that you are at the dentist represents your concerns about your appearance. Alternatively, it suggests that you are having some doubt over the sincerity or honor of some person in your life."

According to me: To dream that you are at the dentist represents your concerns about your dentist. Because he talks with his butt cheeks. Alternatively, it suggests you are having some doubt over the sincerity or honor of your dentist. Because he is not a dentist. He is Jim Carey.

3. And All of a Sudden I Was in the Middle of a Giant Goat Orgy

My sister and I are walking alongside a fence when we look to our left to see one goat on its hind legs, pinned against the fence, with another goat doing it from behind.

"Those goats are doing it."

"That's fucking weird."

"I didn't even know goats did it like that."

We walk a couple more feet to see another pair of goats on the fence, also doing it. This continues on for about six or seven pairs of horny goats. (Horny, get it? Horn-y? Cause goats have horns? Fuck it, nevermind.) (WHOAH. DO NOT FUCK IT. I JUST MEANT LET'S MOVE ON.)

Out of nowhere, there's a goat on our side of the fence, looking at me. We continue walking. It follows.

"That goat wants to rape me."

I look over to hear my sister's response, but she's disappeared. Now it's just me and Horny Goat Gruff. Or Billy Goat Up. Billy Goes Rough? (Look. It's 3 in the morning. I have no time for witty sexual puns. I only have time for shitty ones.)

The goat gets closer and closer until it is up against my leg, which is slowly begins to rub with its body. I try to step away cautiously, but then it tries to mount me, and then begins humping whatever it can reach: sometimes the air, sometimes my arm, and once on my nose. Yes. I had a goat dick on my face. And yes. That was the first time I've ever said that in my entire life.

According to the internet: To see or be involved in bestiality in your dream refers to raw sexuality and lust. Alternatively, the dream may indicate that you are experimenting with certain sexual acts that you are not fully comfortable with.

According to me: To see or be involved in bestiality in your dream refers to your need to stay away from goats. Alternatively, the dream may indicate that your sister is experimenting with certain sexual acts involving multiple goats, because where they hell did she go? 

"All men whilst they are awake are in one common world: but each of them, when he is asleep, is in a world of his own." - Plutarch

Sorry, Plutie, but I've reached the conclusion that I'm okay with the common world. This "world of my own" involves Oprah sweat and goat rapists.

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