Monday, August 12, 2013

Like a Big Dollop of Butter

friend: So I recently watched The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and all it really did was make me realize I have a slouching problem.

me: I feel like Quasimoto all the time.

friend: It's just more comfortable to sit hunched over.

me: I'm always paranoid that if I sit up straight, it will just look like I'm trying to push out my chest. 

But it is nice to sit up straight if you're planning on looking sideways. Sit up straight, look left, coast is clear. Sit slouched, look left, BAM! View is blocked. By what? By your own shoulder.

guy: I used to be really short.

friend: ...

me: ...
Is this related to posture? I'm confused.

guy: I mean, I used to be short.

friend: ...

me: ...
Saying it twice did not help the confusion.

guy: I used to have a big butt.

friend: Uh...

me: Wait, what?

guy: I used to be really short and have a big butt. That is how I got good posture.

friend: So...a big ass...

me: ...helps...posture?

guy: Yes because I was always tucking in my big butt, trying to hide it from people. If you hold in your butt, your back straightens itself out. And this is how I learned to stand up straight.

(He demonstrates the tactic for us.)

friend: Ah...yes...I see now...

me: is your butt still...big?

guy: I grew into it. See?

friend: Right, right...


This, ladies and gentlemen, is called a "subject change." I hear it's an art, but I have not mastered it. I'm working on it, though. You could say I've "apprenticed" it, which really means I change the subject by yelling out a new one and looking around frantically as if a fly was buzzing around my head. 

friend: I don't know! She's been ignoring us all night! I think it's because we're young and she probably assumed we're shitty tippers.

me: Well when she finally does come over here, I'm going to ask her for an extra thing of butter to go with your appetizer.

friend: Butter?

me: Yeah, I'm going to take it home and eat it with my bread.

guy: Why don't you just buy butter?

me: Because I don't need a whole stick. I just need a little to go with my loaf of bread. I'm not going to spend my money on a whole thing of butter when I just need a dollop.

guy: A dollop?

me: Yes, a dollop. Don't judge me. The bread was free. 

friend: Didn't you have a cup of butter earlier?

me: Yeah but I accidentally turned it upside down onto my skirt. See the butter stain?

friend: Hahaha ew!

me: Wait, there's our server! She's coming over here.

server: Y'all need anythang else?

friend: May I have a to-go box, please?

me: And an extra thing of butter?

server: Butter?

me: Uh...yeah...she wants it. Not me. She asked for it.

server: Butter?

me: Just kidding. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

server: ...
She turns and walks away.


guy: Why didn't you just demand the butter?

me: Did you see the way she looked at me? She was looking at me like I was crazy! What's wrong with some extra butter?!

friend: Yeah and she didn't even offer to put another thing of sour cream in my to-go box. I mean I obviously liked it. The container is empty.

me: Wait...sour cream?

friend: Yeah.

me: I thought that was butter.

friend: Oh...I was wondering why you mentioned butter earlier...

me: Did you have any butter?

friend: No, my appetizer didn't come with butter.


friend: Sorry! I was just confused by the whole butter thing!

You know you're broke when you walk into a bar and ask for a cup of water and some butter.

server: Here's yer to-go box.

friend: Thank you, and I'd like to pay my tab whenever you get a chance.

service: Alrighty.

Forty-five minutes later.

friend: She has smoked three cigarettes since I asked for my tab and she still hasn't brought it.

me: She keeps looking over here, though.

friend: This is just horrible service, and I'm really empathetic when it comes to servers. I used to work as one, I know how it is. But she has just been rude.

me: She has. I mean...couldn't she just bring me some butter?

guy: Are you still upset about the butter?


guy: Just eat something else!


friend: She doesn't even look like she would be a server. What is she doing here? She looks like she should be doing hair in Kansas.

me: Holy shit she does...

friend: She's looking at us.

me: Excuse me?

server: Yes?

me: Could we have our tab please?

server: Are y'all ready for your tab?

What the fuck?

friend: Yes, please.

server: I'll be back with it.

friend: But will she...

me: I should have just asked for butter.

friend: What should I tip her?

me: I don't know. I work with servers so I know it can be tough...but they bust their asses. They all seem to be really hard workers. This woman has just been giving us dirty looks all night.

friend: I'm going to tip her twenty percent. 

me: That's nice of you.

friend: Yeah I mean she's probably just having a bad night and I've just been in the mood to complain.

me: I've been complaining too much, too. I think it's just because I'm not drinking. And I'm hungry. 
For butter.


Tucking in her butt has not helped Natasha improve her posture, but it has helped everyone around her think she has been constipated for days. 

Their server did not move to Kansas.

Natasha ate her bread with the only thing she had in her fridge that night: Taco Bell Verde salsa. 

She bought butter the next day.

No comments: