Thursday, August 22, 2013

UTC Student Refuses to Graduate

CHATTANOOGA, TN. Natasha Ferrier, avid Pez collector and borderline munchkin, was sighted six times this week roaming UTC's campus. The 22-year-old states that she "still has one year left," but according to a fellow classmate of Ferrier's, "that's exactly what she said two years ago."

Ferrier enrolled as a freshman at UTC in 2009 and left after one year. There is no evidence of her existence from her professors except for one, who says, "She hit my car." Though Ferrier was able to remain anonymous to campus faculty, she was unable to do so with her peers.

"I saw her lying on her stomach in the middle of the sidewalk once," says a former classmate of Ferrier's. "I asked her if she was alive and she said she was taking a nap."

Ferrier returned to UTC in August 2012, confuting recent rumors that she "became a coke dealer."

"Natasha never mentioned plans to return," says a close friend of Ferrier's. "All she said was that she didn't break the microwave."

"That girl taped cough drops and condoms to our ceiling," states one of Ferrier's first roommates. "And she broke the microwave."

"Does she have any bananas?" adds Chris Blair, commonly known for stumbling into Ferrier's dorm room at 4 a.m. demanding the popular fruit.

Lubricated ceiling decorations aside, most are wondering whether or not Ferrier is academically prepapred. Two months into the 2012 Fall semester, Ferrier was seen "running around in velvet overalls" and "walking her cat on a leash."

During Winter break, Ferrier retreated to her reclusive tendencies to stay indoors, claiming that the cold temperature is "too painful for the nips."

Despite these questionable observations, Ferrier ended the semester with all As, which she adds, "includes an A in Alcohol," and is already approaching her fourth day of the Spring semester. She has been seen conversing with a number of people.

"This is her fifth year?" laughs a naive and impressionable freshman.

"She's obviously a freshman," says an obvious freshman.

"When she told me she was a senior, I laughed in her face," states another premature human.

After being asked how she liked her first year of college so far by six different people, Ferrier's academic performance has begun to decline.

"Her summary of the first three scenes in Romeo and Juliet was detailed, thought-provoking, and passionate," shares Ferrier's Shakespeare professor. "But all she wrote for Scene IV was Romeo is a whiny bitch."

"We were taking notes on Lord of the Rings," says one of Ferrier's classmates. "Our professor told us that J.R.R. Tolkien never meant his books to be for children, and as I was writing that down, I looked over at Natasha and all she writes is Roald Dahl pornography. What does that even mean?"

"We had a writing assignment today," states Ferrier's Nonfiction Essays professor. "Each student had to write a skill they were familiar with that began with each letter of the alphabet. For the letter V, some people wrote Violin-playing, others wrote Video games...Natasha wrote Vagina."

Though Ferrier denies writing down her vagina as a skill she is familiar with, she does admit to writing Wetting the bed for the letter W.

"But I do take school seriously," Ferrier insists. "I'm here to work. It's not like I'm just 'hanging out.' "

"I saw her yesterday outside the library," states a UTC Junior. "She seemed to just be hanging out."

The future remains unpredictable, but Ferrier remains optimistic. "I'm definitely graduating in the spring," she declares. "Anything to avoid the look on a freshman's face when I tell him I've been here longer than he's been off his mom's teat."

Whether or not Ferrier has bananas remains unknown.

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