When did I buy an onion? I don't even own a knife to cut it. There is no useful purpose for me to have an onion at this time. Or a fridge, for that matter.
I was trying to learn more about my heritage the other day, so I googled "Croatian women." My research began well:
"Croatian women are known to be the most beautiful women in the world."
"They are tall and blonde."
Great. I am neither of these things. Thanks a lot for giving me such high standards to meet, Croatia. This must be how Liza Minnelli feels.
This morning's Facebook notification: Aadarshini Gupta accepted your friend request. (Zero mutual friends.)
...when did I friend request someone from India? Was this on Onion Night?
For the alcoholic on-the-go.
I keep accidentally zoning out during conversation at the worst possible times. One minute, everyone is talking about work, and then I get distracted by the floor, and I jump back into conversation to find that the subject has drastically changed. Here are the most recent examples:
"And then we --- blah blah blah blah --- but should I still do him if he has herpes?"
"But if you --- blah blah blah blah --- here's a video of me shooting a gun."
"She didn't --- blah blah blah blah --- exactly how many wet pussies?"
"So I --- blah blah blah blah --- I was wiping so much, I started getting blisters on my ass."
So then I'm completely lost and unsure how to chime back in. It's harder than it seems.
"I left and --- blah blah blah blah --- I always wear the healing stones of my mother."
See? If I don't know the context of this, how am I supposed to pitch in?
"Well I always wear the kidney stones of my father."
Which I did not say, because I wasn't sure if it was an appropriate time for humor. I think I'm slowly losing my social skills. Soon I'll have no friends except Wilson.
Say hello, Wilson.